Hi, I’m Judith Ashley, author
of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, soul nourishing romantic women’s fiction
that honors pagan spiritual practices. My stories show you what life could be
like if you had a place like The Circle where you are unconditionally accepted,
supported and loved. And where, with this support, you do overcome obstacles and
find your happily-ever-after.
Romancing The
Genres’s January 2020 topic is about humor. We’ve challenged ourselves to tell
a funny story about family, friends or perhaps a funny scene in a book we’ve
written or read. And, as you follow the Genre-istas through this month as well
as check in on our Romantic Comedy Author guests each weekend, I’m sure you’ll
be entertained to the point of at least chuckles if not outright laughter.
I was raised in
a family with an excellent sense of humor. Memories of people laughing so hard
tears coursed down their cheeks are many. So I start this post from the position
of laughter being a good thing, agreeing with the saying “Laughter is the best
medicine.”
Imagine my
surprise when I scoured those memories I just mentioned for The Story to tell in this post and nothing
showed up. Somehow trying to write about the time my mom and I got the giggles
or, according to my dad, hysterically laughed, in church and “the look” he gave
us did not translate to the page.
A warning: while
I do believe laughter heals, I also know some people weaponized humor and
laughter. Talking about writing this post with my best friend who visited a
couple of weeks ago firmed my decision to take this tact with this post. Over the
course of her several day visit, we talked about the political climate in the
United States and other parts of the world. As we shared our perspectives, we
both said pretty much the same thing. Humor can be deadly, laughter can harm.
In a scene in Book
1 in The Sacred Women’s Circle series, Lily:
The Dragon and The Great Horned Owl, my heroine Lily Hughes is explaining to the hero, Jackson Montgomery, that
her first husband would say something cruel and then add “I’m just joking.” Underneath
his denials, she knew he did mean what he’d said. If she or someone else challenged
him, his pat response said looking and sounding wounded was “You can’t believe
I meant that.”
Like Lily, I’ve
been in situations where someone has said something untoward and couched it as “teasing”
or “joking.” Then when I said something about what they said was hurtful, the
comeback was “What was wrong with you?” And that was often followed by a remark
designed to embarrass or humiliate.
Unless we’ve
buried our inner knowing so deep, we’ve
lost contact with it, we do “know” when someone’s joke is an actual attack. And
when that inner knowing tells us the other person is serious what can we do?
How do we
defend ourselves?
How do we take
exception when someone weaponizes humor?
Can that be
done without becoming the target ourselves?
In this
political climate having strategies to protect oneself from “teasing” or “just
joking around” or “you can’t believe I was serious” statements is important.
My best friend
was in line when she heard two people “joking” about shooting someone living in
a car. She turned and said “That’s not okay.” And, that’s all she said before facing
forward again.
It behooves us
all to know where that line is; that line where we will stand firm; where we
will state out loud “That’s not okay” where we will challenge the ‘teaser’ and
call him/her on their word choices.
Words do
matter. And while I may believe most of the time that “words can never hurt me”
unless I allow them to, that belief is not held by everyone.
Let’s help
each other create a rich and varied arsenal of responses to those who weaponize
one of our best “medicines” that gets us through the tough times.
A word of
caution: do be aware of your environment. Can you stand firm and be safe
yourself. This is not about putting ourselves in danger but, instead, letting
people know that the joke isn’t funny.
I’m adopting “That’s
not okay” but also adding “Are you serious? You’d really in this case kill someone who is living in a car?”
How
would you or do you deal with people and in situations where humor is
weaponized? By sharing, you make all of us stronger in an effort to keep humor
as one of our best medicines.
You can
find all of my books at your favorite e-book vendor. Be sure to ask your local
library if you’d prefer to read my books through that resource.
© 2020 Judith Ashley
14 comments:
You are so right about jokes that are meant to hurt and cover as humor. Brought back bad memories for me of being on the other side of those hurtful jokes.
Very intuitive blog. We are in a world anymore, that if we do speak up, we risk bodily harm if not worse. I agree we still need to speak up. But being aware of your surroundings and people who are witnessing your words is important before making a statement. Great blog post and great food for thought!
