A Contradiction of Thought

By Robin Weaver

 I love that RTG has a monthly theme. Having a single topic provides just the right amount of inspiration to fire up my disjointed brain. If you’ve read any of my blogs, you know the theme and the resulting post are typically miles apart. But doing the twist makes writing fun.

I try to take the expected and do something completely different. For the November theme, “Abundance,” I wrote about having too many Christmas decorations. And being unable to stop making more. That same thought-contradiction led to the development of the Christmas Tree Wars. I mean, the holidays are about peace on earth, right? So naturally I needed to start a fight.

I didn’t plan to write a novel about a Christmas competition, but one year, a friend vowed to “one up” my holiday tree. At the time, she was helping me with my Phantom of the Opera decorations. We were creating a couple dozen music notes from dough and glitter (there might have been some Baileys involved), when she declared she was doing her own theme.

And she did. The birds!

Her tree was actually quite fowl.  STOP! I’m joking. Her creation was truly beautiful, and I probably spent more time looking for bird ornaments than she did. I’d love to tell you the planning/decorating turned into a scene from an Alfred Hitchcock movie (or Stephen King for those of you who don’t remember Al—wait, even Stevie is old now. What I meant is Squid Games—yeah, that’s it). Anyway, any of the three would have been more interesting, but we had a lot of fun.

My friend’s faux posturing—“My tree is gonna kick your tree’s butt.”—inspired the Christmas Tree Wars. The novella details a Christmas Tree competition, which brings in tourism, and is a big deal in the small town. Like any Hallmark Movie, eh…I mean character-driven story, our heroine doesn’t want to enter. A little goading by the town socialite (aka busty bully), a big bet, and an even bigger entry fee paid by friends who can’t really afford the gesture, and Suzette has no choice but to come out swinging (swinging tinsel on tree branches, but still…).

As the story developed, I fell in love with the imagined town, Merryvale, so had to set another story there. Likewise, the busty bully needed to redeem herself, thus Full Contact Decorating came to life. The third novella, the Gingerbread Skirmish, was actually planned. Everyone knows you must have three books in a series. 😊

I had a lot of fun with these novellas, especially writing the chapter headings. I added a twist on Christmas Songs to describe the chapters. Some examples include: What Childishness Is This, 12 Days of Lying, and, Chestnuts Roasted. I was advised NOT to do that—that it would be cheesy, but hey, no one paid me to NOT have headings. So, my book, my chapter subtitles.  And what’s wrong with cheesy, anyway?

Have a ho-ho, very happy holiday, Everyone.

And please check out the Christmas Tree Wars, written under my pen name Genia Avers.

Click on the link above to get the eBook FREE today on Apple & Kobo!

An Abundance of Obsession

by Robin Weaver

I have an abundance of Christmas ornaments, but I’m making more. Why? That answer is simple. I’m
obsessed with Christmas trees.

I’m the first to admit, my obsession is debilitating. If I’d use my time to start a business instead of gluing, painting, and getting glitter out of my rugs/kitchen/hair/etc., I’d probably be rich.

Then I could buy more ornaments.

Wait!

That’s not what I meant to say. Really.

Last year, my theme was “Up, Up & Away.” Yes, sadly I have a theme. Every year. I plan. And plan some more. My goal is a new theme each year (even if it’s just a fancy term for pink and green baubles, i.e. Apple Blossom Special). I also try to come up with a tree idea that won’t look like every other tree. Which has gotten harder and harder. I mean seriously, have you seen the variety in Hobby Lobby?

Anyway, for this Up-Up thesis, I spent days (maybe weeks) making glittery paper airplanes, hot-air balloons from old ornaments, and even crazy sequined flying saucers. All that for a mere thirty-eight days of beauty. I think my grammar school didn’t have enough arts & crafts.

This year’s theme is Royal Brass, which is just a fancy way to say my decorations will be blue, copper, and gold. Starting in July, I began stuffing blue velvet into Styrofoam balls. While I watched Netflix—didn’t want to totally waste my time. 😊 A couple weekend’s ago, I sprayed leaves gold and copper, and, of course, added lots of glitter.

