Goals, Commitments or Not

 Hi, I’m Judith Ashley, author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, soul nourishing romantic women’s fiction with light paranormal elements. My stories show you what life could be like if you had a place like The Circle where you are unconditionally accepted, supported and loved. And where, with this support, you make choices to overcome the darkest nights of your life to choose love and light.

My Least Favorite Goal and Why I Set It – Not

I’ve found over the years that it is not always helpful to me to set goals.

I used to.

Ask people who knew me 20 – 30 years ago. I had Goals five years out. I had monthly, weekly and daily action lists. Items were crossed off or moved over to the next day. I also worked 50+ hours a week, had no real “Me” time, etc. I accomplished A Lot! And people saw me as organized and productive, someone who did what she said she’d do, etc. etc. etc.

However, time has passed. I’m as retired as I want to be. I still write (mostly blog posts these days. I have an idea of finishing my second non-fiction and maybe even getting both it and my first non-fiction on audio tape. I’ve a couple of started manuscripts I could possible work on.

Why am I not Setting Goals to Get Those Things Done?

Because what I’ve learned through experience is that life, or Life or especially LIFE not only can but does rear up and my best intentions go sliding into that place where “good intentions” go to die. Being a recovering (still working on that) high achiever, that is a very uncomfortable place to be even though I’ve taught myself to look at what I did accomplish as a percentage of my goal. A goal of one hundred thousand words is 50% met if I write fifty thousand words.

While that actually feels better than chastising myself for failing there is still a vestige of unease because I didn’t reach the 100% mark.

The past several years has seen Life if not LIFE spend way too much time with me. I’ve worked to reframe my achievements and while I can say I’ve not Failed, I still struggle with not being Successful.

However I am someone who makes an effort to find the gift in the challenges and this is what I’ve learned.

Setting Goals doesn’t work for me. In fact, setting goals can create anxiety and a sense of failure.

What does work?

I’m looking at the possibility of what I may accomplish.

I’m focusing on being realistic, given several factors over which I don’t seem to have total control, on what I might accomplish.

I’m thinking small. I’m thinking doable even if Life and/or LIFE show up.

While I may not be setting goals, I am still making Commitments.

     I am Committed to my health and well-being.

     I am Committed to “showing up” for friends and family as best I can.

     I am Committed to writing albeit blog posts.

I’d like to commit to finishing my non-fiction and seeing it and my first non-fiction in audio book format, however that isn’t realistic. It may happen if the stars align, etc. etc. etc. I have no control over the stars or “etc.” so it will happen if it happens.

True confession: This is not a comfortable place for me to be. And I know it is where I need to be at this point in my life.

In order to keep my first commitment, I must pay attention to stressors in my life. A big one is committing to do things I actually can’t do without negative effects in my life. It wasn’t that long ago I could push myself to get things done with few if any negative side effects.

That is no longer true.

While writing is a big part of my life, so are family and friends. Recently a long time best friend died. Over the past several years, I’ve lost friends who had been in my life for 30 – 40 years. The saying “Life’s too short” has a whole different meaning to me now.

One of the main reasons I do write is I see myself as a regular ordinary person. If something is a challenge for me, it most likely is a challenge for a bunch of other people. Perhaps if I share a bit of my life, my challenges and how I'm coping or managing or finding a way through or past them, it can help someone else.

The characters in The Sacred Women’s Circle series face the every-day kinds of challenges most women face. They each keep searching and in that process make decisions and changes so they do manifest their dreams. Perhaps not exactly as they’d originally seen them, but certainly exactly as it needed to be for their happiness.

I’ve mentioned my non-fiction book(s). They are based on the concepts created by Dr. William Glasser. I’ve been involved in his work since the 1970’s. What I’ve learned has had a profound impact on my life.

Key tenants that help me through the day are

“The only person’s behavior we can control is our own” – I remind myself of this one when I really want other people to make different choices.

“All behavior is purposeful” – I use this one when I find myself making a choice that in hindsight, I’m not pleased with. I also use this in trying to understand other people.

There are a few others. If you are interested in knowing more, let me know. I'm on The William Glasser International teaching faculty and regularly teach these concepts.

You can find my books at your favorite e-book vendor as well as through my website www.JudithAshley.net and Windtree Press. Print books are available at Jan’s Paperbacks in Beaverton, OR and Arte Soleil in Portland, OR. Get the addresses from my website. And be sure to ask your library if you’d prefer to read my books through that resource.

