Hi, I’m Judith Ashley, author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, soul nourishing romantic women’s fiction with light paranormal elements. My stories show you what life could be like if you had a place like The Circle where you are unconditionally accepted, supported and loved. And where, with this support, you make choices to overcome the darkest nights of your life to choose love and light.
The following post is adapted from one that first appeared on The Glasser Institute for Choice Theory - US website in 2023.
I’ve been on the William Glasser International teaching
faculty since 1980. During that time numerous people who are taking the early
phases of the certification training have commented along the lines of What’s the big deal? This is easy? And
then, to their surprise it isn’t.
What I know is true is that life, in and of itself, is
simple.
We have basic physical needs: food, sleep, preferably
shelter, safety.
We have the need for connection, to be useful or
important. We have the need to have choices and as Dr. Glasser taught, we have
the need to have fun because that’s how we learn.
Most of us get up in the morning with an idea or even a
clear picture of how we want our day to go. We have our schedule or agenda or
to do list or calendar ---however you organize your days. Then we take action.
At the end of the day, our list is finished, our view of how our day would go
is manifested. We have a sense of accomplishment.
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| From Deposit Photo |
What we also know is that simple is not always easy.
A fact is we don’t always have power to keep a monkey
wrench from being thrown into the cogs of our daily schedule. And the list of
those monkey wrenches is long because for most of us, those simple days require
cooperation from someone or something beyond our control.
The washing machine works. The car has enough gas for
whatever errands or business we need to do.
The weather cooperates with any outdoor tasks
Money is in the bank
The contractor, cleaner, auto mechanic (you get the idea)
is on time and does a quality job
Your partner, children, employees, boss all do their part
so that what you are doing is easily and simply completed.
And that’s when things run amok, when simple isn’t easy.
Our simple day becomes harder because
it depends on other people to show up and things like the car or appliances to
run.
The reality is, unless what we need is totally controlled
by us, there is no guarantee of an easy day. We are at the mercy of outside
forces.
The Serenity Prayer talks about “accepting the things I
cannot change” and since one of those “things” is someone else, we have to find
our own simple. And that isn’t
always easy.
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| From Deposit Photo |
A recent “aha” for me: Those things over which I have no
control and that I have little or no real interest in much less passion about
are easy for me to accept and even ignore.
What about those things I do care about? Those things I
have a passion for and interest in? That’s much more challenging.
It can be done. I’ve proved that to myself more than once
in the last couple of days!
How?
One part is simple. I know I have no control over other
people much less the weather, electricity, or machinery. There are times I can
simply say to myself “reschedule” or “how important is this in the relative
scheme of things” and I’m able to let it go.
What I’ve learned over the years is that I first need to take care of myself before I am of any use to anyone else. I will admit I’m not perfect on living up to that “knowing”.
Here are a couple of tips I’ll pass on to you
+ Much of what makes our life “hard” or “stressful” is of
our own making
+ Worry is not our friend. Fear is but worry isn’t.
+ Making sure to take care of ourselves is vital,
especially if other people rely on us for anything. The airplane adage of
making sure you put on your oxygen mask before helping someone else has
applications beyond flying.
+ Do trust your inner voice
+ Do trust your body. Sometimes the only way for it to
tell us to slow down and take better care of ourselves is to knock us down.
When that happens, take your time getting up or the next knock down will be
more serious.
+ Pay attention to your self-talk. Are you encouraging,
supporting, trusting, respecting yourself or are you criticizing, blaming and
complaining. Everyone does better, ourselves included, when we care about and
for ourselves.
+ Acknowledge the loss if that is what’s hard. Grief is
normal and useful in that it gives us time to stop. If possible, remember the
blessings. My longtime friend (July 1980) has dementia and as I’m writing this,
I learned she no longer knows who I am. We had such fun and many adventures attending
various Glasser conferences around the world and over the decades. And her loss
of herself as the person she was has been a slow process. Remembering those
adventures is bittersweet and while the tears do well, the ache in my heart eases.
Take the time to find what works for you. Look at the
whole of what you cannot control to see if there is a piece, perhaps almost
minuscule, that you can. And when you do find it, claim it and use it.
While our road in life will still have bumps and maybe
even crevices, by claiming all that we really can control, we’ll find it easier
to navigate.
Staying Sane in A Crazy World goes into the above information in more detail. By following the process outlined in the book using your own situation simple may not become Easy and it will become Easier.
I’ve got a free handout on “Plan making” available on my website under “Resources” www.JudithAshley.net. The Plan Making Handout is also included in my book.
You can find my books at your favorite e-book
vendor as well as through my website www.JudithAshley.net
Learn more about Judith's The Sacred Women’s
Circle series at JudithAshley.net
Check out Judith’s Windtree Press author page.
You can also find Judith
on FB!
© 2024 Judith Ashley
14 comments:
So true, Judith! Three monkey wrenches have been thrown at me already this morning. Starting with a scam phone call at 5:14. I think I'll read a while and see if I can get any forward energy going.
Great post, Judith. And so timely since I've been dodging monkey wrenches all week. :)
All good tips! Thanks Judith!
Taking care of yourself first isn't being selfish, it's about making you better for everyone else. I learned that a long time ago with three small children and a husband that was gone a lot for work. I'd put me off until I'd fall apart. It took my realizing I needed some time to myself for me to discover a better me. That came through art and writing classes at the college when the kids were in school. Good post!
Thanks for the valuable advice, Judith.
Barb, those monkey wrenches come at all of us. Some days more than others and in your case earlier than need be. The scam calls seem to come around 8 a.m. although I do get them later in the day also. Definitely read and relax and regroup and the energy will come more readily than if you don't take care.
Robin, it does seem that monkey wrenches are flying around more, at least for me, whenever I "have plans" that require someone else to make it happen. May your ability to stay clear of those m.w.'s eliminate all major problems.
Thanks for stopping by and commenting, Diana.
Paty, that taking care of ourselves is an important lesson and one I fought learning for several years. What a change in my life when I realized that my body, in particular, has limits and it behooves me to pay attention. Thanks for sharing your experiences.
Lynn, thank you for stopping by and commenting.
I feel much better about our kerfuffle with the Post Office about getting our mail forwarded since I read your post, Judith. I can't control whether or not I get the right instructions from people working at the PO who are dealing with a new system that has bugs in it. We can keep records of what has transpired and when in hopes that eventually they'll figure it out. The last time we went in about the problem (visit number 6), we got different instructions and a possible explanation of what went wrong. I feel hopeful.
Meanwhile I'm going to go online to each entity we get mail from and change our address with them.
THAT I can control!
Yes, you can control proactively changing your address. It's my experience that I feel better, even if things are still a mess, if I'm taking a positive action.
As always brilliant advice that appears "simple" but in fact is very hard to consistently implement. A friend of mine calls these difficult times "Life Rolls" meaning things beyond our control that happen to screw things up that day, month, or sometimes for an entire year.
You, Judith, are a giver. As long as I've known you that has been the case. Givers, IMO, have even more difficulty in doing the take-care-of-myself-first regular practice. (Talking to myself right now, too). The reasons are complicated and long, as well as therapy worthy, to negotiate. Thanks again for your sharing and putting difficult practices into a frame of non-judgement and help.
Thanks Maggie, I do think when we concentrate on that over which we have control, for example: how we respond to those life events over which we have no control, we feel better. And that is always our goal for the day...to, at the end of it, look back and feel good about what we did or didn't do. I appreciate your on-going support over the years.
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