Even I know the results don’t justify the hours invested. Still, I can’t stop. Designing my tree is kinda my thing. It’s not like I’m robbing banks, or defrauding investors. (Yeah, I’m not even buying this justification myself).

On a positive note, one year, a friend vowed to “one up” my tree. No, the challenge is not the positive note. The positive outcome was the competition (although no one admits to any competing) provided the inspiration for the Christmas Tree Wars. And the birth of the fictional town of Merryvale.

The novella details a small-town Christmas Tree competition, which incidentally brings in tourism and props up the town’s economy. The characters are also “tree” obsessed, but underneath all that glitz, there’s more to having the best tree than Dresden ornaments, preserved magnolia leaves, and garland by the town.

In short, we’re all people doing the best we can. And hopefully not defrauding investors. I hope there’s something that adds a little glitter to your life. Even if it is a little obsessive.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Robin

Top "TEN" Lists

By Robin Weaver

Happy 10th Anniversay, Genreistas!

On this tenth anniversary, the number reminded me of top ten lists. To find the most interesting groupings for our “decennial, I let Google come to the rescue. There were soooo many truly “unique” lists, I decided to list some snippets of the most interesting.

Here we go…

10 Most Bizarre Ways We Use Animals as Food

10. Snail Caviar: Okay, at first, I thought this wasn’t that weird, but normal caviar is weird enough.  How small are snail eggs?

7. Cow Eye Tacos: Ewww.  Just moo ewww. Why wasn’t this number one?

1. Wasp Crackers: I had to do a second Google on this one.  These aren’t crackers with bits of ground up stingers. Nope, these are rice crackers infused with full wasps instead of chocolate chips. These treats are all the rage in Japan, but then they love raw eggs and horsemeat, too.

 

10 Unpleasant Facts about John Lennon

Seriously, can’t we let the man RIP?

 

Top 10 Conspiracy Theories that Turned Out True

8. The US Government Collected Dead Children to Test the Effects of Radiation

Totally true. The government used cadaver parts for testingS. The U.S. and U.K. governments reached out to find recently deceased infants and young children, taking tissue samples and whole limbs. The parts were taken without permission or even notification of some 1,500 families.  If that isn’t the basis for a good plot…

1 The U.S. Government Actively Investigated Aliens & UFOs

 ‘Nuff said.

 

Top 10 Breast Milk Headlines

Say what? Who came up with this list? Why did they come up with this list?

Number 10: I Scream. You Scream. We All Scream for Breast Milk Ice Cream.

OR NOT—Definitely not.

Number 1: Mother Breastfeeds Teenage Son.  Ewww!

 

 

Failed Products from Famous Companies

#10 Tesla: Cybertruck

To demonstrate the durability of the Cybertruck, Elon Musk slammed a sledgehammer into the car’s body. Next, to showcase the “impenetrable glass armor, the lead designer threw a lead ball at the car window. Twice. The window smashed. Twice. Mr. Musk admitted there was “room for improvement.” And this man is taking us into space?

#8 Coca-Cola: Diet Coke Plus Green Tea

Coca-Cola tried to cater to health-conscious in 2009, and tested the new product in Japan, a country that consumes green tea at over 600 grams per person. However, that product didn’t exactly taste yummy, thus the product never debuted in the U.S.  Too bad—it would have paired well with wasp crackers and snail caviar.

6 Burger King: Halloween Whopper

The black bun created for the Halloween sandwich caused green bowel movements the next day. I don’t do bathroom humor, so we’ll move on.

#2 Frito Lay: Cheetos Lip Balm

Hmm, if successful, would Funyuns breath spray have followed.

#1 Evian—Water Bra

Truth is truly stranger than fiction--in 2005, Evian tried to enter the clothing market with a Water Bra. Evian designed the bra to cool down boobies in warm weather with pads containing mineral water. There was a filter funnel that allowed women to top off the water to their size preference. The bra also featured a pouch to hold a miniature water bottle. I guess if you got really thirsty, you’d be really fat. 

