She was born Christopher Binns. For twenty years I thought I had a nephew. He didn't talk a lot about his feelings for himself or his body. For another twenty years I thought I had a gay nephew. No biggee. It made no difference to me.
I only realized I actually had a niece a few years ago. That revelation took a while to adjust to. She had top surgery and looked and acted as feminine as I (actually more so, she really made a great looking woman who sang and danced and attracted hot men like crazy). Still, I am ashamed to admit I didn't start using the proper pronoun for her until 2018 when she was hospitalized after an accident.
The first time I visited she was in intensive care, unconscious. No makeup, wig missing, covered in bandages, monitors and tubes. Yet all the medical personel were considerate enough to call her "she". They did it as naturally as they would have done so for me. Crystal was not just a pretend girl, that's who she was. From then on I had no problem thinking of her as a woman.
I blithely said I would see her sometime after the stay-at-home order ended. In the back of my head I thought I would one day write a story featuring a trans character. I could use her as a source, and interview her ... someday.
Someday will never come, now. I lost her two weeks ago. Not to Covid, but to heart failure. Which is so wrong, because she was filled with heart. It could have been hormone related, and I know near the end she feared she might have to lose her prosthesis, I think her implants may have caused her some problems. Or maybe it was all stress. She was increasingly worried about other trans women she knew. Every time a trans woman was murdered, she grew more furious and at the same time fearful. I wonder how much loosing so many friends over the past few years put strain on her heart.
She had a lot of friends in the community. I never knew how many until I posted about her death. People posted narratives about what she meant to them, and how heartbroken they now were. I learned more about her from reading those tributes than I did from being her aunt. It's good to know she was well-loved. Good to hear the stories of her kindness and generosity. They also hurt, because I should have been closer to her, should have known those stories myself. I never realized she took in she took in gay and trans kids whose parents threw them out. She did more than lament for some of the trans women being murdered, she knew many of them personally. The strain of seeing one after another murdered must have torn at her and her heart.
I also read and enjoyed I Am J by Chris Beam. That is the story of a trans boy learning how to be a man. I want more. There must be more, I simply haven't found them yet.
Ditto for trans authors, both published or aspiring. I plan to get together with some of her friends and see if they have book suggestions. And see if any of them are, or want to be, writers. I spent last year mentoring an aspiring author of color. Maybe this year I will do the same with a trans author. If I can't write Crystal's story, maybe one of her friends can write their own, with a little help from me. I enjoy being a mentor. And I will feel like I'm doing something for my niece.
6 comments:
My heart goes out to you for the loss of your niece, and for the loss of time, For all those should've, could've moments now gone.
I can't imagine what it must have been like for her growing up and even into adulthood. She sounds like she was a loving caring person. Which is what the world needs more of regardless of sexual orientation.
Hugs.
Barbara, I'm so sorry for your loss. Crystal was an amazing person and your grief must be profound. Hers was a difficult path to travel, and I agree that everyone needs books that reflect themselves and have something to say about the problems they face.
I will look for books with Trans characters and Trans authors and share what I find with you. Any writer you mentor will be blessed, as have all the young writers you have guided and inspired in the past.
Barbara, it is so hard to be involved in each others lives as an introvert. It is even more difficult when that life is one you've struggled to understand, no matter how much love was part of that struggle. May your memories of Crystal be shared widely.
My first encounter with transgender was in 2000 when I close friend of mine from graduate school sent a Christmas letter that included information about transitioning to female. We were close because we were both in our late 40's in graduate school. Though my love and admiration of him/her were unhindered, I really did struggle with the pronoun change in my mind (never in correspondence with her). I think it was because all my interactions were with a heavily bearded male, and outside of correspondence after transition I had zero interactions with her in person as we lived on opposite coasts.
In 2016 one of my cousins married a man who within a year let her know he was transitioning to a woman. She has stayed with her because she still loves her. I had a hard time imagining that, so I started to look for books. Here are some I've found that helped me. They are own voices books.
Meredith Russo was the first one I found in 2018. Her YA book (though adults could learn from it as well) is IF I WERE YOUR GIRL. It was very helpful to me in understanding more about gender identity and how amorphous it really can be. I have another cousin who is gender-fluid, truly moving back and forth from female to male, but mostly landing in the middle.
IF I WERE YOUR GIRL follows an older teen who is at a new school after transition. When she falls in love, though, she's afraid to tell the boy the truth of her past and his reaction. There is definitely some violence and bullying in this book, which my niece's partner also experienced as she was in the military when she went came to terms with her own identity. And she still struggles with today because my sister refuses to use the pronouns
An even more interesting, and complex, book about love and relationships just came out this year by Kacen Callender called FELIX EVER AFTER. This paragraph in the blurb captures the story for me: "Felix Love has never been in love—and, yes, he’s painfully aware of the irony. He desperately wants to know what it’s like and why it seems so easy for everyone but him to find someone. What’s worse is that, even though he is proud of his identity, Felix also secretly fears that he’s one marginalization too many—Black, queer, and transgender—to ever get his own happily-ever-after." This book is really well-written and more uplifting than the Russo book about dating/love relationships. I think most of that is because the character isn't already gravely wounded.
In 2019 Russo wrote a book, BIRTHDAY, about two best friends born on the same day. Both born boys but one realizes her true self is female. The book follows them each year on their birthday and navigates the difficulties of that transition for both of them. I liked this one better than the first one, because it really looks at friendship and identity instead of focusing on the romantic side of a relationship.
A good picture book to help very young children begin to see differences in a positive light is WHEN AIDAN BECAME A BROTHER by Kyle Lukoff. My cousin mentioned this to me after their child was born. She wanted to have something to start early with helping their child to see gender identity as something fluid and that it was okay to be who you truly are and to talk about it.
I hope one or more of these books are ones that speak to you or those you wish to help to understand these decisions of identity that so many struggle with today.
My condolences, B. A. I am so sorry for your loss.
My friend Mercy Zephyr is an ownvoices trans author. I highly recommend her sweet adult romances Mrs. Claus and Transpire Together. You can learn more at http://mercyzephyr.com.
I am so sorry for your loss. Your niece sounds like a lovely woman, who had so much to give to this world. We need more like her. I know you will put your creative energy toward helping others and keep up with her friends. I'm thinking of you during this difficult time, but know you will find a way to make a positive difference.
B.A., I have no words that can truly dull much less erase your pain. What I can say that may bring you some comfort is the generation of young people are open, accepting, caring and compassionate. There are ownvoices authors who felt as your niece did who are writing those books and with indie publishing a solid option, they will be published. Thank you for sharing your pain with us so we can all better appreciate Crystal's life.
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