Romancing the Genres: Courtship

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Masks and Victorian Attitudes

All month, Genre-istas have written about masks: insights, motivations, purposes, self-disclosures, cultural elements, and so much more. I've enjoyed broadening my horizons through the eyes of each contributor.

Several of my fellow Genre-istas mentioned masks as a self-protection of an emotional kind. Masks that safeguard and protect, hide the emotional and internal upheavals that are too private to announce. After all, so many of us have been trained from childhood to politely ask "How are you?"--and also taught that 99%+ of those who ask don't really want to know.

As I considered what, if anything, I might add to this well-developed conversation, I looked at the subject of masks through my own ever-present lens: Victorian Era. I'm forever researching nineteenth century attitudes, prevailing societal norms, etc. to ensure my fiction set in the Victorian American West is accurate. Because I write sweet romance, nineteenth century (American) courtship expectations are an ideal focus. I wasn't all that surprised to see human nature really hasn't changed--nor has the American outlook on proper length of getting-to-know-you before tying the knot. Most of all, we recognize dating/courting couples have a mask of sorts--the "dating face", "putting our best foot forward", on our best behavior and all that good stuff, to ensure we don't sabotage a new relationship before it begins.

The following true-to-history excerpt comes from Marriage and the Duties of the Marriage relations, in a Series of Six Lectures, addressed to Youth, and the Young in Married Life by George W. Quinby, published in 1852.

Beware of hasty engagements and hasty marriages... Many a young man and young woman may appear well outwardly; yea, exceedingly beautiful and captivating--especially on a slight acquaintance--while inwardly they are all rottenness and deception.

When young persons--utter strangers--are thrown together as I have described--fall in love--are hastily engaged and hastily married--how can they reasonably expect to know any thing concerning the real character and disposition of each other? Instead of this, every thing is unfavorable to such knowledge. Their courtship is brief and quite all deception. They present only the favorable side in each other's presence. They listen only to the most captivating tones--to "sweet words of undying affection;" for these only are spoken. Every look and every movement is artificial. Thus is the real character of each hidden from the other--not designedly, perhaps--and the parties are deceived.

...in nearly every instance of marriage under similar circumstances, the match proves unfortunate and very unhappy. The parties become sensible they were deceived--criminations and recriminations pass between them--quarrels ensue, and alienation and wretchedness are the consequences.

Another precaution which must be exercised by both parties, in the choice of a companion, that a correct judgement be formed, is not to rely on ball room and other deceptive appearances.

...A prettily painted "piece of artificial workmanship," elegantly dressed and moving with the grace of a sylph in the merry dance, is very fascinating... but let him be cautious. When he marries he should connect himself with a wife; this is what he needs--not a ball room automaton.

Could he follow this charming creature to the place of her abode, hear her coarse words of complaint if vexed, and witness her in the morning with disheveled hair, disordered dress, and pale, haggard, dissatisfied countenance, the golden hues of his thoughts would vanish, the palpitations of his heart cease, and every idea of matrimony be driven from his head.

The entire text is available online:

Hi! I'm Kristin Holt.

I write frequent articles (or view recent posts easily on my Home Page, scroll down) about the nineteenth century American west–every subject of possible interest to readers, amateur historians, authors…as all of these tidbits surfaced while researching for my books. I also blog monthly at Sweet Americana Sweethearts (first Friday of each month) and Romancing the Genres (third Tuesday of each Month).

I love to hear from readers! Please drop me a note. Or find me on Facebook.

Sweet Romance Appropriate for All Audiences

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Brown's Matrimonial Method

by Kristin Holt

www.KristinHolt.com

Brown's Matrimonial Method
A Vignette of Victorian Advice
from:
Marriage and home : or, proposal and espousal : a Christian treatise on the most sacred relations to mortals known, love, marriage, home
by "A Clergyman"
Published 1888, Copyright 1886 (now in the public domain)

[See source links at bottom of article.]

"Brown, I don't see how it is that your girls all marry off as soon as they are old enough, while none of mine can marry."

"Oh! that's simple enough. I marry my girls off on the buckwheat straw principle."

"But what is that principle? I never heard of it before."

"Well, I used to raise a good deal of buckwheat, and it puzzled me a good deal to get rid of the straw. Nothing would eat it, and it was a great bother to me. At last I thought of a plan. I stacked my buckwheat straw nicely, and built a high rail fence around it. My cattle, of course, concluded that it was something good, and at once tore down the fence and began to eat the straw. I drove them away and put up the fence a few times, but the more I drove them away, the more anxious they became to eat the straw. After this had been repeated a few times, the cattle determined to eat the straw, and eat it they did, every bit of it. As I said, I marry my girls off on the same principle. When a young man I don't like begins calling on my girls, I encourage him in every way I can. I tell him to come as often and stay as late as he pleases, and I take pains to hint to the girls that I think they'd better set their caps for him. It works first-rate. He don't make many calls, for the girls treat him as coolly as they can. But when a young fellow that I like comes around, a man that I think would suit me for a son-in-law, I don't let him make many calls before I give him to understand that he isn't wanted around my house. I tell the girls, too, that they shall not have anything to do with him, and give them orders never to speak to him again. The plan works first rate. The young folks begin to pity each other, and the next thing I know they are engaged to be married. When I see that they are determined to marry, I always give in, and pretend to make the best of it. That's the way to manage it."

See the full text of this Victorian-era book:

1. on archive.org

2. on Hathi Trust Digital Library.org

Note: the transcription, above, is precisely as it appears in the original text on pp 129-130, including paragraphs.

Because I write Sweet Victorian American West Romance, I'm particularly interested in attitudes about courtship and matrimony in the 19th century and found this vignette amusing. As a mother, I see human nature hasn't changed in the intervening 128 years. Much has changed since the Victorian West; much has remained constant.

What do you think of Brown's advice? Is it as applicable today as it was in 1888?

Hi! I'm Kristin Holt.

I write frequent articles (or view recent posts easily on my Home Page) about the nineteenth century American west–every subject of possible interest to readers, amateur historians, authors…as all of these tidbits surfaced while researching for my books. I also blog monthly at Sweet Americana Sweethearts (first Friday of each month) and Romancing the Genres (third Tuesday of each Month).

I love to hear from readers! Please drop me a note. Or find me on Facebook.