By Linda Lovely
Growing up, I don’t recall ever dreaming of a big wedding
with a fancy dress, a church filled to capacity, or a budget that would put me
in debt. My husband and I have been married for more than 40 years and we’re
doing fine despite the fact that our wedding was a simple affair. Our only expense--other
than paying the Justice of the Peace--was taking the four family members who happened
to be around for our patio nuptials out to dinner.
So, I have no wedding advice or good stories. But I do have
some thoughts on what makes a marriage work—regardless of whether the wedding
is simple or over-the-top production. I’ve seen weddings succeed and fail with
both types of starts.
What counts in making a marriage last?
(1)
Never
marry someone thinking you’ll change that person. I’ve known folks who’ve done
this. In one instance, a woman who really wanted children married a man who
didn’t want kids. She eventually had children with him. Divorce, predictably,
came a few years later. Of course, what one would like to change about a
significant other may not be so drastic. Maybe you’d like him or her to
(2)
Have independent
interests. Don’t depend on your spouse to fill all of your emotional and intellectual
needs. Examples of things that I do
independently? Book club, tennis, professional associations, critique
groups/partners.
(3)
Make sure
you’re on the same page when it comes to finances. Differences of opinion
over key money decisions can erode a relationship over time. This relates to
point number one. If you’re a financial conservative, be wary of marrying a
spendthrift. Fortunately, my husband and I are both penny pinchers, but have no
problems with occasional splurges on items that matter to only one of us.
(4)
Agree in
advance on your contributions to the home. I’m talking about the biggies—housework
and child care. There’s no right answer for couples. It’s fine if a woman
enters a marriage expecting to do all of the housework and most of the child
rearing. But people can get out of sorts quickly when they feel the weight of a
responsibility unfairly rests on one’s shoulders when that wasn’t the
expectation. Since my husband and I both worked, we’ve always divided the
housework. We don’t have children.
(5)
Marry
your best friend and nourish that friendship. My husband is my best friend
and has been since before we married. We talk about everything. We respect each
other—even when we disagree. Not a day goes by that we don’t have a real
conversation. That’s love.
What else would you add to this list? Or do you disagree
with anything on my list?
I write in a variety of mystery/thriller genres, but all of my novels tend to include women and men who are equal partners as they face life's challenges. For more information, visit my website.
6 comments:
Embedded in your post, Linda, is the ability to talk to each other about major issues but also the minutia of a day as well as listen to the other's thoughts. It doesn't have to be weighty to be a real conversation. Listening to other people is a major way of showing them we "see" them and value them and being seen and valued are important aspects of a long standing, happy marriage or any type of relationship.
Agree, Judith. I love the fact that my husband will listen to minutia that would bore most people to death. WE all just need to talk sometimes so we can discard the trivia that would otherwise be given undue importance.
If you DO marry with some of these issues not worked out ahead of time, as long as you are both willing to work on your relationship, you will probably be able to work things out in a way that works for both of you. A counselor can help with this.
You're right, Sarah. Counseling can help. But it's best to go in with eyes open and no surprises.
You are right about that, Linda!
I would also add, being able to laugh at and with each other! There isn't a day goes by that hubby and I don't have a good laugh either over something we did or said or an experience.
Post a Comment