Learn more about Judith's The Sacred Women’s Circle series
at JudithAshley.net

Check out Judith’s Windtree Press author page.

You can also find Judith on FB! 

© 2024 Judith Ashley

 

One of These Days I'm Gonna ...

 Hi, I’m Judith Ashley, author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, soul nourishing romantic women’s fiction with light paranormal elements. My stories show you what life could be like if you had a place like The Circle where you are unconditionally accepted, supported and loved. And where, with this support, you make choices to overcome the darkest nights and choose love and light.

August is the 8^th month of the year. We are well past the half-way point in 2023.

I had such plans for myself in January. The previous couple of years had been a challenge due to some health issues. I was hopeful that the antibiotics, etc. had done their work and I’d be on top of the world again.

Alas, that was/is not my reality.

When I look around me, I do not see progress. However, my very best friend was reminding me just yesterday that even when I don’t think I’ve done anything, I actually have.

She is, of course, correct. I’ve gotten up, dressed, done my morning routine of fixing tea and protein bar. I’ve checked emails 99% of the time. I feed myself. So, what’s this “I’ve not done anything” about?

It’s actually very simple.

I’ve always been an independent doing kind of person. I make a list and Do It. Of courses there are days when not Everything gets done and by the end of the week or maybe in extreme cases, the month, it does all get done.

I noticed that I was falling behind around the beginning of 2004. I’d been in another auto accident and it was Much Harder for me to recover from that. When I look back I see that my list “One of These Days” started between then and 2010. That’s 19 years!

I won’t bore you with my “One of These Days” and “Gonna Do It” lists. I will tell you that I’ve made progress on whittling them down. And yes, there are and have been challenges along the way.

#1: Finding someone who can do things I cannot do who is competent and available and affordable. I managed that in May 2023.

#2: Giving myself a realistic time frame. I’m working on that one.

#3: Sorting things into what I can do and what I need help to get done. Some things no one else can do. For example: I did get a simple Will written out and notarized the day before I traveled to St. Louis, MO for the 2023 Glasser conference.

#4: Along with the realistic time frame is pacing. I don’t have the stamina to work on more physical projects every day and sometimes not even every other day.

#5: Celebrate successes! Yep, one of those things that makes everything easier and yet…

#6: One of the core messages in Dr. William Glasser’s teaching is “Is what I’m Doing bringing me closer or pushing me apart from the people who matter?” I’ve adapted that to “Is what I’m doing now helping me move forward or holding me back? Is it something that will matter next week, month, year or in 5 or 10 years?” By answering this question, I put things in perspective and that is helpful to me.

#7: Be flexible both in terms of time lines and also what is important. Revisit the “will it matter in weeks, months, years”. There are things I’d like to have done that don’t actually affect my life. An example is to have the roof of my house “raised” and the upper level made into two large main bedrooms including a lovely bathroom, closet and balcony off the back of the house where I can see Mt. Hood on a clear winter day. I’ve lived here 47 years without that. However many years I have left, while it would be nice, it isn’t necessary.

#8: Share the load. As I said, there are things that only I can do. There are also Lots of things, other people can either do or help me with them. This one seems so easy and yet, for an independent person it is one of the more difficult. I am making progress and still have a ways to go!

#9: Find joy in each day, each step along this path.

#10: Be grateful. I am very fortunate in so many ways. Focusing on what I have rather than what I don’t have or don’t have yet actually makes my life simpler, easier and happier.

What would you add to this list?

You can find all of my books at your favorite e-book vendor. Be sure to ask
your local library if you’d prefer to read my books through that resource.

Learn more about Judith's The Sacred Women’s Circle series at JudithAshleyRomance.com

Check out Judith’s Windtree Press author page.

You can also find Judith on FB! 

© 2023 Judith Ashley

My Life and Numbers

Hi, I’m Judith Ashley, author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, soul nourishing romantic women’s fiction with light paranormal elements. My stories show you what life could be like if you had a place like The Circle where you are unconditionally accepted, supported and loved. And where, with this support, you make choices to overcome the darkest nights and choose love and light.

I’m writing this post on my son’s 60^th birthday. At the time, it was not my favorite day. Sixty years ago I’d been in labor about 30 hours and I still had 3+ more to go. When you read this, my son will be 60 years and 2 days old. We will have celebrated with his favorite meal from the nearby Chinese restaurant and he’ll have spent time with his daughters and grandchildren on Zoom. Oh, and he’ll have a store of his favorite snack - shelled pistachios!

