There are so many things that must happen to have a
good relationship or partnership. And there are so many things that can derail
that same relationship or partnership. Now I don’t begin to claim to know what all
those things are or how to solve them in real life. But I do know that what I
throw at my characters are the challenges that come from a new or growing or
steady and reliable relationship, depending on the story line.
In real life we want to avoid struggles and solve each
one as it pops up. As writers, we want to throw challenges and struggles in the
path of our characters to force them to deal with conflict by resolving them
each step of the way. By dealing with the not so pleasant aspects of life and
relationships, our characters learn to work with each other, compromise, and grow.
The journey is both full of stumbling blocks and emotional. And if we write
romance, the goal is to make sure the heroes and heroines acquire the tools to
navigate stumbling blocks, and learn and grow enough to end up
HAPPIY-EVER-AFTER with each other.
As if it were that easy.
Truthfully, our goal as writers of romance is to make
the characters struggle, learn, and resolve.
One way to make your characters squirm is through
conversation. There is research that indicates men and women converse in different
ways with different expectations on how the conversation will go.
In an article entitled “‘Manspeak’ and ‘Womanspeak’:
Interpretation Needed” in the Philadelphia Inquirer on June 10, 2020, the
author says:
“Our
ponderous query:
Are men and women constitutionally incapable of speaking the same
language?
There is "manspeak," an abbreviated system of monosyllabic responses
and an occasional sentence.
And then there is "womanspeak," which undulates and flows with
meaning and nuance. Words come easily and are plentiful. Compound sentences and
multiple paragraphs are common.
So what happens when you plunk down two different language speakers in one
household?
Confusion. Irritation. Frustration. And, of course, communication gaps.”
Having one character interpret the
other’s intent, and not get it right, sets both up for conflict in
their relationship. Having the two learn to converse—talk things out, negotiate
their different wants and needs—leads to growth for each and eventually a happy
resolution.
As both writers and readers of romance, our goal is to
root for the characters to find that happy resolution. But if authors don’t add
roadblocks, whether internal angst of some sort, or external forces that cause
strife that lead the reader to believe “oh, no, what if these two don’t make it?,”
then we don’t give the reader an emotional ride.
June is considered one of the big months for weddings—considered
the ultimate in pursuing and eventually achieving a happily-ever-after. But we
all know the angst and conflict that can arise in preparing a wedding and
getting to the alter. And that emotional struggle continues in every step a
couple takes throughout their relationship.
The ups and downs should make couples stronger together
and individually, as they navigate the years. That is what romance writers
strive for when writing about relationships—the emotional ups and downs that
lead to that all important happily-ever-after or happily-for-now.
Here’s
to effective communication and happy resolutions!
a
wedding novella
Amazon
https://www.amazon.com/Love-Left-Behind-Hartford-Estate-ebook/dp/B08L5N5DS9/
Books2Read
books2read.com/u/mglVqK
Delsora Lowe writes small town sweet and
spicy romances and contemporary westerns from the mountains of Colorado to the
shores of Maine.
Author of the Starlight Grille
series, Serenity Harbor Maine novellas, and the Cowboys of Mineral Springs series, Lowe has also authored short
romances for Woman’s World magazine. Her
new novella, The Love Left Behind, will release in late fall, 2020.
Author website: www.delsoralowe.com
Facebook Author page: https://www.facebook.com/delsoraloweauthor/community/
Amazon Author page: https://www.amazon.com/Delsora-Lowe/e/B01M61OM39/ref=ntt_dp_epwbk_0
Books2Read Author page: https://www.books2read.com/ap/8GWm98/Delsora-Lowe
BookBub Author Page: https://www.bookbub.com/authors/delsora-lowe-93c6987f-129d-483d-9f5a-abe603876518
Goodreads Author Page: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/16045986.Delsora_Lowe
Instagram: #delsoralowe / https://www.instagram.com/delsoralowe/
Clip Art:
Free Man And
Woman Clipart, Download Free Man And Woman Clipart png images, Free ClipArts on
Clipart Library (clipart-library.com)
Free
Conversation Cliparts, Download Free Conversation Cliparts png images, Free
ClipArts on Clipart Library (clipart-library.com)
Article reference:
‘Manspeak’
and ‘womanspeak’: Interpreter needed (inquirer.com)
16 comments:
OMG I Love everything in this post!! You hit it perfectly, Delsora. Men and women speak different languages and as writers we need to highlight those differences to ramp up the conflict. Love this sososo much! Great post. Sharing it everywhere.
