Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Wake me up when the vampires get back...
Yeah. BDSM billlionaires and bad-boy bikers – and what are these guys but vampires without the bloodsucking? – they just don't do it for me.
Bring back the alpha vampire, and all the cliches that come with him. Undead angst! Destined mates! Fighting the inner monster! I'm getting all nostalgic here. Ready for some vampire silliness?
First of all, let's talk about vampire sex.
1) Your vampire should be extremely well-hung. Apparently this is an important criterion for choosing who should join the ranks of the undead. I'm not sure who checks these things – is there an inspection, or what? – but they're doing a great job.
2) Blood sucking is orgasmic. Instantly. Yes, apparently fainting from extreme and rapid blood loss feels gooood, baby.
3) The healing power of saliva. All bite wounds will close on contact. Probably it kills pain, too. This is amazing. Where do I get some?
Now for aesthetics. You have to get the look right.
Preferably, he should dress like a refugee from the Village People. Y'all know what I'm talking about. Black leather jackets and bare chests all the way. If he can wear some desperately manly jewelery, so much the better. And no facial hair. Ever.
See where the biker thing comes from? Mr. Vampire will definitely live on the shady side of life. Never just works a regular job. No middle management vamps need apply.
Probably he owns a nightclub, or at least spends a lot of his time in one. Still, it's not really clear why he should need to do anything to make a living. He's had centuries to make his fortune; he's the definition of filthy rich (billionaires, anyone?).
Oh, and he'll have a long-standing blood feud that must be satisfied. With werewolves. Or dark fae. Or another, More Evil Vampire. Anyone will do, really. Gives him something to be angry and brooding about while he's raging against his Inner Monster and falling for the heroine, who will of course be Too Delicious To Resist, no matter whether said vampire hero feeds on a dozen beautiful women a night, or has lived like a monk for a thousand years. He will totally lose his cool over her.
See, this is all a lot more fun than control freaks with whips, or tattooed petrol-head rock stars, or whatever they're buying in contemporary these days. I miss vampires. Wake me up when they get back.
How about you - do you miss vampires? Still reading paranormal, or have you switched to contemporary? Or do you still read both?