By: Marcia King-Gamble
www.lovemarcia.com
With June busting out all over, and long overdue weddings
happening, the question arises what is a relationship? Or rather what is a good
relationship?
I have often pondered what gives when I see couples, walking several
steps ahead of each other, or texting while dining, and not conversing,
Statistics show that 50% of marriages end in divorce.
There’s speculation that number is even higher since the stats do not factor in
those that are separated. So why do
partnerships crumble? In my humble opinion, it breaks down to three things.
Not viewing a partner as a friend
Entering the union for the wrong reasons
Having expectations that no mortal could possibly fulfill.
Let’s look at my thoughts in more detail.
A partner should be your best friend, someone you
communicate with well, in and out of the bedroom. Lack of communication, or failure
to communicate, is the number one reason, people get divorced.
Did you get pulled into a relationship for the wrong reasons?
I always think of the adage, marry for money, spend the rest of your life earning
it. So true, and in so many ways. As they say, nothing in life is free. If you’re in it, because you think you need to
have someone on your arm, anyone, that’s a sure recipe for disaster and possibly
boredom.
It’s not the lack of finances that causes divorce/break ups,
but lack of compatibility in the financial arena. If he’s a spender and you’re
not, watch out for trouble.
Codependency? Yet another reason not to be in a relationship.
Not to mention it’s unhealthy. Having your
own interests makes you a more fascinating person. As one article I read said, don’t
become “couple dumb.” Be your own individual.
Show yourself. Don’t lose yourself in
the relationship.
Also, make sure you have some interests in common, and goals
that align. Opposites might attract, but
will you be compatible long term?
What about expectations… are yours way over the top? Are they
realistic? Many think partnerships mean being joined at the hip. Not so. Are
you looking to be taken care of financially? Are you expecting that knight/ princess to sweep
you off your feet? Are you looking to be saved from yourself? Reality check.
What about traditional roles? Are those expected of you. Is one expected to
cook, while the other takes out the garbage? These are all things that need to be
ironed out before taking the leap into coupledom, or you’re destined to be frustrated.
Frustration can usually lead to disappointment.
Ok, so now that I’ve given you my thoughts, ask yourself why
you’re thinking of getting married or moving in? What prompted you to accept
the proposal or the invitation to cohabitate?
Did you say “yes” because this is your person AKA your best friend, or
are you marrying because your biological clock is ticking, and your partner
ticks a few boxes? Did you say “Yes,” because this person appears to be a good
provider? Is this someone you’d never choose as a friend. If the answers to
both are “yes,” then may I suggest you lose this person quickly before you lose
yourself.
I know, so many questions, so many ways to answer, so
many ifs. So many reasons to be in a relationship or bow out.
Whatever you decide, choose wisely. The dew falls off the rose
quickly, but the thorns tend to stay on. While love might have something to do
with it, decisions should be made with both your head and heart.
About
Marcia King-Gamble
Romance writer,
Marcia King-Gamble originally hails from a sunny Caribbean Island where the sky
and ocean are the same mesmerizing shade of blue. This former travel industry
executive has spent most of life in the United States. A National Bestselling
author, Marcia has penned over 34 books and 8 novellas. She has contributed to
Michael Fiore’s DigitalRomanceInc and served as a moderator on the now defunct eHarmony
advice boards. Having witnessed the bad,
the ugly, and the not so good in relationships, she still prefers to write about
happily ever after. Caring for her animal family keeps her grounded and sane.
Visit Marcia at
www.lovemarcia.com or “friend” her on Facebook: http://bit.ly/1MlnrIS
Be sure to join
her newsletter mailing list.
11 comments:
Great post, Marcia, and so true.
Love this quote -
The dew falls off the rose quickly, but the thorns tend to stay on.
Thanks Deb, I hoped this post didn't come off as negative and had second thoughts.
Great post, Marcia! I did not feel it was negative, only thoughtful and wise.
MArcia- I love this post!!!!marry for money, spend the rest of your life earning it - wow!!! i think I need to steal this adage!
Thanks Sarah always, love your wisdom. It truly is how I feel about partnerships and relationships.
Peggy it's a Dutch saying a friend shared with me ages ago. Always stuck with me.
Wow!!! So many bits of wisdom in this post. I agree with Deb about the petals and thorns. Also agree with Sarah about this post being thoughtful and wise rather than negative. I'd heard the "marry for money" before but didn't know it was a Dutch saying. Having summarized I choose "couple-dumb" as my favorite. You've given us a fun yet thoughtful and wise post all wrapped up in a couple hundred words!
Lots of sage advice in the post. I was certainly on the having expectations that no mortal could possibly fulfill spectrum in my first marriage. We were friends in high school and dated in college and married right after graduation. Having been a big reader of gothic romances as a teen (Thanks Victoria Holt). I expected there would be a time of adjustment but then he would know my every thought. Worship the ground I walk on. And yes, we would be joined at the hip--never disagreeing on the way forward.
At the same time, I had the belief from my upbringing that I was to support my man. My needs were less than his. Remember that song Stand By Your Man? This lyric summarizes the expectation: "You'll have bad times, and he'll have good times doin' things that you don't understand. But if you love him, you'll forgive him and stand by your man."
It is hard to hold those two expectations in your mind at the same time: 1) He will know your thoughts and you will both be joined at the hip loving all the same things and wanting the same things; and 2) He will do things I don't understand, but I'll forgive him and stand by him.
I am comforted to see so many young people today have a better idea of what a marriage takes. Many people who put off marriage until after they really know who they are as a separate person and can bring their whole self into the relationship. It took me a divorce and being well into my 40s to figure out who I was separate from a romantic partner. That made my current marriage so much better.
I hope lots of people read this and share it with the young people in their life. I also hope that lots of romance writers create books that keep this wisdom as an important part of that relationship building.
Judith,
You are always so supportive. This was not the easiest post to write. I hit the 'publish' button from a seat in the Pittsburgh Airport and held my breath it went through.
Maggie,
I always enjoy your responses and you sharing bits of your life. Times have certainly changed and women are looking for a partnership and not a husband/father.
Marcia, Google and Blogger knew this post needed to be read. Yeah on techie success!
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