My comments on Ann Chaney’s Wednesday post are about numbers that consistently show up in my life: 2, 4, 8 and I’ll add to that 19 (both my dad and I were born on that day).

Actually I’ve lived long enough and have had a varied enough career that I can think of something special that is attached to just about any number.

Here are a few:

Children - 1

Grands and Great Grans - 2 of each

Siblings – 2 although only 1 is still alive

Best Birthday Ever! – my 80^th – my 3 circle sisters treated me to a long weekend at the Oregon Coast

Number of years I’ve lived in my house – 47

Number of moves before I bought my house – too many to keep track

Number of years I’ve been officially involved in the work of Dr. William Glasser – 45

Number of home studies I’ve written for adoption families - 300+ home over almost 30 years

I’m also a published author.

Published:

8 fictions novels (The Sacred Women’s Circle series and Visions of Happiness)

1 non-fiction (Staying Sane in a Crazy World)

Website:

This, my 3^rd one, is my favorite.

What I realize in writing this is that there are many areas of my life where I’ve not kept track of how often or how many. I know I’ve made virtual friends around the world through writing and Romancing The Genres.

I’ve written numerous blog posts. My rough guess is I’m well over 200. Not sure I've reached 300 yet.

I also know that most of the above would not have been possible without my very best friend, Michele. 

None of the Glasser work would have been possible without my friend, Marty. 

None of my writing adventures would have been possible without the support of Maggie Lynch, Paty Jager and the other authors at Windtree Press.

And as for being here celebrating Romancing The Genres’ 12^th Blog-O-Versary? Well, without Co-BQ (Blog Queen) Sarah McDermed, there wouldn’t even be an RTG.

Do share our celebration by signing up for our Mega-Giveaway drawing. The link is at the top of the page. You’ll be added to the mailing lists of the Genre-istas who have contributed to the Giveaway. Do give them a chance before you unsubscribe.

You can find all of my books at your favorite e-book vendor. Be sure to ask your local library if you’d prefer to read my books through that resource.

Learn more about Judith's The Sacred Women’s Circle series at JudithAshleyRomance.com

Check out Judith’s Windtree Press author page.

You can also find Judith on FB! 

© 2023 Judith Ashley

Simple Tips To Enhance Connections With Others

 Hi, I’m Judith Ashley, author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, soul nourishing romantic women’s fiction with light paranormal elements. My stories show you what life could be like if you had a place like The Circle where you are unconditionally accepted, supported and loved. And where, with this support, you make choices to overcome the darkest nights and choose love and light.

For many people, February is the month when they say or do something special to acknowledge the romantic relationships in their lives. For other people the romantic label isn’t important so they include other relationships. I remember Valentine’s Day when I was twelve. My dad got me a gift. I treasured that blouse for decades. In fact it might be tucked away somewhere in my house!

I also know people who do not make a big or even a small deal about Valentine’s Day. They want to show the people in their lives that they are loved, cared about.

My family and friends fall more into the latter category than the former one. We end conversations on the phone with “I love you”. I text my granddaughters with that simple message. Nothing more than that --- well, often it shows up at “Love You Lots!!!”

Why do I consciously choose to tell people I love them?

I was briefly married to a man who never said those words once we were wed and actually only said them once or maybe twice while we were dating. I realized that hearing the words mattered to me.

From my professional experiences working with at-risk youth and vulnerable elderly, I know that many of them do not believe they are loveable, at least not in a healthy way. Hearing an adult tell you they are only abusing you for your own good or because they love you and you need to learn whatever the lesson is are not healthy expressions of love much less caring.

During this month where the airwaves are full of messages about showing someone you love by purchasing whatever the product is, I offer the following as a way to show that person how important they are to you.

First, take a look at the following, what Dr. William Glasser called the Seven Deadly or Disconnecting Habits.

Criticizing
Blaming
Complaining
Nagging
Threatening
Punishing
Rewarding to Control

Really monitor your behavior and make a plan to reduce if not eliminate any or all of the above.

In the meantime, pay attention to Dr. Glasser’s  Seven Caring or Connecting Habits. When interacting with others, look for ways to increase these.

Supporting
Encouraging
Listening
Accepting
Trusting
Respecting
Negotiating differences

For more information about these ideas and how to implement them in your personal and professional life, check out The Glasser Institute for ChoiceTheory – US or The William Glasser Institute International for trainings and resources near you.

