Air Pressure

By Robin Weaver

This month’s topic threw me. What could I possibly write about “a trip” that would be interesting to others? Perhaps I’ve looked at too many selfies of other people’s vacations. Or perhaps having just filled my car, I don’t even want to think about travel.

Instead of describing a particular trip, I’ve decided to convey some of my “tips” acquired during twenty years of business travel. Hopefully, these tidbits will help get from Point-A to Point-B without overextending your twenty-four-hour antiperspirant.

1. Book early.  Otherwise, you’ll be stuck in the middle seat. Which means you’ll have the Garlic King on your right and the Arm-Rest Hog on your left.  If this happens to you, suffer in silence and never book late again.
2. There is only one type of luggage—carry-on. Airlines may tout (or is it taunt) a low percentage of mishandled baggage, but your suitcase will end up in Miami while you shiver in Chicago without your coat. If by some miracle your luggage actually arrives at when you do, you can bet that new Neiman Marcus bag will look like it was used as the ball in a rugby match. 
3. Pack lightly. Unless you have biceps like Arrrnold (Schwarzenegger), you won’t be able to get your fifty-pound snakeskin bag in the overhead bin.  Sure, you can ask some muscle-bound jock to help, but then you’ll be obliged to talk to him/her.
4. You absolutely, positively must have earbuds. Do not enter the airport without them. If the women wrapped in a blanket (the one she’s still crocheting) approaches, point to your ears and immediately turn away.  If the man in the seersucker suit and orange bowtie offers you a breath mint, point, turn, repeat. (Might not hurt to ensure you aren’t the Garlic Queen). 
5. Do not glare at the obnoxious person who talks loudly on a cell phone. Trust me, one such person is mandatory at every gate.  This creature is oblivious to even the most practiced ‘dirty look’ and glaring will only accelerate your own wrinkling process. Use earbuds to protect your sanity.
6. Make sure you have ONLY two pieces of carry-on. Doesn’t matter that your Gucci clutch, your Prada tote, and your teensy suitcase take up less room than the leopard-print trunk the woman in front of you is dragging.  Nor does it matter that all your stuff weighs less than the set of snow tires (with chains) and the tuba the guy behind you is toting. Two pieces are still two pieces. There is one other option if you have three or more pieces.  Buy a huge order from McDonald’s, dump the contents of the paper bag, and stuff your extra items into the fast-food sack. For some bizarre reason, you can carry on all the food you purchase after passing through security.  Unfortunately, that cute little Gucci clutch will smell like day-old beef by-products, but you won’t incur the wrath of the snippy gate attendant.
7. If you’re afraid to fly, don’t beg for a priest when the plane takes off—especially if you aren’t Catholic.  If the man next to you is gorgeous, you can grip his hand. Otherwise, pretend you’re at a 3D Theater and not aboard a hunk of steel, 36,000 feet in the air.
8. If you need the airsickness bag, make sure it hasn’t already been used.  Furthermore, don’t put your wad of gum in the airsickness bag.   When I need that bag, I don’t want to touch your nasty Dentyne.
9. 
   
   If you’re dumb enough to forget your earbuds, you cannot (repeat, CANNOT) tell the woman in the next seat her child will fit in the overhead bin.  It is equally wrong to suggest chloroform on a diaper.  Nor can you tell the man next to you who is complaining endlessly about his sinuses to “Die already.”
10. 
    Do not drink any beverage within an hour of departure. Everyone knows it’s necessary to hydrate, but if you put the liquid in, it must come out. I won’t have to explain how difficult it is to manipulate a body-shaper in a two-foot by two-foot lavoratory without touching anything.
11. If you can’t get an upgrade to first class, sit near the front of the aircraft.  Otherwise, upon deplaning, you’ll have to wait patiently while all those folks get their one-hundred-pound trunks out of the overhead bins.
12. Finally, enjoy yourself.  After all, you’re going somewhere.