My
husband and I have been married 23 years this year. We were married in 2000. We
had both been married before, so undertaking this commitment was fraught with
potential minefields. When we tied the knot I was 45 years old and he was 47. That
meant we both had few ideas of what we wanted/needed in a relationship.
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| Maggie's wedding in 2000 in Dunoon, Scotland |
It
is also true that we both had plenty of ideas of what we didn’t want. In fact,
itis always easier to express what you don’t want than what you do want. That
can be a problem down the line.
You
might think that having been married before would actually make a second
marriage have a better chance of success. Of course, one hopes you are also wiser and
more mature. However, even being older and wiser, both of us were also more
fixed in our approach to relationships. Both of us had lived with our exes for
a long period of time—me 12 years, him 15 years—and formed plenty of habits,
avoidance, and built new triggers to set us off. I suspect most people expect
the second marriage to be better because they are choosing more carefully.
Unfortunately,
Research shows that second
marriages end in divorce more often than first marriages. The likelihood of
getting divorced in first marriages is 45%, but in second marriages it is 60%. That
isn’t a good sign at all. Fortunately, I didn’t know these statistics when I remarried
or they may have scared me away.
But
what about the 40% who are successful? Those people report a higher level of
satisfaction in their marriage than people who are in successful first
marriages. So, what makes the difference in success? Is it being more
mature? Is it knowing what you want? Is it being more confident in articulating
your needs? All of these play a part. The biggest finding is that successful
couples agree to constantly expend “relationship effort” in their marriage.
What
that means is that when something unexpected happens—a new challenge or change
in life—they address it and work it out together. These challenges may
be something as small as a misunderstanding or as large as a terminal illness,
and everything in between. What they agree to is that they won’t walk away.
They won’t assume there is no good resolution. They won’t accept this as the
“bad” part of being married and then stuff it while resentment and anger build.
They won’t refuse to talk about it or pretend it didn’t happen.
They
value their relationship and therefore put in “consistent effort” to make it
work. This happens not only once, but hundreds or even thousands of times over
the duration of the relationship.
Though
there are hundreds of things that make marriage hard, two are brought up the
majority of the time in second marriages: 1) Expecting your new partner to act
or react like your previous partner; and 2) Dealing with the exes in your
life—particularly if there were children involved.
Expecting
a Partner to React Like Your Ex
I
have to admit the expectations of reactions were very hard for me in the
beginning. Even though I knew my ex and my husband were two different people
with different ways of behaving, I still had that immediate reaction of “he
won’t care about this because my ex didn’t care about it.” OR “he won’t be able
to empathize because my ex couldn’t empathize.” I’d learned a number of ways to
push someone away so as not to be disappointed or so I wouldn’t get angry.
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| Upset couple not talking to each other |
What
this means is that my assumptions, about his expected behavior, made me not ask
for what I needed. That meant my husband did not have a chance to show how
different he was from my ex. Most times in those first couple of years, he
didn’t even know it was happening. In the meantime, I was putting his reactions
in that same bucket as my ex. Not fair!
This
was brought to light in year three when I needed to go to the emergency room.
My husband drove me to the hospital and my expectation was that he wouldn’t
want to be in there with me because that was my previous experience. So, rather
than be disappointed by asking him to stay, I would say something like: “I’ll be
here for hours. You can go home and I’ll let you know if they decide to
discharge me.”
Some
men might rightfully take that as me saying “I don’t need you.” Or “I
don’t trust you to be there for me right now.” Or “You’re off the hook. This is
no big deal.” Of course, it WAS a big deal to me; but I’d learned over the
years that if I didn’t ask someone to be there with me, I couldn’t be
disappointed by the excuse for why they couldn’t (have to get back to work,
can’t get off work, had a big project at home I’m in the middle of and need to
finish, etc.).
Fortunately,
my husband said “I’m going to be with you and at your side until you tell me
you absolutely don’t want me there. You are my first and only priority right
now.” That is what I wanted to hear and he meant it. He was there for hours
that time, and another time for several days, even when it was not at all fun. He
will go to every doctor’s appointment with me, if I ask. When I don’t ask,
because he knows my tendencies now, he says, “I’m happy to go the doctor appointment
with you.” I’ve learned he means it. And
I learned to feel comfortable being honest as to when I want him to be there
with me and when it is truly no big deal to me. It took me several years to
reshape my expectations of this man for who he was instead of automatically
expecting something different.