You can find all of my books at your favorite e-book vendor. Be sure to ask your local library if you’d prefer to read my books through that resource.

Learn more about Judith's The Sacred Women’s Circle series at JudithAshley.net

Check out Judith’s Windtree Press author page.

You can also find Judith on FB! 

© 2023 Judith Ashley

In love and light by Judith Ashley

Hi, I’m Judith Ashley, author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, soul nourishing romantic women’s fiction with light paranormal elements. My stories show you what life could be like if you had a place like The Circle where you are unconditionally accepted, supported and loved. And where, with this support, you make choices to overcome the darkest nights and choose love and light.

February, the month of love and romance, becomes focused on February 14^th, at least here in the United States.  But what about February 15^th or even April 15^th or September 15^th? What about celebrating this month of love and romance during an on-going pandemic?

Thousands of people who live alone, myself included, have been experiencing “skin hunger” from the lack of hugs. Untold thousands have been denied the ability to hold the hand of someone they loved and cared about as they crossed over to another realm. Saying those precious three words “I Love You” over the phone or on a virtual call is better than nothing but lacks some essential energy that is only available when face-to-face and looking into each other’s eyes.

While certainly not The Answer, here are some of my thoughts:

I adopted the phrase “In love and light” as my author tag line and my signature line decades ago when I realized I didn’t want to miss the opportunity to let people know they were special. As I write this or any other blog post, when I write an email or send a text as I click on publish or send, I visualize a stream of love and light following along.

This year I’m working on expanding this practice to saying Thank You to everyone who assists me through the day. The grocery store clerk, the gas station attendant, the bank clerk, the receptionist, the people in my neighborhood who step to the street so I can remain on the sidewalk. I’m doing fairly well with this practice especially when I’m focused on where I am and what I’m doing.

One interaction that lightens and brightens my day is if, at the end of a transaction whether on the phone or in person, I’m asked if there is anything else I need, I now response “Yes, for you to have a fantastic rest of your day” or words to that effect.

While what I’m doing is not exactly a romantic gesture nor is it romantic in any way, from the bright smiles and warm voices it does matter to the other person.

So, do we need love? Is love all we need? I believe we do want to know, to actually feel loved unconditionally by at least one other person. We want to matter to someone else. I also believe we need to apply these same principals to ourselves: to love ourselves unconditionally, to forgive ourselves for being human and inevitably making mistakes and to treat ourselves with compassion.

Last month I shared Dr.William Glasser’s 7 Caring Habits. I know someone cares about me when they engage in those “loving” or “caring” behaviors. In other words, the words are not enough – at least for me. I want more. I want the words AND the loving, caring actions.

Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman says to Richard Gere that she wants it all. She wants the fairy tale. The truth is we each have our own “fairy tale” about love.

My wish for you is that you unconditionally love yourself so that your fairy tale comes true.

And, I’d love to know what your thoughts are about how to keep love and light alive throughout the rest of 2022 and beyond. I’ll be checking back and responding as the day goes on.

You can learn more about unconditional love and how to create relationships that work in my Sacred Women’s Circle series.

My Staying Sane in a Crazy World, provides you with a template to create your Personal Staying Sane Plan to help you through the challenging times.

You can find all of my books at your favorite e-book vendor. Be sure to ask your local library if you’d prefer to read my books through that resource.

Learn more about Judith's The Sacred Women’s Circle series at JudithAshley.net

Follow Judith on Twitter: JudithAshley19

Check out Judith’s Windtree Press author page.

You can also find Judith on FB! 

© 2022 Judith Ashley

How to Kill A Relationship

Hi, I’m Judith Ashley, author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic women’s fiction with light paranormal elements. My stories show you what life could be like if you had a place like The Circle where you are unconditionally accepted, supported and loved. And where, with this support, you make choices to overcome the darkest nights and choose love and light.

In addition to being a fiction and non-fiction author, I am on the faculty of The William Glasser Institute International and The GlasserInstitute for Choice Theory. 

One of the core principles of Dr. Glasser’s teachings is that when our relationships with ourselves and important people in our lives is healthy and works, we are happier. Running counter to that in many people’s perspective is another core principle which is the only person’s behavior we can control is our own. Why counter? Because many people believe they can control someone else and in the process kill a relationship without meaning to by engaging in one or more (the more the faster to end the connection) of what Dr. Glasser called The Seven Deadly Habits.