 

Top 10 Really Weird Facts about Poop. 

I didn’t even bother to read this one.

 

Top 10 Strangest Personal Collections

#10 Do Not Disturb Signs

#8 Air Sickness Bags

#4 Pizza boxes

# 2 Traffic Cones:

# 1 Fossilized Dinosaur Poop.  (Now I’m wondering if this was included in the ten weird poop facts.)

TOP 10 Scientific Facts They Don't Teach in School

#10 Most of the Cells in Your Body Aren’t Even Human
The bacteria in your gut is its own biome and does everything from making you crave sweets to influencing your mood. And, your bacteria outnumber you. 
#7 Water Can Be “Supercoiled” Below its Freezing Point
Pure, distilled water doesn’t have such impurities, and as a result, pure water can be “super cooled” to well below its freezing point.
#4 Medical Mistakes Are the Third Leading Cause of Death in the U.S.
#1 Incandescent Light Bulbs Made a Century Ago Lasted Much Longer Than They Do Today
Once rivals, Philips, Osram, Tungsram, ELIN, and General Electric, conspired to fix prices and re-engineered bulbs with a shorter lifespan to drive up prices and increase demand. Prior to 1924, light bulbs could be expected

to last 2,500 hours. There are instances of these early bulbs lasting over a hundred years. The Pheobus Cartel decided to shorten bulb-life to 1,000 hours; that’s what we’re still stuck with a century later. 

I hope these top “10” lists have entertained you on this “10^th” anniversary of the Genreistas.  This decade of blogging is truly a remarkable feat made possible by Judith and Sarah. I salute you, ladies, and thank you for including me in this journey. 

Here’s hoping the next ten bring us all continued success.

Robin

Re-spinning a Holiday Classic

By Robin Weaver 

It's a Wonderful Life is truly one of the all-time great holiday films, but let's be honest, the plot is hardly original. As a writer, I have been conditioned, since I first put my fingers on the keyboard, to always deliver the unexpected, so let's add some twists to this classic tale.

 

Having a fat old man be an angel is unexpected, even by today standards, so we’ll leave Clarence as is. No, wait. An angel is a bit predictable no matter what his shape. What if we made him a shape shifter? Hmm, that will screw up the plot. We want Clarence to evolve, not be dinner.

 

If not Clarence, who hears when George wishes he’d never been born? I know, he can wish on a penny. Oops—that’s absolutely predictable. Let's make it a dollar bill instead.

 

So George finds a dollar and… He simply cannot wish he'd never been born--even to a dollar bill. I mean seriously, how many times had that been done? Let's have him wish he'd been born a woman. To which the dollar replies, “The PMS alone would kill you. I like horses. What if I make you "my little pony" instead? 

 

And poof! Before George can protest, he’s got hooves and a shiny teal tail. He trots down the street, running into his mom—who falls and breaks a hip. Predictable, but what else can happen? Grandma has just been run over by a horse. She’s screaming, “Bloody horse murderer!” because she doesn’t recognize her son. Did I mention he’s a horse?

 

Anyway, George’s mom is rescued by Uncle Billy—who hasn’t been institutionalized because the Building and Loan is still going strong.  Don’t get me wrong, the Building and Loan collapsed (just like in the original story), only the government bailed out the financial institution. Billy splints mom’s broken hip and then kicks George the horse (didn’t expect that, did you? Evil grin).  Billy threatens to call--eh, can't be the police. Too ordinary. Instead, let's have Billy call the Evil Vet, Horsible Lecter. BIlly pulls out his mobile telegraph (hey, no cellphones in this era) and asked for Horsible.  The second George hears that name, he knows he's in deep manure and gallops home.

 

Mary will help him. Hold on, we have to make Mary less predictable, too.  She can’t be some lonely, scared spinster. Maybe George was holding her back. She’s gone to Vegas and become…a champion bull rider (Gotcha. You were expecting a showgirl, huh?)

