Romancing the Genres: Kim Olver

Kim Olver

Romance is such a complicated topic—what feels romantic to one person, could be insulting to someone else. I am smiling remembering my husband and his misguided attempts to be romantic with me. His attempts may have 100 percent made the grade with someone else, but not so much with me. The epic fails for me were when I asked for flowers for Mother’s Day and he bought me a pot of flowers, expecting me to plant them in the garden or, the time he bought me pots and pans because he was hoping I would cook more often. It’s funny to me now, but I remember the disappointment at the time.

How can you get it right? You are going to need some help from your partner. This can be incredibly difficult if your partner is a person who thinks if they have to tell you what they want, then it isn’t romantic. Some people find it romantic for their partner to just “know” exactly the right romantic thing to do without them having to tell you.

You may also feel that way in reverse. If your partner tells you what they want, you don’t want to give it to them because you think it won’t be special if you are just repeating what they told you. (Sigh)

In order to get romance right, it’s important to have conversations, when you aren’t trying to be romantic, about what your partner thinks is romantic. You can even do it in stealth mode. If you are observing something that’s being portrayed as romantic, maybe in celebrity news, a book or a movie, you can ask your partner, “Would that be romantic for you?” Also, tune in closely when your partner mentions something as romantic. Normally, your partner might love chocolate and that’s romantic, except when it isn’t. If your partner is trying to lose weight for a special occasion, you might want to find something different or it will feel like you are trying to sabotage their efforts.

I embrace Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages concept. He believes there are five different languages that people have that communicates love to them. Your language was probably developed in childhood and probably won’t change, so Chapman’s suggestion is to learn to become bi-lingual. Your love language is your primary language, but in a relationship, when you want to be romantic, you need to learn your partner’s love language so you can speak it to them.

Most of the time, people will say, “Well, I like all five, our four or three of them.” It’s not a question of liking them. It’s a question of which of these behaviors makes you feel loved. For me, it’s Quality Time. If you want to be romantic with me, it is going to take some quality time. Show me I’m important to you by taking your most valuable commodity—time—and spending some of it with me doing something I enjoy or something new I might enjoy.

Other people might prefer Acts of Service. My husband was an Acts of Service guy. A romantic gesture for him would be doing something for him that he appreciates, like cooking dinner or canning vegetables. He loved when I package venison meat from a deer he had shot during hunting season, especially when I cooked it later.

Another love language is physical touch. Some people think physical touch is all about sex… it isn’t. However, some hot, exciting sex would be an excellent romantic gesture for a physical touch person but it you want to warm it up first, try a massage, cuddling during a movie or simply holding hands. Physical touch could be a hand on the shoulder or loving touch under a table. Any kind of physical touch can seem romantic to someone whose love language is physical touch.

Words of Affirmation is next. This is a person who likes you to take the time to verbalize what it is you love and respect about them. A romantic gesture for this person could be a love letter you stuck in their lunch sack so they can read on their lunch break. It could be you, at dinner, expressing your gratitude for something they did. Or tell them how wonderful they look, what a terrific parent they are or how much you love a project they completed around the house.

Finally, Receiving Gifts is the last love language. This person enjoys thoughtful gifts, big and small, that show them their loved one was thinking of them. It could be as simple as a flower picked from the garden or picking up the latest book of an author they read. The trick to receiving gifts is that you need to listen to understand the type of gift they would enjoy.

Romance is risky, which is why it’s so hard. You want to get it right and if you try and fall short, or worse, try and are criticized, you tend to stop trying. Romance and love are worth it. Follow these steps:

1. In stealth mode, explore what your partner perceives as romantic.

2. Try to understand romance from their point of view.

3. Take the risk and go for the romantic gesture.

4. Evaluate your success and tweak as necessary.

5. Repeat.

Love is worth the romance. It takes time go get it right and a willingness to learn from your mistakes. Enjoy the journey.

Kim Olver's mission is to help people make better choices for a better life. She is a licensed clinical professional counselor, a nationally certified counselor and a board certified coach. She is a world renowned expert in Choice Theory™, a highly sought after international speaker and an award-winning author. Her books include: Leveraging Diversity at Work with Sylvester Baugh (2006), Secrets of Happy Couples (2010), Choosing Me Now (2019) and A Choice Theory Guide to Relationships (2019). Kim is currently working on the forthcoming books, The Definitive Guide to Coaching and Radical Responsibility and Awesome Appreciation.

Kim is the author of The Relationship Center blog; creator of Empowerment Parenting, a 25-hour parenting curriculum for court-mandated parents; and owner of Academy of Choice, a BCC (Board Certified Coach) Coaching Program. Kim worked five years as a counselor for schizophrenics in a community-based residential program, 17 years holding various positions with a specialized foster care agency, was Executive Director of Glasser Institute for Choice Theory - US for nine years and the Executive Director for William Glasser International for eight; and founded her own company, Coaching for Excellence, in 2005.

She is a model of what she teaches about taking responsibility for the things she can influence and control and finding appreciation for those things she can't. Kim believes radical responsibility and awesome appreciation are the keys to a happy, peaceful, satisfying life.

Learn more about Kim at www.olverinternational.com

A common conflict in many relationships is a matter of priority: one person tends to prioritize sex, and the other favors romance. Of course, people generally like both, but if forced to choose one or the other, would you side with your partner? In my work with couples, I find the sex and romance department is usually out of balance.

In the beginning of a relationship, everything is new, pheromones are abundant and both people are trying to please each other; there is an endless supply of sex and romance. As the relationship evolves, the high of the newness starts to wane and you each begin to pull back from the part of the sex/romance dance that isn’t your priority. This can lead to a lot of disappointment, confusion and eventually anger.

Over time, the synchronistic sex/romance dance you mastered so well in the beginning can dissolve into a game of relationship warfare. When you know what your partner is craving but you aren’t feeling understood by them, you might hold back what they want in an attempt to punish and control them. This is a slippery slope and can lead to some difficult times in your relationship.

In their best attempt to fix this, couples often use what they were taught as children, some version of the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. However, the Golden Rule is not the best thing to apply in this situation. You need to begin using Tony Alessandro’s Platinum Rule®: Do under others as they would have you do unto them.

When using the Golden Rule, the partner who prioritizes sex over romance will make sexual overtones toward their partner, resulting in the romance-favoring partner feeling like they are only appreciated for their ability to be a sex machine for their partner. Similarly, that partner will make romantic overtures hoping for reciprocation, and the sexual partner feels like they are only called upon for comfort and may feel like they’re being teased. Both of you are communicating the message for what you want but your partner is misunderstanding your intentions. You both want to move closer to one another, but in order to have success, you must communicate your message in the way your partner can understand so they will lean in rather than pull away.

When you change your behavior to engage the Platinum Rule instead, magic can happen. If you want more sex in your relationship, you need to be more romantic toward your partner. If you want more romance in your relationship, you need to be more sexual. This may seem counter-intuitive, but when you employ the Platinum Rule, you are neither prioritizing your partners’ needs or your own; you are actually prioritizing the needs of your relationship, which trumps both of your individual needs and desires.

Try it—I know you’ll thank me.