Sounds simple but as in life, it isn't as easy to listen to understand each other as we'd like because usually our listening isn't just to understand the other person but to see if they agree with us...and if not, to gear up our counter-argument.
Great post, Deb. Thanks for sharing. - Anna T.S.
WOW Peggy - thanks! Years ago, when I first starting writing, I had a book by Deborah Tannen, Ph.D. and professor of linguistics entitled "That's Not What I Meant! How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Your Relations with Others" I loaned it out and have no clue where it is today. But serendipity brought another Tannen book into my life recently - "You Just Don't Understand" - a good reminder to me when I write that I need to have more conflict in conversation between the protagonists :-)
Judith - so true - that's why linguists have to write books about how we communicate - since most of us never do seem to learn how to communicate effectively without starting a battle or a full-blown war. Now to hone the skill of getting my characters in that situation and then back out again, so they not only learn the art of communication but fall in love (and stay together.)
Thanks, Anna - so glad you could stop by today!
Excellent article, Delsora! I love the tie-in to June weddings.
Susan - glad you could check in - I was, once-upon-a-time, a June bride.... And this post was inspired by the Deborah Tannen book (mentioned above) that Michelle sent me when she was cleaning out her house.
Great post! As writers, we get to ask "what if" and then step back and figure out the consequences of each action and reaction, and how our characters will solve the problem. If only it was that straightforward in real life!
For sure, Jennifer. I guess we imagine - make-up - the way we wish life really was (at the happily-ever-after end.) So glad you could stop in.
What a great article!! There's also the book "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" which further delves into the differences on how men and women speak to each other. "One example is men's complaint that if they offer solutions to problems that women bring up in conversation, the women are not necessarily interested in solving those problems, but mainly want to talk about them." So fascinating and great research material.
Thanks so much for stopping in "Unknown" - yes, you are so right. I should have mentioned the "Men Are from Mars...." book, but totally forgot about that book. I do have a copy somewhere in my piles of books. I'll have to look for it and reread it. thanks for the great reminder. In my personal experience, it is so true - men want to solve problems and women just want to vent and have someone commiserate, and then go solve their own problems. Thanks for bringing up that issue and varied ways of communication.
You have it totally right, Deb. What a great post!
Thanks, Elizabeth - so glad you could hop on today! Now if I can just make my own advice work :-)
Although I do believe there are cultural norms that impact the conversation styles of men and women, I also think it is a mistake to paint all men or women with the same communication brush. I know many men who do like to talk things out and do express their feelings, and aren't just fixers. I also know many women who are not good about expressing their feelings, just want to get to the point and fix the problem. :)
But your point of understanding the conversation style of anyone you want a relationship with (friendship, professional, or romantic) is an important one. Also, something I had to learn is that when people are angry or feel hurt they will say and do things that are not the norm. It is important to understand that and not to take it as the final say in a relationship. (Of course, this does not apply to domestic violence) Learning to give time to cool down and then talk about what happened is important. Very hard, but important.
Far too often, the hurtful thing that was said or a hurtful action leads to a long time (weeks, months, or forever) that people refuse to talk about it and they may lose that person in their life or at least lose a long time that could have been rich with their time together. Books are written about estranged family members, second-chance love, and people who don't look deeper at what was said.
You are absolutely right, Maggie - and both men and women need to learn to communicate no matter their communication style. Men with men, women with women, and partners of any gender with each other. It is hard to let go of an opinion, long enough to stop, listen, and communicate in a non-combative style. And going silent does nothing to help a situation. Although doing that can add conflict to a building relationship in a book, and then be solved by finally talking it out, listening, and responding in healthy ways.
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