Valentine's Day: A Different Perspective?

Hi, I’m Judith Ashley, author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, soul nourishing romantic women’s fiction with light paranormal elements. My stories show you what life could be like if you had a place like The Circle where you are unconditionally accepted, supported and loved. And where, with this support, you make choices to overcome the darkest nights of your life to choose love and light.

February is traditionally the month where we celebrate Valentine’s Day and thus are engaged in something special with the special people in our lives. I personally have fond memories of a blouse my Dad bought me when I was twelve. It seems, in hindsight, that my parents now thought of me as a young adult or perhaps more accurately as “not a child”. And then there were the occasions when someone bought me flowers. A particular vivid memory is of my first dozen red roses.

Time passed and I came to realize that showing someone they are important to me was something I wanted to do more often than on a certain day, once a year.

Even later in my life I learned that there are actually very simple things I can do Every Day to improve my relationships with other people. I also used that information in my The Sacred Women’s Circle series to show how healthy relationships can be created, sustained, and add quality to our lives.

Dr. William Glasser, MD wrote Staying Together, a book on marriage and relationships. In this book Dr. Glasser discussed a concept of a Needs Profile. Over the years I’ve used this concept in my own personal life as well as when working with children and families in domestic and international adoptions; vulnerable adults in crisis and in the workshops and training I do for the William Glasser Institute International and The Glasser Institute for ChoiceTheory.

What is this Needs Profile?

Here is a brief explanation.

You can learn more by reading Dr. Glasser’s books, taking trainings and asking questions in the Comments section below.

Our Basic Needs are

Survival – the basic of food, shelter, safety, procreation

Belonging – loving connections to other people, friendships, cooperation,

Power – personal power, competing, gaining importance

Freedom – moving and choosing

Fun – learning and playing

Dr. Glasser’s ideas, which I have found to be true in the work I’ve done, is that we all have these Basic Needs encoded in our DNA and while we all have them, they are varied in strength. Just like there are a variety of shades blue in people with blue eyes, our Basic Need Strength is also varied.

I remember attending a Faculty Training and Dr. Glasser asking us to take a look at relationships in our families, particularly our parents. We were to take this new information about Need Strength and apply it to our parent’s marriage. What an eye-opener!

Looking at my own life, I saw a consistent thread from my earliest years. While I do have a Love and Belonging Need, my Power Need is higher. And while I do have a Freedom Need, my Fun Need is higher. Survival? I have that also but not as much as some of the people I know.

And because my Power Need is high, I am finding the aging process to be more challenging. As a recovering high achiever, it is hard for me to not be able to perform at the level I did 10 years ago much less 30.

I invite you to take a few minutes and think about your life and what Basic Need threads you can identify that relate to your life.

As you can see there are areas that can become contentious between two people. Someone with a Higher Belonging Need wants to be around people and wants to be around special people a lot. However someone   with a Higher Freedom need may need more alone time.

These differences are not insurmountable. They can be negotiated so both parties are satisfied if not happy with the decision.

I use the Basic Needs Profile even in retirement. I know myself fairly well and so I remind myself when I make an effort and am not able to perform at that higher level, that it is my Power Need that is out-of-balance. I then look for something I can still do (like write blog posts <smile>) and I feel better.

How might you use these concepts in your personal and professional life? I’m always interested in reading any comments.

You can find my books at your favorite e-book vendor as well as through my website www.JudithAshley.net and Windtree Press. Print books are available at Jan’s Paperbacks in Beaverton, OR and Arte Soleil in Portland, OR. Get the addresses from my website. And be sure to ask your library if you’d prefer to read my books through that resource.

Learn more about Judith's The Sacred Women’s Circle series at JudithAshley.net

Check out Judith’s Windtree Press author page.

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© 2024 Judith Ashley