Hi, I’m Judith Ashley, author
of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, soul nourishing romantic women’s fiction
that honors pagan spiritual practices. My stories show you what life could be
like if you had a place like The Circle where you are unconditionally accepted,
supported and loved. And where, with this support, you do overcome obstacles and
find your happily-ever-after.
If you’ve read this
far you may have some judgments about my parents. I certainly did at the time.
How could they say one thing and yet not live by it?
Marching to a
different drum has been an integral part of much of my life. I remember years
while growing up when I was positive I’d been adopted because I didn’t “fit”
into my family. With DNA testing now
readily available, I’ve proof I wasn’t but at the time…
It wasn’t that I
didn’t look like I belonged. People would point out that I had the Rawson blue
eyes, my Dad’s chin or some such other physical attribute. Looking in the
mirror and checking out their observations didn’t quell the sense that I was
different and thus didn’t belong to
this family.
Why didn’t I belong?
Here’s one example that I wrestled with for decades.
My parents raised my
brothers and me to see that we all created equal, that we were not “better” than
anyone else, etc. And living on a college campus, pledging a
sorority/fraternity would expand our views of the world and provide
opportunities to make lifelong friends. And
in my case find a husband who could support me and our children while giving me
a profession the family could fall back on should something happen to my
husband---an almost exact quote from my father.
My sophomore year in
college, my roommates were two Japanese-American women. One was from Hawaii, the
other from Oregon. My fourth roommate was dating a Chinese-American man
although she was Caucasian like me. The University of Oregon had a very active
Hawaiian Club and I was included in their activities. I learned the Hula, Tahitian
dances and was game when the ‘Care Packages’ arrived from home. During that
adventurous year I tried seaweed, octopus and squid and fell in love with
sticky rice and the open, generosity of my friends.
Late Spring term a
group of us decided to go to the coast for the day. One of those last hurrahs
before buckling down for finals. I developed a searing pain in my right side
and was unable to stand straight. I remember huddled in the fetal position as
we headed back to Eugene. I was taken directly to the campus infirmary and
admitted.
I won’t go into the
trauma of that experience other than to say without my roommates and friends coming
to visit me at the Infirmary it would have been even worse. As an aside, while there were couples within
this group, for the most part we did everything as a group. While one of my
male Hawaiian friends was visiting with me, my mother came to see me. Of course
I made the introductions – correctly I can assure you.
My mother was
painfully polite.
My friend left within
minutes of being introduced.
As soon as he was
gone, my mother was very clear that while people may be created equal and could
be friends that did not translate into dating much less marrying.
If you’ve read this
far you may have some judgments about my parents. I certainly did at the time.
How could they say one thing and yet not live by it?
I know at the time I
struggled with the dichotomy of it all.
This happened in the
Spring of 1961?***
That experience was formative in how I chose to move forward in my life.
While I’m certainly not perfect when it comes to bias, I am aware I have them. Even
with the above example of raising children with a belief you don’t actually
live, I do give thanks that they
raised me believing all people are created equal.
Along the road of my life, what I’ve learned from my work with Dr.
William Glasser is that people are doing the best they can at that moment given
what else is going on. As I’ve listened to people talk about their lives, I
know that as certain knowledge. Would
I be doing as well as they are if I’d lived their life up to now? This key
question moves me from judgment to wise compassion.
When and where we were born. How we were raised play a part in how we see
ourselves interacting in the world around. What I can attest to is that if we
are open to change, open to seeing potential in people around us and above all
we are kind to ourselves and each other, we can continue to march to our own
drum and harm none.
Where have you or do you march to a different drum?
***At that time interracial marriages were still illegal in the United
States. That didn’t change until 1967 and the Supreme Court ruling in Loving vs
Virginia. That ruling was that inter-racial marriages were protected under the
Equal Protection Clause in the United States Constitution.
You can
find all of my books at your favorite e-book vendor. Be sure to ask your local
library if you’d prefer to read my books through that resource.
© 2020 Judith Ashley
8 comments:
I thought I was adopted too! My sister and brother both had blonde hair. I was sure that because I had brown hair and being 5 yrs older than my brother and 7 yrs older than my sister, I felt my parents gave them more attention because they were NOT ADOPTED! Now I realize that they were the babies of the family and I was already in school. I think at any age your mind can play tricks on you. My has over the years. :))
Judith, I think every child at some point in their life believe they are adopted. Especially when other members of the family seem so different from their own views. I was the generation when they started teaching us in school that drinking, smoking, and drugs were bad for you. I would give my parents so much grief for smoking and drinking beer on the weekend. I still stand by my nagging them about their smoking but I realize now they were a long way from having a drinking problem. They would have one beer on Sunday in the summer when mom barbecued dinner. LOL I have always done everything my own way. Most would probably say too independent for my own good. I sat in the hallway at school during lunch time reading a book while others socialized. I didn't like all the drama. In college I ran around with a group of guys becoming diesel mechanics and an African American girl. I felt more comfortable around the guys having grown up with brothers and Cheri felt kind of out of place like I did. At the time there were few students of color at Oregon Institute of Technology. I have always poured everything I have into everything I do. And that is the beat I will forever march to.
I think you've come up with a new mantra, Judith. "Walk to our own drum and harm none."
There is so much wisdom packed into this post, Judith. Thank you.
Diana, having worked in domestic and international adoption for just under 30 years, I am much more aware of the issues adoptees and their families face. And much more aware of the necessity to have the conversations so children can talk to the adults about not feeling included. I made an effort to raise my son and grands that how someone else lives his/her life isn't necessarily wrong but it can be different and being exposed to other cultures, religions, spiritual practices, environments can enrich our lives. I was also the oldest and I think my younger brothers may have thought I was added to the family to torment them...at least my oldest brother (3 years younger than me) was very vocal about that being a fact of his life.
Paty, I also remember when the education started although I was out of school by then. I just remember how stinky it was riding around in the car with both parents smoking...and the windows rolled up during the winter and when it rained. My granddaughters took on their parents who ignored them. When they (the adults) lived with me, they could not smoke in the house. Neither of my granddaughters smoke. I count that as a blessing.
Sarah, thanks for seeing my post as having wisdom. I'd like a sign to put out in front of my house that says KINDNESS COUNTS and another one that says AND HARM TO NONE. The world would be a better place for all life if those two messages were lived by all.
You are indeed fortunate to have grown up truly believing in equality. It was a part of who you are before you learned that your parents didn't truly believe it.
As you've said, all of us are a product of our upbringing and our willingness to change and learn new things. I was brought up to believe in equality and my grandmother and aunt helped raise many foster children of a variety of cultural backgrounds. However, today I occasionally hear something from my mother that hints at some deep feeling of inequality between races. Something i never remembered hearing as a child.
It is very hard to realize parents aren't perfect or that we ourselves aren't perfect in leaving our beliefs and values. I think the most important thing is to forgive what we can of the past and in ourselves and truly work toward change. When we stop being able to do that we join the thousands who live for enlarging differences instead of working to recognize similarities and the belief that we should be treated equally.
Thanks for stopping by and commenting, Maggie. It was disorienting to learn that my parents didn't walk their talk although as you pointed out, I am grateful to have been raised believing in equality. My mother was, at times, very prejudice about people on food stamps, etc. (they should get a job) however, she always wanted to know about my cases and was compassionate and empathetic when I told her thumbnail non-identifying sketches. They became people then and not the anonymous "them" or "others." I found that true of most people who are disparaging of those less fortunate...put a "face" on them makes all the difference.
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