Friends Old and New - by Alice Rosewell

As a twice divorced and now 25 years-single woman, I have discovered that the romantic notions of love-at-first-sight and partner-for-life have not worked out well for me, regardless of their appeal. I haven’t been living in a hole in the ground for 25 years so I think the single life must be the one that suits me best.

Of course, being single doesn’t mean you don’t have relationships, quite the reverse. Relationships can be quite intense. On the down-side, family and others may think that your time is completely at their disposal, after all you have nothing better to do than babysit their children, provide transport, or listen to their interminable complaints about their partners, children, health, the government, and so on.

But if you can avoid having your life consumed by people who give nothing in return, the single life leaves you free to nurture those most rewarding of all relationships, friendships.

I’m fortunate to have a number of close and supportive female friends who, strangely, have never met each other. Each woman is slightly different and our conversations are equally different. Some I have known for decades, and we can reminisce about school days, others are friends I met at the school gates waiting for our own children to come out, and others hail from workplaces and activities like our quilting classes and writing, of course. Conversations range from politics to the problem of nostril hair; who can I trust to deal with that when I’m too old and forgetful? Perhaps there is a spa where I can go and get nasal lazering.  But I digress.

So what does make a good and satisfying friendship? I think that shared experiences form the initial foundations, then a shared outlook on the future, and that most nebulous issue of ‘shared values’. Usually these are never discussed in and of themselves, but they colour (note UK spelling) our  conversations in ways that make us feel aligned and connected with our friends. We forget about ourselves and lose our self-consciousness. Time flows.

But once we’ve left school or college, new friends can be hard to find, our circle may dwindle. People move away, or start new relationships, or, as we get older, some will inevitably pass away.

Our closest of friends can never be replaced, but the world is full of wonderful people who can enrich our lives, and with a little effort we can go out and find them.

Here are my 5 tips for establishing new friendships.

1. Be interesting and interested.

Make sure you are involved in new things. Practice having conversations with yourself in the mirror if you feel very self-conscious; and give people time to talk about themselves.

2. Be compassionate but set boundaries.

Everyone has problems, and sharing these is part of bonding. But be wary of people who are only concerned with their own needs, or entice you into over-sharing. Walk away from unkindness.

3. Be honest, but not judgmental.

And expect the same in return. Wanting the best for your friend does not mean trying to improve them.

4. Be reliable.

This is the bedrock of the best friendships. Knowing that your friend can rely on you for small things will build a relationship that will be supportive when life gets hard.

5.Be an all-weather friend.

Everyone knows about fair-weather friends, but people who are only interested in the negative are equally disappointing. Meet your friends with love, come rain or shine.

My name is Alice Rosewell and I live in the city of Bristol in the South West of England (UK), the city where I was born.  I write in British English, so I hope that American readers will not be put off by British spelling of some words. 

The first story I remember writing was at primary school, about the age of 7. This was followed by a dry spell which lasted about 50 years during which I got through University, brought up a couple of kids, and had a successful career  in IT. 

I had the outline of a story which I’d dreamed up one evening in the pub, but that sat in a folder for about a decade until I got made redundant for the second time in one year! This event coincided with the Kindle becoming mainstream, and Indie publishing an option. I dusted off my few pages of ideas and got to work. For the last few years I have been writing contemporary women’s fiction, publishing three novels: Irrelevant Women, The Kite Makers, and my latest, An End to Dreaming.  A good friend described my writing as intriguing, uplifting, and will not give you nightmares!  I think that about sums it up.