 

So George realizes he shouldn’t have wished he was dead. Or a woman. And a bell rings—only let’s make it a bullhorn. In the old story, we all know the angel got his wings. In our story, the angel becomes…hmmm, how about a boy wizard.

 

Okay. You’re right. The original is better. Maybe with a classic, predictable is okay. Only let’s not call it predictable, we’ll call it tradition.

 

Hope your traditions are wonderfully predictable. Happy holidays, Everyone!

 

Contemporary Settings: In the Here and “How”

By Robin Weaver

As an author whose first love is mystery/suspense, I keep scenery description to a minimum. Thus, the imagery I do include on the page has to carry a lot of impact. While the locale doesn’t have to be Rio de Janeiro exciting, any setting information must be pertinent to the plot and more than “just a little” interesting.

Unless I’m writing fantasy, I don’t typically set contemporary stories in a place I’ve never been. Why? Because when it comes to scenery, I need to “feel” the location before I can write about the place. Sure, I could easily Google any place on Earth. There are millions of pictures, videos, and detailed descriptions; all the information a writer needs. Only you can’t smell a JPEG. Nor can you can’t sense the hustle and bustle of a city by reading a street map. I can get into my character’s head without ever meeting her, but I need to actually plant my feet in the place she lives to portray the setting vividly.

Even when I set a scene in a place I’ve visited before, I like to return to the scene of the crime if possible. For example, when I decided to have my heroine experience a scary encounter on Chimney Rock in North Carolina, I took a hike—literally.  I absorb the details and incorporate the majestic views into the scene, from my character’s perspective, of course.

She hobbled outside and across the wooden walkway, heading toward the clear-span bridge leading to the chimney. The scent of pine intertwined with pure, fresh air and rushed into her lungs, displacing her wooziness. The spectacle of the mountain backlit with bright blue skies almost made her forgot she had to get in the same elevator for her return trip.

But scenery is just prose without a plot. During my visit to the mountain, I spotted a shadowy figure in the Opera Box (a ledge in the side of the mountain) that inspired another scene.  I also discovered a really cool niche—perfect for hiding the body in my next book.

Do I ever use fictional places in my contemporary stories?  Absolutely. In my holiday novellas, The Christmas Tree Wars, Full-Contact Decorating, and The Gingerbread Skirmish, the town of Merryvale does not exist—not to my knowledge anyway. Even so, it’s not entirely fictional. I incorporated parts of Concord, Massachusetts, Burlington, Vermont, and a little taste of three North Carolina towns--Concord, Asheville, and Boone--to create my fictional backdrop. 

For my non-contemporary novels, I do make up places. My fantasy novels are set on a different planet. I haven't been there. Honestly .J

The Thing that Makes Everyone Smile

By Robin Weaver

What ”always” makes people smile? Muscles.

If you’ve read any of my blogs, I’m sure you aren’t the least surprised I didn’t say babies, kittens, pizza, or puppies—although those things do make my chipmunk cheeks do the happy squirrel dance.

I’m also sure you’ve heard the saying: It takes 43 muscles to frown and only17 to smile. That’s not exactly correct though.  Some researchers say 19 muscles are required for the Cheshire Cat imitation while others  insist it may take 26 muscles for that demur little smile.  Seems like the Brainaic Brigade should be able to figure it out, right?  I mean we understand anatomy, so why can’t the experts agree?

Problem is, people smile for a whole lot of reasons and each person does it differently. There are at least 19 different kinds of smile. Regardless of the specific grin-bearing-muscle count, all researches agree a genuine grin requires more exertion than the fake smile. All smiles require five sets of muscles to raise the upper lip and corners of the mouth, but the phony-baloney grin doesn’t activate the muscles that crinkle the outer eyes like the genuine smile. Thus, most of us can recognize a faker in a Miss America minute.

