Romantic Gesture Ideas from Kim Olver

Kim Olver

Romance is such a complicated topic—what feels romantic to one person, could be insulting to someone else. I am smiling remembering my husband and his misguided attempts to be romantic with me. His attempts may have 100 percent made the grade with someone else, but not so much with me. The epic fails for me were when I asked for flowers for Mother’s Day and he bought me a pot of flowers, expecting me to plant them in the garden or, the time he bought me pots and pans because he was hoping I would cook more often. It’s funny to me now, but I remember the disappointment at the time.

How can you get it right? You are going to need some help from your partner. This can be incredibly difficult if your partner is a person who thinks if they have to tell you what they want, then it isn’t romantic. Some people find it romantic for their partner to just “know” exactly the right romantic thing to do without them having to tell you.

You may also feel that way in reverse. If your partner tells you what they want, you don’t want to give it to them because you think it won’t be special if you are just repeating what they told you. (Sigh)

In order to get romance right, it’s important to have conversations, when you aren’t trying to be romantic, about what your partner thinks is romantic. You can even do it in stealth mode. If you are observing something that’s being portrayed as romantic, maybe in celebrity news, a book or a movie, you can ask your partner, “Would that be romantic for you?” Also, tune in closely when your partner mentions something as romantic. Normally, your partner might love chocolate and that’s romantic, except when it isn’t. If your partner is trying to lose weight for a special occasion, you might want to find something different or it will feel like you are trying to sabotage their efforts.

I embrace Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages concept. He believes there are five different languages that people have that communicates love to them. Your language was probably developed in childhood and probably won’t change, so Chapman’s suggestion is to learn to become bi-lingual. Your love language is your primary language, but in a relationship, when you want to be romantic, you need to learn your partner’s love language so you can speak it to them.

Most of the time, people will say, “Well, I like all five, our four or three of them.” It’s not a question of liking them. It’s a question of which of these behaviors makes you feel loved. For me, it’s Quality Time. If you want to be romantic with me, it is going to take some quality time. Show me I’m important to you by taking your most valuable commodity—time—and spending some of it with me doing something I enjoy or something new I might enjoy.

Other people might prefer Acts of Service. My husband was an Acts of Service guy. A romantic gesture for him would be doing something for him that he appreciates, like cooking dinner or canning vegetables. He loved when I package venison meat from a deer he had shot during hunting season, especially when I cooked it later.

Another love language is physical touch. Some people think physical touch is all about sex… it isn’t. However, some hot, exciting sex would be an excellent romantic gesture for a physical touch person but it you want to warm it up first, try a massage, cuddling during a movie or simply holding hands. Physical touch could be a hand on the shoulder or loving touch under a table. Any kind of physical touch can seem romantic to someone whose love language is physical touch.

Words of Affirmation is next. This is a person who likes you to take the time to verbalize what it is you love and respect about them. A romantic gesture for this person could be a love letter you stuck in their lunch sack so they can read on their lunch break. It could be you, at dinner, expressing your gratitude for something they did. Or tell them how wonderful they look, what a terrific parent they are or how much you love a project they completed around the house.

Finally, Receiving Gifts is the last love language. This person enjoys thoughtful gifts, big and small, that show them their loved one was thinking of them. It could be as simple as a flower picked from the garden or picking up the latest book of an author they read. The trick to receiving gifts is that you need to listen to understand the type of gift they would enjoy.

Romance is risky, which is why it’s so hard. You want to get it right and if you try and fall short, or worse, try and are criticized, you tend to stop trying. Romance and love are worth it. Follow these steps:

1.     In stealth mode, explore what your partner perceives as romantic.

2.     Try to understand romance from their point of view.

3.     Take the risk and go for the romantic gesture.

4.     Evaluate your success and tweak as necessary.

5.     Repeat.

Love is worth the romance. It takes time go get it right and a willingness to learn from your mistakes. Enjoy the journey.

Kim Olver's mission is to help people make better choices for a better life. She is a licensed clinical professional counselor, a nationally certified counselor and a board certified coach. She is a world renowned expert in Choice Theory™, a highly sought after international speaker and an award-winning author. Her books include: Leveraging Diversity at Work with Sylvester Baugh (2006), Secrets of Happy Couples (2010), Choosing Me Now (2019) and A Choice Theory Guide to Relationships (2019). Kim is currently working on the forthcoming books, The Definitive Guide to Coaching and Radical Responsibility and Awesome Appreciation. 

Kim is the author of The Relationship Center blog; creator of Empowerment Parenting, a 25-hour parenting curriculum for court-mandated parents; and owner of Academy of Choice, a BCC (Board Certified Coach) Coaching Program. Kim worked five years as a counselor for schizophrenics in a community-based residential program, 17 years holding various positions with a specialized foster care agency, was Executive Director of Glasser Institute for Choice Theory - US for nine years and the Executive Director for William Glasser International for eight; and founded her own company, Coaching for Excellence, in 2005. 

She is a model of what she teaches about taking responsibility for the things she can influence and control and finding appreciation for those things she can't. Kim believes radical responsibility and awesome appreciation are the keys to a happy, peaceful, satisfying life.

Learn more about Kim at www.olverinternational.com