Freedom to Grieve

Freedom is a word that resonates deeply with me, and I'd planned to write a very different post this month. 

I'm a digital nomad, which means I travel and work from wherever I lay my hat. I love that freedom to roam. Freedom to change my surrounding. Freedom to explore. Freedom to embrace new experiences.

Freedom represents joy. It's my happy place... but ... with the recent death of my Mum, freedom has taken on a new slant. Instead of looking outwards, at what traveling can add to my life, I'm looking inwards at what is missing from it.

Grief is Personal

Everyone grieves differently. That's what friends, family, and the experts say. There's no one-size fits all. There's no normal way to grieve.

There's no timetable for grief. I've got my ticket for the grief train—but I don't know how long this journey will last.

How Long Does Grief Last?

My grief is still fresh, but unfortunately it doesn't have an Best Before date. 

Wouldn't it be great if grief expired? Then you could just throw it away when it started to smell bad or grow whiskers!

Grief Milestones

It was my birthday this month. The first milestone I experienced in a year of firsts. 

When I'm asked my age, I usually have to calculate the years to figure it out. It's an unimportant number I don't have to hand. But this year was special. It was the first birthday without a mum. The tight grip I'd had on my emotions disintegrated. I slipped into a black hole of grief that knew no bounds.

To be honest, it's been a few years since my Mum was aware enough to celebrate my birthday, and more recently, her dementia caused her to forgot she even had a daughter. But rather than lament the loss of this annual tradition, I used my birthday as an opportunity to create a new tradition. I'd give her a birthday card and present, and thank her for being my Mum. After all, she's the one who did all the hard work back then. She deserved a special celebration. 

This year, she wasn't there to thank, and it was the beginning of a new solo tradition. This caused such a huge tidal wave of grief, I thought I was going to drown.

Will I ever be able to ride that big wave of grief?

Now all I can think about are the future milestones lying in wait to ambush me. I hope they're easier to manage than this first one.

The Birth of Sylvie Sunshine

Part of how I'm managing my grief is through creative exploits. I've been obsessed with watercolour, and on the days when I feel motivated enough to get off the sofa and open the curtains, all I want to do is sit at my art table to sketch and paint.

One morning at 3am I started doodling. I have no idea why, or where it came from. It was a mindless activity. I was in the zone. I didn't know where my ideas were heading, or why I was doodling. But by the end of my sketching session I'd created a character.

Sylvie Sunshine is born

Over the next few days I kept reviewing this sketchbook page. I was strangely drawn to her. I had no idea why I'd given her a Christmas Pudding tummy and dressed her in a bikini—but I just felt she was here to help me.

By the end of the week, I'd developed my doodles into a comic strip idea called "Life's a Beach (until it's a Bitch)", and dubbed my character Sylvie Sunshine. Suddenly the bikini made sense, and she became part of the family. She was here to navigate me out of that black hole, and lead be back into the sunshine.

I'm fine in here!

I have a close affinity to Sylvie Sunshine. My Mum's name was Sylvia and she used to call me her little Sunshine. So those two halves have culminated into a new whole. I also like the play on words and it's similarity to that well-known term Susie Sunshine. Plus the irony that Sylvie is anything but a little ray of sunshine.

I've sketched many scenarios based on my first-hand experience with grief, and some of them have that interesting dynamic of being funny and sad at the same time. 

I've learnt that joy and sadness can co-exist, and Sylvie is here to help rebalance the ratio between both ends of that spectrum.

One Day at a Time

You can follow Sylvie Sunshine on Instagram.

About Jay Artale

Jay Artale abandoned her corporate career to become a digital nomad and full-time writer. She’s an avid blogger, podcaster, and nonfiction author helping travel writers and travel bloggers achieve their self-publishing goals. She shares tips, advice, and inspiration to writers with an independent spirit at her website Birds of a Feather Press, and documents her travels and artistic endeavours at her blog Roving Jay. Follow her on Instagram or Facebook or Twitter.

Jay is the author of A Turbulent Mind: A Poetry Collection of a Mother's Journey with Alzheimer's.