I knew nothing about relationships when I went into my first one.
They don't teach you about relationships at shool. It's not usually a topic that's discussed in depth at home (or it wasn't way back in the 70s). You just find yourself in one and you hope for the best. I stayed in that relationship/marriage for over 20 years and now (in hindsight) can honestly say I knew nothing about how I should have approached it.
It saddens me that I didn't know then, what I know now. But on the other hand, I'm so happy that I've finally started to learn what it takes to be a good partner and create a strong relationship and a heading into a second marriage with so much more knowledge and self-awareness. And those things take time to acquire.
The one thing I've learned, and the one piece of advice I'd give (if I was ever asked) about what makes a strong relationship is 'talking' = bring up grievances (don't hold them in to fester out of control), listening to the other side and being non-judgemental about what you hear. And that's damn difficult - especially if the other half of the relationship isn't willing to do the same.
Now that I look at it, one thing that I learned early on in writing romance = relationships is that 'conflict' in a romance can't just be a misunderstanding that could be easily sorted out by simply having an open discussion. This is also true for 'real' relationships.
Easy to do when you're writing fiction - not so easy in reality. I don't know about you, but there's the worry that your 'issue' won't be seen as important, or it might be seen as an accusation or that someone will be hurt by you saying how you feel or it will open a whole other 'tin of worms'. But the sense of relief when you air a grievance is so much better than the angst of dwelling on things.
Our romance stories will always have a HEA or a HFN. Unfortunately the same can't be said for actual relationships (as divorce rates sadly reflect). One criticism sometimes made of romance books is that they set up unrealistic expectations but those critics fail to understand that romance actually shows that conflicts can be overcome. And if reading romance for those who are struggling in a less-than-perfect relationship gives them a bit of a break from that sad reality, then that's only a good thing.
You always hear 'relationships are hard' and 'you have to work at them' and my first one I never really understood what that meant. I understand now and I so wish that stuff was talked about to young adults somehow. I do think we need to go through the hard stuff to learn and grow, but a 'heads-up' early on would probably save a lot of heartache.
Okay - so now I'm getting back to my latest WIP where my couple will acknowledge their issues, talk about them and strengthen their bond.
4 comments:
Beautifully put! Romance books DO show the readers that conflicts can be resolved> I love that. Wonderful post.
So true, Andra - my relationship ended after 20 years, as well. Now much older, I can reflect on how unhealthy our interactions were. But it "takes two to tango" as they say, so both parties need to learn how to interact and how to argue fairly and productively. A lesson, as you pined out, that should be taught at a young age. Great post!
I was "taught" about relationships in 6th Grade Home Economics. The lesson was "if you want to be married (and who didn't want that natural state of being) then you listened to the boy, figured out what he was passionate about, learned everything you could about it so you could be passionate about it also. Thus a girl's sole purpose in a relationship was to support the boy's interests.
I actually tried it for awhile (short less than 5 years marriage with a few of them separated) before figuring out "he" may be happy but I sure wasn't. However when I look at my youngest granddaughter's relationship, it is what I'd want should I move in that direction. A real partnership with both parties needs, wants, wishes taken into account as they craft a plan that works for both of them.
Thanks for the poke at my memories, Andra.
Many good points, Andra. The hardest one is not only being able to speak your feelings but to also believe your needs are worthwhile. Like Judith, I was taught that the man's needs are paramount and my role was to support him. It took me a very long time to realize that if I wasn't happy the relationship wasn't happy. After divorce and marrying again later in life (at 46) I was much more practiced at believing I was just as good as a man. Now married 21 years, we both get what we want most of the time.
The other part is realizing that we don't have to do everything together. He loves horror movies and war movies. I hate them. I don't have to watch it with him. I love Hallmark movies when I need a pick-me-up from the world. He hates them. We don't have to watch them together. Fortunately there are many things we both love.
I wish you the very best in your new relationship. Maturity does make the difference.
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