A common conflict in many relationships is a matter of priority: one person tends to prioritize sex, and the other favors romance. Of course, people generally like both, but if forced to choose one or the other, would you side with your partner? In my work with couples, I find the sex and romance department is usually out of balance.
In the beginning of a relationship, everything is new, pheromones are abundant and both people are trying to please each other; there is an endless supply of sex and romance. As the relationship evolves, the high of the newness starts to wane and you each begin to pull back from the part of the sex/romance dance that isn’t your priority. This can lead to a lot of disappointment, confusion and eventually anger.
Over time, the synchronistic sex/romance dance you mastered so well in the beginning can dissolve into a game of relationship warfare. When you know what your partner is craving but you aren’t feeling understood by them, you might hold back what they want in an attempt to punish and control them. This is a slippery slope and can lead to some difficult times in your relationship.
In their best attempt to fix this, couples often use what they were taught as children, some version of the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. However, the Golden Rule is not the best thing to apply in this situation. You need to begin using Tony Alessandro’s Platinum Rule®: Do under others as they would have you do unto them.
When using the Golden Rule, the partner who prioritizes sex over romance will make sexual overtones toward their partner, resulting in the romance-favoring partner feeling like they are only appreciated for their ability to be a sex machine for their partner. Similarly, that partner will make romantic overtures hoping for reciprocation, and the sexual partner feels like they are only called upon for comfort and may feel like they’re being teased. Both of you are communicating the message for what you want but your partner is misunderstanding your intentions. You both want to move closer to one another, but in order to have success, you must communicate your message in the way your partner can understand so they will lean in rather than pull away.
When you change your behavior to engage the Platinum Rule instead, magic can happen. If you want more sex in your relationship, you need to be more romantic toward your partner. If you want more romance in your relationship, you need to be more sexual. This may seem counter-intuitive, but when you employ the Platinum Rule, you are neither prioritizing your partners’ needs or your own; you are actually prioritizing the needs of your relationship, which trumps both of your individual needs and desires.
Try it—I know you’ll thank me.
Kim Olver's mission is to help people make better choices for a better life. She is a licensed clinical professional counselor, a nationally certified counselor and a board certified coach. She is a world renowned expert in Choice Theory™, a highly sought after international speaker and an award-winning author. Her books include: Leveraging Diversity at Work with Sylvester Baugh (2006), Secrets of Happy Couples (2010), Choosing Me Now (2019) and A Choice Theory Guide to Relationships (2019). Kim is currently working on the forthcoming books, The Definitive Guide to Coaching and Radical Responsibility and Awesome Appreciation. 
Kim is the author of The Relationship Center blog; creator of Empowerment Parenting, a 25-hour parenting curriculum for court-mandated parents; and owner of Academy of Choice, a BCC (Board Certified Coach) Coaching Program. Kim worked five years as a counselor for schizophrenics in a community-based residential program, 17 years holding various positions with a specialized foster care agency, was Executive Director of Glasser Institute for Choice Theory - US for nine years and the Executive Director for William Glasser International for eight; and founded her own company, Coaching for Excellence, in 2005.
She is a model of what she teaches about taking responsibility for the things she can influence and control and finding appreciation for those things she can't. Kim believes radical responsibility and awesome appreciation are the keys to a happy, peaceful, satisfying life.
Twitter: https://twitter.com/kimolver
Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/kimolver/
8 comments:
"Prioritizing the needs of your relationship" is key to a good working relationship and gives new direction to figuring out the best way to communicate with each other. Thanks for sharing your expertise with us this weekend, Kim.
Thanks so much for the opportunity.
Interesting. I've never heard of the platinum rule. I can see how it would work. I'm not sure I agree with it completely though.
It seems to me if one wants sex, they should be able to state that. Or if one wants romance they should be able to state that. Now, if they both want the same thing: sex and romance but try to get it in different ways, I can see how the platinum rule works.
Of course, getting partners to actually state what they want is difficult. Or to get them to express ideas about the interconnection of sex and romance. I often wonder if as relationships mature, people may want something different but give up on trying and fall into a pattern of neither one getting what they want/need.
Interesting blog post! I'll check out your blog too.
You've definitely given me food for thought, Kim. Thank you for Guesting at RTG.
Thank you for commenting. I’m glad you’re thinking... The pleasure was all mine!
Of course, you are right! Direct communication is best but when a person keeps asking for what they prioritize and the other person feels ‘used,’ effective communication often stops. And then, like you said, people give up. This is just another way to approach the issue. Thanks for taking the time to comment. I really appreciate it.
Thanks, Diana!
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