As many of you have said, I wouldn't change anything I've experienced in my life because all the good and bad have made me the person I am today.
My one regret, I wish that I could have just one more day with my mom before she went into the lost her memory completely. The last 2 weeks at the memory care home she wasn't present, she was confused and upset all the time. The last two months of her life she was slipping into full fledged dementia, Alzheimers and needed 24 hr care. If I could have that day with mom, I would tell her I was sorry I didn't realize she had been ill for so long. It took a hospital stay and the doctor telling me mom's scan showed Alzheimers and she needed 24 hr care.
Since mom lived with us, the changes were subtle. Just mom being mom. Looking back I can see she was falling into dementia for the past few years.
Hindsight is always a few minutes too late, isn't it?
The past couple of years before she died I sometimes got frustrated with her, she lived with us. I tried not to show it, but once in a while I couldn't help it. She had a couple months when she bought mop and glow for the floors every time we went to a store. Forgetting things like the garbage disposal she turned on then walked away from. Things like that, not normal. If I had only known then that she was already suffering from Alzheimers I would have been more patient, more understanding.
An example of my frustration: Mom and I were looking for a parking spot at the grocery store about a year ago. An obese woman was slowly crossing in front of us. Mom says, "honk the horn, maybe she'll walk faster!". I said, "Mom! She can't walk any faster." I could literally feel my blood pressure rise. My frustration came from mom having no empathy for the woman who was obviously distressed. And Mom used a walker and walked very slow herself.
Grief has been one of my closest friends since December, when mom passed.
Mother's Day loomed in the future and I found myself becoming more anxious. My sister, Sarah and I decided a good way to deal with this first Mother's Day with no 'Mother', was to spread love and joy to others.So we surprised some family members with 'Mothers' day cards and gifts.
As Lynn said in her post, share the love. In doing our new Mother's Day tradition we made our daughters, nieces, friends, and daughter-in-laws happy. None of them were expecting anything from us, but their joy brought us happiness and joy too, on what would have been a sad day.
My motto is now spread the love. Smile at the grouchy looking person in the grocery line, maybe that will make their day.
If you could have one more day to talk to someone who passed, who would it be?
9 comments:
Lovely post, Diana.My condolences. I hope you don't beat yourself up about not knowing about your mother's dementia earlier. Those kinds of the things can sneak up on you. And I love your new Mother's Day tradition--great idea!
Thanks Lynn! Before reading your post, I thought of things I wish I could change. But after I read your post I realized I wouldn't change anything.:))
Diana, Dementia is one of those things that definitely takes a toll. It is also easy to dismiss because so many doctors dismiss it until it's well gone. My own mother currently has short term memory loss. In other words, she'll say: "Did I tell you about x" and then tell me the story. Not two minutes later she'll say: "Did I tell you about x"
I know it's the beginning but her doctor doesn't think it's Alzheimer's and calls it "natural aging dementia." I think he knows there is nothing to be done and so tends to downplay it.
The more you love someone, the more frustration you experience because you are dealing with loss already. So, don't beat yourself up. Your new Mother's Day tradition is absolutely lovely. May you replace those memories of the last couple of years with the memories of all the years before that in your mother's life.
I lost my father five years ago. He chose to die by pneumonia. He got pneumonia, knew he had it, and refused to be treated until the last moment when he knew it was too late. He was tired of all the failings of his body--arthritis, diabetes, heart failure. He was tired of being poor and tired of living in a world he no longer understood. My mother was livid that he didn't get treatment (she has since forgiven him) but I understood and was at his bedside when he passed.
When I think of him, I remember him before his body took over his days and flailed at him constantly. I remember him as the man who was a philosopher, a giving/caring man who had raised 9 children and adopted a relatives teenage daughter when my parents were in their fifties and that relative died. I remember him laughing when we were silly and disciplining us (not with spankings but with talking to make us realize what impact our misbehavior had on everyone) firmly but lovingly.
I hope you can get to that point with your mother. Replace that guilt with love. You did the very best you could under the circumstances and it is now in the past. Remember the love. Give the love. And you share the love you remember with your family and friends.
Sister, You had a hard road caring for Mom on a day-to-day basis as she declined, and also caring for your husband with his health problems. You were wonderful with Mom. Not perfect, but no one is!!! Mom was very lucky to have such a thoughtful, loving daughter to take care of her.
I'm so glad you cam up with the idea for our new Mother's Day tradition! I look forward to our next Mother's Day.
Diana, you were a wonderful daughter and your mom knew it! If I could spend time with someone it would be my mom. She left us way too soon. Every day I think of how she would have loved to see the adults her grandchildren turned into and reveled in her great grandchildren.
Maggie, you are always so full of wisdom! Thank you for your kind words.
Thanks for stopping by sister! I am already planning my next Mother's Day and looking forward to who all I can surprise.
Paty, You are a good friend and thank you for the kind words. I remember you saying your mom had died young. You know she is watching all of you from heaven.
Thanks to everyone for commenting on my blog post. Diana
Diana - I can so relate. You and I have spoken about this in the past. I have always been a patient person, but now I am not, especially with my mom. Most of the time, I am, but every now and then... My biggest regrets are not keeping in touch with people as often as I should have. And now it is too late. BUT...I still talk to all of them. And hopefully, they are looking down and hear me :-)
You can be sure , Deb , I do know what you are going through with your mom. We at least all have the good memories to recall of our friends and family who have passed. Sending love and patience to you!
Your post hit me in a very raw spot today. Back in 1986 I had a feeling that my youngest son, Daryl, was having problems with drugs. And I knew it was past time to try to talk to him. He was 21 and was in and out of the house, sometimes sleeping here, sometimes not. We never saw him stoned or drunk. He didn't come home unless he was okay. We had no idea the extent of his problems. We were completely naive when it came to drugs. We had a vacation planned to California and I promised myself that Daryl would get my attention when we got back. Halfway through our vacation we got the call that he had been life-flighted to a Portland hospital. When high on meth, he'd been electrocuted and critically burned. Two weeks later, on July 16, 1986, he died from his injuries. Could we have helped him had we known the extent of his problem? We've had 33 years to think about that.
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