 What I find more fascinating than the HOW, is WHY our muscles behave the way they do when something tickles our fancy.  Most researches point to the monkeys—don’t they always? On a side note, don’t monkeys always make you smile? 😊

I digress.  Back to the monkey grin… Primates bear teeth when frightened or trapped. Or as an aggressive action to frighten and trap. Theorists say the human smile evolved for the same reason—to show submissiveness and communicate we’re not a treat. Those same know-it-alls, uh…I mean exports, say smiling also shows our social ranking. A.k.a. people on the low end of the power totem-pole smile more than the big bad boss.

Only I can’t buy that—not completely anyway. Infants who are blind from birth never see a smile, yet these children display the same variety of smiles as people with full vision.  Some suggest we even smile in the womb.  Wow, that’s something considering how icky it must be in there.  Anyway, studies also show that ten-month-old babies have a special “real” smile for mommy and give strangers a fake grin.

Science aside, keep smiling.  Bearing those teeth makes you feel better, decreases stress and can even make you live longer. According to one researcher, “smiling stimulates our brain’s reward mechanisms in a way that even chocolate…cannot match.” (I know, I said “science aside” but doesn’t chocolate excuse my faux pax? More important, smiling makes people respond to you in positive ways. It comforts people and makes them feel good.

So for you writers out there, maybe we shouldn’t be perfecting our pitches for editors and agents. Maybe we should be perfecting our smiles. Add a smile to any human situation, and you make things better.

Till then, keep grinning.

Snippets Overheard While Raising My Non-Domestic Goddess

By Robin Weaver

My daughter has matured into a delightful young woman and I’m extremely proud of her.  The journey to this delightfulness hasn’t always been so…pleasant.  Like most moms with rather—shall we say headstrong—teenagers, there were more teeth-grinding moments than smooth roller-blading. In hindsight, some of the interchanges with my daughter now seem a bit comical.

As part of this month’s potpourri, I thought I’d share some of the more amusing comments (even if they did result in me pulling out my hair when initially released. 😊) Here are some of my daughter’s comments from years past.

§  What? 2,227 text messages in one month is a lot?

§  Whaddya mean I’m outta money? I’ve still got a whole book of checks.

§  How many cups in a gallon? Isn’t that a song by N-Sync?

§  Why can’t I dry just one pair of socks and nothing else?

§  Brittney’s cousin Scott…that’s “who the hell” told me I didn’t have to file a tax return.

§  I was going to tell you about my report card…next semester when my grades are better.

§  For the millionth time… I cannot hear you knocking over my blow-dryer.

§  Said to my late husband… Of course, I haven’t forgotten what you said about wasting shampoo. I just need more than you. You wash your head with a facecloth.

§  I thought the guy at Jiffy Lube was supposed to tell me when I needed an inspection sticker. I can’t read those things.

§  As a matter of fact, I DO know several guys who would wear an orange jumpsuit in public.

§  Overdraft Protection? No I didn’t read the Debit Card Agreement, I specifically told that guy at the bank that I wanted an account that would tell ME when I was out of money.

§  Tons of my friends have three-hundred-dollar cellphone bills. You’re so old school.

§  They said they’ll turn my phone back on just as soon as I come up with the three hundred dollars…duh.

§  How am I supposed to get a job if my cellphone is shut-off…I mean how would they get in touch with me?

SIDE NOTE: God bless the unlimited text/data plans. 😊

Below all some all-too-rare occasions when Mom got the upper hand…

§  Said during the cramped time we lived in a tiny apartment while building our house: I’m well aware that we have only one bathroom. Are you aware that its only three blocks to the Texaco station?

§  No, I can’t turn my music down so you can pretend to do your homework.

§  No, you cannot eat Oreos for breakfast.  The elves said “no.”

Final score: Her-2,227, Me-3.

But I have the best consolation prize ever. No matter if it’s Christmas, Mother’s Day, or even St. Patrick’s Day, my card is always signed with those three little words that make everything else worthwhile: “Love you bunches.”

We’ll overlook the fact she still doesn’t know how many cups in a gallon. 😊

Wishing you a holiday filled with love and laughter.
Robin