By Robin Weaver
It's a Wonderful Life is truly one of the all-time great holiday films, but let's be honest, the plot is hardly original. As a writer, I have been conditioned, since I first put my fingers on the keyboard, to always deliver the unexpected, so let's add some twists to this classic tale.
Having a fat old man be an angel is
unexpected, even by today standards, so we’ll leave Clarence as is. No, wait.
An angel is a bit predictable no matter what his shape. What if we made him a
shape shifter? Hmm, that will screw up the plot. We want Clarence to evolve, not be dinner.
If not Clarence, who hears when George wishes he’d never
been born? I know, he can wish on a penny. Oops—that’s absolutely predictable.
Let's make it a dollar bill instead.
So George finds a dollar and… He simply
cannot wish he'd never been born--even to a dollar bill. I mean seriously, how
many times had that been done? Let's have him wish he'd been born a woman. To
which the dollar replies, “The PMS alone would kill you. I like horses. What if
I make you "my little pony" instead?
And poof! Before George can protest, he’s
got hooves and a shiny teal tail. He trots down the street, running into his
mom—who falls and breaks a hip. Predictable, but what else can happen? Grandma
has just been run over by a horse. She’s screaming, “Bloody horse murderer!”
because she doesn’t recognize her son. Did I mention he’s a horse?
Anyway, George’s mom is rescued by Uncle
Billy—who hasn’t been institutionalized because the Building and Loan is still going strong. Don’t get me wrong, the Building and Loan
collapsed (just like in the original story), only the government bailed out the
financial institution. Billy splints mom’s broken hip and then kicks George the
horse (didn’t expect that, did you? Evil
grin). Billy threatens to call--eh, can't be the police. Too ordinary. Instead, let's have Billy call the Evil Vet, Horsible Lecter. BIlly pulls out his mobile
telegraph (hey, no cellphones in this era) and asked for Horsible. The second George hears that name, he knows he's in deep manure and gallops home.
Mary will help him. Hold
on, we have to make Mary less predictable, too.
She can’t be some lonely, scared spinster. Maybe George was holding her
back. She’s gone to Vegas and become…a champion bull rider (Gotcha. You were
expecting a showgirl, huh?)
So George realizes he
shouldn’t have wished he was dead. Or a woman. And a bell rings—only let’s make
it a bullhorn. In the old story, we all know the angel got his wings. In our
story, the angel becomes…hmmm, how about a boy wizard.
Okay. You’re right. The
original is better. Maybe with a classic, predictable is okay. Only let’s not
call it predictable, we’ll call it tradition.
Hope your traditions are
wonderfully predictable. Happy holidays, Everyone!