It
wasn’t only me who had this transition problem. My husband also had some
immediate reactions based on the past behavior of his ex. In the early years of
our marriage, I would often say things
like, “Hold on. I’m not her. I’m me. Let’s try this conversation again.” And we
would have to talk it out and find what OUR relationship was like, what OUR
responses and feelings were now without making assumptions based on reactions from
our past.
Even
after 23 years together, each of us has, on occasion, still fallen into an old
trap. Triggers are all around us, and humans are very good at coming across a
new one and reacting based on old experiences. But that “relationship effort”
of reaction, analysis, and talking it through is what makes the difference.
It’s not always easy, especially if someone’s initial reaction is an angry
retort or a dismissal of someone’s feelings. But the more “relationship effort”
we put in, the less likely we will fall into those trigger traps.
Exes and
Shared Children
This
one definitely has a hundred possible triggers for problems, and researchers
report that those dealing with child rearing among two different families are
the most likely to end badly.
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Both families on a trip together in Pennsylvania
|
I
was not able to have children, even though I would have loved to do so. My husband came into our marriage with two children and a shared custody agreement
with his ex. When one comes into a marriage with children, the ex is involved
in your life forever. You may not fight about the children, but even as adults
you will be required to be together at marriages, and other passages in life
with grandchildren—birthdays, religious ceremonies, school performances. So, it
is best to find a way to at least be civil to each other.
For
us, instead of two people negotiating the relationship, there were three much
of our earlier years. For some couples, where both parties bring children to
the marriage and both exes have remarried, there can be as many as six people
involved in the marriage. I don’t know about you, but that is a lot of people
that one has very little control over. It also gums up discussions because
there can be many old resentments to navigate. For those who are in this
situation and finding it difficult, I highly recommend finding a good marriage
counselor. You will need a third party who is completely separate from all the
dynamics of these relationships and past triggers. The counselor can help you
see your way forward and help you practice skills that de-escalate problems.
Again,
I was fortunate. When I met my husband’s ex, I liked her as a person and respected
her as a professional in her field. Fortunately, she also liked me. We were
able to communicate well and to work out any potential problems in advance. I
was also fortunate because my husband and his ex, soon after their divorce, had
made a conscious decision to always put the children first. If there was
conflict, they were able to retreat from recriminations and think about what
was best for the children in that moment in order to negotiate a resolution.
The
parts that were most difficult for me, and continue to be difficult, is feeling
like the third wheel in having a relationship with the children. This is common
for many step-parents. The reality is that the children’s loyalty is to their
mother and father. Though I have a good relationship with the children and
their wives, I will never be their mother. I’ve had to learn that our
relationship can never be what I dreamed it would be. But it is still something
good. Without them and a good relationship I would never have had the chance to
be a grandparent.
Notes
for Writers on Relationships
Though
what I’ve written about is my own experience about second marriages, I also
share this for writers who write romance or women’s fiction or any story of
families making their way through change.
Every
relationship has ups and downs, those who have hardship in a previous
relationship are going to have to determine how to navigate something new. Even
in first marriages, the couple has to deal with their expectations—good or
bad—based on their experiences in their own families, with their own parents, or
with previous girlfriends/boyfriends. Those who have a good relationship but
are challenged by change or tragedy aren’t going to simply bounce back or have
everything go swimmingly to get them through.
It
is important to inject these difficulties into the story to make it realistic.
We may dream of perfect partners, perfect children, and perfect support and
want to make our book reflect that. But even a Hallmark Channel romance has
challenges to overcome, misunderstandings, people who want to give up. It is
always easier to run away. Portraying those challenges and the characters
overcoming them is more interesting and more satisfying for the reader.
The
relationships that work in the long term—whether marriage, or friendship, or
raising children—are the ones where trust is earned because both parties proved
they are willing to put in the effort to recognize challenges and work together
to overcome them.
Maggie
Lynch is the author of 27
published books. Her fiction tells stories of people making heroic choices one
messy moment at a time. Her novels span women’s fiction, SF & Fantasy,
suspense, and contemporary Upper Middle Grade children’s books.