Criticizing

Blaming

Complaining

Nagging

Threatening

Punishing

Rewarding to control aka bribery

I invite you to consider those relationships that are not as happy as you’d like them to be and monitor your use of these 7 deadly ways of interacting with people.

In addition monitor your self-talk because your relationship with yourself is the most important one of all. Radical self-care may be needed. If so, shoulders back, chin up and march forward knowing that in order for you to engage in a healthy relationship with others, it is important to have that relationship with yourself.

And if you are finding life a bit messy or confusing

or challenging or chaotic, check out Staying Sane in a Crazy World. You will learn more about Dr. Glasser’s concepts as well as what you can do to manifest a happier life for yourself including information for you to create your own personal staying sane plan.

If you are not yet on my mailing list, you can sign up for Choices here. I’ve created a new free offering that includes the novella Sarah’s Ankh along with the first chapter of Lily: The Dragon and The Great Horned Owl. I hope you enjoy them.

Look for my next non-fiction Yes, You Can Create The Life You Love this summer. All of my books are available at your favorite e-book vendor. Be sure to ask your local library if you’d prefer to read my books through that resource.

Learn more about Judith's The Sacred Women’s Circle series on her website JudithAshley.net

Follow Judith on Twitter: JudithAshley19

Check out Judith’s Windtree Press author page.

You can also find Judith on FB! 

© 2021 Judith Ashley 

Funny or Not, Here I Come

Hi, I’m Judith Ashley, author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic women’s fiction with light paranormal elements. My stories show you what life could be like if you had a place like The Circle where you are unconditionally accepted, supported and loved. And where, with this support, you make choices to overcome the darkest nights and choose love and light.

To be honest I’m not 100% sure that April Fool’s Day is recognized around the world. It is in the USA by some. I will admit that it did play a part in choosing this month’s theme.

I’m fortunate that when I look back on my childhood, I’ve many memories of laughing with family, playing games, sing-a-longs, board games, tag and kick-the-can when outside. I even remember fun times as I grew older and one of my “truths” in the working world was if I wasn’t having fun, I didn’t stay in the job.

Why that was true for me became apparent when in my 30’s I became involved with Dr. William Glasser’sconcepts. I was so intrigued, so drawn to them that I made the time and found the funds to complete the Certification process and go on to become a member of the Senior Faculty.

Dr. Glasser believed that we all have an inherited need for fun. In some people that’s pretty apparent, perhaps less so in someone else. I’ve never seen South Park as funny. In fact I’ve never watched a full episode because I find it more offensive than anything else. I’ve had friends, who think it hilarious, attempt to explain why it’s funny, why they laugh - to no avail.

Why? Because we are all different. What one person loves to read, to watch, to do – something that lightens their day, brings a smile to their face and laughter burbling forth can darken a day, bring a frown to a face and no laughter at all.

You will have the opportunity this month to see what the word Laughter evokes from people around the world. Our Genre-istas come from Australia, Canada, United Kingdom and the United States. So many different countries, cultures and backgrounds. Our guests write romantic comedy. We invite you to stop by and see what they are up to in their writing and publishing lives.

While I do not write romantic comedy, I do have humor somewhere along the line in each of my books. As we continue to shift the tide of the pandemic, I invite you to take a look at where, when and with whom you laugh. And if there is a way, work to increase those moments. I’ve read in a couple of places that laughter supports our immune system and increases those feel good endorphins.

I publish a monthly newsletter. I’ve had the first book in The Sacred Women’s Circle available for free until now. I’ve created a new free offering that includes the novella Sarah’s Ankh along with the first chapter of Lily: The Dragon and The Great Horned Owl. I hope you enjoy them. If you are not yet on my mailing list, you can sign up for Choices here. If you are on my mailing list, you’ll get a separate email with a link to download Sarah’s Ankh within the next day or two.

Look for my next non-fiction Yes, You Can Create The Life You Love by late spring aka early summer. And if you need guidance on handling stress, Staying Sane in A Crazy World is available as are all of my books at your favorite e-book vendor. Be sure to ask your local library if you’d prefer to read my books through that resource.

Learn more about Judith's The Sacred Women’s Circle series at JudithAshley.net

Follow Judith on Twitter: JudithAshley19

Check out Judith’s Windtree Press author page.

You can also find Judith on FB! 

© 2021 Judith Ashley