Most of us were raised on the idea of romance. From Pride and Prejudice to Love, American Style to Crazy Rich Asians, our books, shows, and movies have been selling us true love for centuries. It’s natural for us to want it in our own lives. But for many, it’s harder to hold on to than it looks in the stories.
I was lucky to meet my soulmate early in life. I knew right away he was the one, and he did too, so we’ve been married for over thirty years. Here’s what I’ve learned about keeping romance alive:
1. Show them your best side. Use your love as incentive to be the best person you can be. And keep doing that in their presence.
2. Take time to notice what they like. Then provide it when you can. Whether it’s bringing home their favorite flowers or food, or going out to a place they like, thoughtfulness goes a long way.
3. Notice the mundane things, too, and do things without being asked. Did their hair dryer die and they don’t have time to pick up a replacement? Buy one for them. (One of the best presents my husband ever gave me!)
4. Spend time with your loved one. It doesn’t have to be a formal date (although those are nice, too), but carve time into your schedule to be with that person without babies, friends, or other distractions.
5. Encourage them to live their dreams. Be their greatest cheerleader and fan. Enjoy seeing your loved one blossom into their best self.
6. Be ready to compromise at times. Choose your battles. If you give in on the things that aren’t very important to you, they might, too.
7. Communicate. Are you worried about something? Then tell them. Are you upset but they don’t know why? Don’t expect them to read your mind or vice versa. Speak clearly, and without dumping accusations or guilt on them. Talk to them like you’d want them to talk to you.
8. Find their love language and try to speak in theirs at times. For example, do they always do chores for you and take immaculate care of your car? What actions can you do for them to show you care?
9. Be spontaneous. (This is the hardest one for me!) Rather than plan everything to death, do something on the spur of the moment once in a while. It will shake things up and refresh your old routine.
10. Hold on loosely. (Like my favorite .38 Special song says: https://www.songfacts.com/facts/38-special/hold-on-loosely.) Don’t insist on being together constantly, and give each of you some time to be independent. That way, both of you can enjoy being a couple and still be your own person.
Hope these are helpful! Do you have any tips you’d like to share?
Lynn Lovegreen has lived in Alaska for over fifty years. After twenty years in the classroom, she retired to make more time for writing. She enjoys her friends and family, reading, and volunteering at her local library. Her young adult historical fiction is set in Alaska, a great place for drama, romance, and independent characters. See her website at www.lynnlovegreen.com. You can also find her on Facebook and Instagram.
6 comments:
Lynn, I think #8 is the most often overlooked one. I'd add, figure it out before you marry! I finally figured out my husband's love language 6 -8 years after the divorce. I don't think it would have saved the marriage but it would have, at least, saved years of confusion and hurt.
Good point, Judith. Love languages can be very subtle.
Oh, I’m going to be singing that song all night! Thanks for the great list. I’m going through a divorce (after 20 years,) and will be entering a new relationship one day and this is such great advice to tuck away.
Thanks, Shannon. Good luck in the next chapter of your life.
Lovely sentiments. Thanks for the reminder.
A good list of reminders.
I think everyone has an idea in their mind of what love and marriage look like. But no two people have the same idea. No matter how much "in love" you are with someone, you don't really know how those ideas differ.
I'm a big advocate of pre-marital counseling and of seeking counseling along the way when things run into a big problem. I see so many marriages where the couple either learns how NOT to talk to each other and grow apart, or they feel hurt over something and don't have the skills to work through it--so get divorced.
That said, there are marriages that need to be left where one person either isn't interested in being a partner or is interested in only being a controlling partner.
I wish more movies and books showed the side of relationships that requires work, so we have more examples of the real work it takes and also the reward for all that work.
The belief that is often perpetuated in books and movies is that one meets a soulmate who magically knows your every desire and delivers on them all the time. Because if you have found "the one" there is no reason to work at a relationship. When difficulties arise, that leads to every couple having to ask themself: "Did I make mistake. Is this person truly not "the one."
Hmm...I think that would be a great romance novel title "Not the One". Yet they ahve a happily-ever-after. Somehow I don't think it would sell many books though. :)
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