Great post, Judith. I’m of the opinion that if you have to “say” I just joking, you probably aren’t.
Happy NewYear!
Deb, I'm sorry you were subjected to that abuse, for that is what it really is...verbal abuse. Hopefully those memories have already faded into the past where they belong. My husband was that way and I had no experience of that kind of "teasing" so was caught off-guard to the point that I usually believed what he was saying was true.
Diana, Yes, we do need to make sure we are not endangering ourselves when we speak up and bear witness to this type of verbal abuse and harassment. Putting ourselves in danger will not help the situation.
Robin, I totally agree with you.
When I was younger, my brothers thought it was funny to sing, "Fatty Patty two-by-four, can't get through the kitchen door." They thought it was funny, but I was an overweight child and it wasn't that funny to me. My parents weren't around when they did it, but my grandmother was and she never told them to stop.
I have a funny on my husband to use in my post, but I need him to okay my using it. So stay tuned to see if that post gets put up or not.
Great post, Judith!
Poking "fun" at people whether it's for their weight, hair, eyes, height, etc. is sooo destructive. I had naturally platinum blond hair so I heard every dumb blond joke the guys (and some gals) around me knew. In those days I wished I had brown or black hair just so the "teasing" would stop. Back in the '40's and '50's that kind of body shaming was just something that was "done." My granddaughters can't believe the kinds of sexual harassment that was excused as "boys will be boys" when I was in elementary and high school. At least that kind of "teasing" is called out most of the time. So much though still is allowed or even encouraged.
An important and timely post, Judith! "That is not okay" is a great response in many situations. "That's not funny" is another.
Sarah, I agree saying "That's not funny" is another way to speak up.
Excellent post, Judith. Brings to mind my experience in a pre-law class in the 70's. A handful of women in a room full of "high-spirited" men. Every time a "rape joke" was uttered, one of us (women) would take turns getting wearily to our feet and declare, "that is not funny." Inevitably the "joker" would say, "hey, I was just kidding." This experience was so exhausting I decided to take a break before law school, which led to going to nursing school instead. Being surrounded by women (mostly) was such a relief at the time.
Bonnie, I appreciate your sharing your experiences. I worked in a county jail in the women's section for a year in that decade. However, to get to the women's section we had to walk through the "courtyard" that was surrounded on all side by the men's cells. Of course the guards saw no reason to say anything to the inmates. I distinctly remember the psychologist who interviewed me for the job took me on a tour that, of course, crossed that area. He did it on purpose to see who women who'd made it to the last step before being offered a position dealt with the catcalls, lewd remarks, etc. By that time, (in my mid-20's) I was good at ignoring the verbal harassment so I was offered one of two positions.
Thanks for sharing your perspective and experience here. I love the "That's not okay" phrase to stand up to people. I do agree with others here that the current political environment has encouraged people to say things they may not have said in the past (even though they thought them). Perhaps that's a blessing in that we now all know it exists.
Like many people here, I came of age in the 60's and 70's when sexual harassment was the norm and there were no rules about it. I grew up believing it was just something I had to put up with in school, on the job, and at parties. It wasn't until well into the 1980's that I started speaking up. You are so right that when someone says "I'm joking" as a response to being called out, they really aren't joking. OR they are repeating something they heard somewhere else with zero realization it can be hurtful.
Calling it out is important. People can't learn or have a chance to change behavior if we don't call it out.
I also think it is important to remember that humor is often not inter-cultural. What American's find funny is often not the same as what someone in the UK may find funny or vice versa. Even within America, humor isn't widely accepted. I know that among popular comedians there are some I think are amazingly funny and others I don't think are funny at all. Probably because those comedians I don't like speak of experiences I've never had or trigger negative emotional responses in me.
I've always wished I could write humor, but I've given up on that. The truth is I'm a pretty serious person. I don't see a situation and immediately thing of how silly it is. I admire people who can do that--particularly comedians who can do this in this political environment.
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts, Maggie.Your point about humor and culture is so important. I think I learned that in college when I had Japanese-American roommates and another roommate dated a Chinese-American. Their view of the world in general was different from mine.
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