By Linda Lovely
When my friend’s mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s,
she’d been married for more than 50 years. No one could have faulted the
husband for placing his wife in a nursing home once she no longer knew who he
was and needed to be watched and cared for around the clock. But he chose to
care for her at home—for years.
A handyman, he constructed a variety of safeguards to ensure
his wife didn’t harm herself by falling in a bathtub or bolting out the front
door alone and disoriented. He never lost his patience or his love for this
woman, even after she’d disappeared into a shadow land where he was a stranger.
The strength and endurance of this man’s love for his wife
touched my heart.
I don’t mean for this to be a sad post. Love’s ability to
endure despite all types of emotional pressures and physical tests is something
that should make us optimistic and happy. It means we can try to build the kind
of relationships with our spouses, partners, friends that will stand the test
of time—and how time and experiences are bound to change our bodies and our
minds.
I still love and enjoy spending time with friends who are on
opposite sides of political issues. How? The long-time bonds we share are more
important.
Then there’s marriage. My husband doesn’t look like he did
on our wedding day. The thick black hair has vanished, but, fortunately, his
sense of humor hasn’t. Am I the person my husband married? Nope. I doubt he imagined
how I’d look forty-some years hence. Gray hair…wrinkles…love handles (okay, fat
deposits).
Nonetheless he looks past these “minor” defects when he
laughs at my expressions and braves my morning breath to kiss me when he wakes.
But, should I succumb to Alzheimer’s, I hope he’ll put me in
a nursing home. Not because he loves me less, but because I wouldn’t want him
to suffer watching me disappear.
That’s love, too.
5 comments:
Linda, While I've not been married for decades and my husband died way back when also, I do have two friends of almost 40 years (met them both the summer of 1980) who have "memory loss". One has a vascular dementia and the other Alzheimer's. My friend with Alzheimer's lives 2,000 miles away. I am her closest friend and someone she trusts so she calls me when upset or frightened. She lives alone, refuses to move closer to family, refuses to have someone stay with her or even check on her. While she knows she has "short term memory problems" the reality is she remember almost nothing of what we've done over the years...but she does remember I'm her friend and that counts for more than all those trips we took, hours we talked, etc. I still call and talk to her, and I've been back for extended visits. Her family doesn't understand why I'm still a part of her life, although they are glad I am. Our friendship is strong and thus another example of Love Endures. Thank you so much for sharing this story.
Judith, it's amazing what memories do endure. My mom was delusional and often talked about her hallucinations (a recurring one was machine gun madmen in the mall). So I was accustomed to not arguing with her when she told me some outlandish stories. I took her out of the nursing home one day to go to a favorite restaurant. She told me a long story about people at a table across the way. I dismissed it--until they walked over to our table. Mom hadn't seen these folks for decades but she remembered she liked them and was sad about a tragedy that had struck them. Toward the end mom didn't know who I was but her face always lit up when she heard my voice. I tell myself she knew I was someone she loved.
Linda, your post touched my heart. My Mom died in December. She had Alzheimers, although that's not what she died from.
You skillfully presented both sides of one of the most difficult choices a spouse/family ever faces. Best of all, you showed there is no wrong answer - it's a choice made with love. We moved Mom to a Memory Care facility a few months before she died. An emergency room doctor told us she was not safe at home. We got her into the last 'bed' available in her small town. What a wonderful place staffed with loving, caring, professional people! We were so blessed!
You're absolutely right, Sarah. There is no wrong answer. I'm so glad you found such a wonderful place for your mother. I felt the same way about the nursing home we found for Mom. The gentle, caring people who work in these places are saints. While I know some are just there for the paycheck, I met so many that really cared. After the Director of Nursing retired at Mom's facility, she came back as a volunteer!
Linda, your story of the husband who cared so much for his wife and had to face the choice of putting her in a care home is played out thousands of times across our country. Or with the children of elderly parents. Like you, I believe that finding a good home when it comes to that time, is the most loving thing you can do.
When I was quite young, middle school, I volunteered at a care home. At first, I was quite upset when a resident didn't remember me or called me by another name. But after the nurses explained what was going on I was fine. It didn't matter who the patient thought I might be. As long as it made them happy, they smiled, and we had a good time together that was enough.
Love can endure so many hardships as long as we can take people as they are and where they are. Thank you for sharing this story and for putting a difficult situation into loving perspective.
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