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| Maggie Lynch |
I’ve been a
romance writer for more than three decades. I’ve been a published romance
novelist since 2010. I am one of those writers who primarily “write what I
know” with names changed to protect both the innocent and the guilty. For the
most part, my novels are a reflection of my life, the lives of my siblings and
their romantic entanglements, and that of my extended family—aunts, uncles,
cousins. I come from a large family so there is plenty of relationship examples
that are both challenging, completely screwed, and some that are triumphs.
These alone can keep me writing until my death.
Because I have a
background in psychology I’ve always had a good sense of why relationships work,
or don’t work, in real life. Romantic relationships run into trouble because there
are such high stakes for self-esteem, trust, satisfying the need to connect on
an intimate level, and ultimately choosing whether sharing a life with someone
else is realistic. The fear that we won’t manage that well often keeps people
from telling the full truth not only to a potential partner but even to themselves.
However, it
wasn’t until I started reading and writing nonfiction articles for Medium that
I realized how much people crave real world examples of romance and what makes
a good relationship. The most popular articles on Medium are about love and
relationships. Everyone is looking for something more than they have—even when
what they have is pretty good.
It made me wonder
how romance novels reflect real life and how much they have shaped women’s
perceptions and expectations of what romance and marriage relationships should
be. Do most of us write real relationships? Or do we primarily write wish
fulfillment relationships that set up unrealistic expectations of love and
marriage? I’ve explored that by using two powerful romance tropes that have
certainly impacted my own life.
Unconditional Love
In my nonfiction
article, Is
Unconditional Love Possible? I look at the idea that many women believe
that 1970’s movie line from Love Story: “Love means you never have to say you’re sorry.” And there
are a lot of romance novels that reinforce that with the easy forgiveness of
misdeeds or the simple acceptance from the protagonist that if they are “really
in love” they should forgive more easily.
Do we have any
responsibility for writing stories where women are independent and strong in
their own right? I think the modern woman does expect a lot more self-agency
than in the past. I don’t personally believe that most relationships can or
should forgive misdeeds without consequences.
Another part of
unconditional love expectation is how it morphs into an expectation of some
kind of mind-reading ability. I don’t mean psychic mind reading as often used
in paranormal novels, but more of the “soulmate” trope where the potential
lovers are so attuned to each other—so in love—that their partner will just
“know” what their needs are and deliver on them.
As romance
novelists I think we do play up that mystical “knowing” the needs of a partner.
This is especially clear in romantic sex scenes in most novels. The wish
fulfillment part inevitably includes one partner, usually the dominant one, knowing
exactly what to do to make the protagonist feel loved, wanted, beautiful, handsome,
sexy, amazing, empowered. It becomes an integral part of building the
protagonist’s self-esteem, trust, and ultimately commitment. I’m raising my own
hand high here and admitting I’ve done that in my novels, too.
I’m not saying we
shouldn’t provide some wish fulfillment in our novels under the flag of
entertainment. However, I do think many romance novels could be even stronger
if they also include a good dose of reality where our characters have to ultimately
realize that their self-esteem and strength has to come from within themselves.
The protagonist must be put in situations that force them to stand up alone, resolve
problems, and overcome major issues without the all-knowing partner by their
side supporting them in every step. It is only by proving it to themselves can
they truly develop an internal belief in their own unique strengths, beauty,
and ultimately commitment to move forward.
Friends to Lovers
A second
nonfiction article I wrote relates to the friends-to-lovers trope in romance.
The article examines the real role of chemistry in long-term relationships. Are
the Best Marriages Primarily Chemistry or Friendship? I certainly believe you need both chemistry
and friendship. However, I would suggest the balance is better served if it
tilts more toward friendship than the chemistry end.
Since the early
21st century the romance genre’s norm has been wide ranging acceptance
of more sexy books. This requires a stronger element of the chemistry part of
the equation. I personally wonder if we’ve relied on chemistry too much now to
the exclusion of ensuring the long-term friendship part of a committed
relationship.
I understand how
great sex can temporarily erase a lot of misgivings. It certainly fogs the
mind—at least mine. However enjoyable chemistry is, it IS temporary. In fact,
remaining in that constant heightened state of sexual attraction and feeling
the need to act on it all the time would actually be exhausting and perhaps
even torture.
The problem with
romance relationships relying so much on good chemistry is again with what
happens after the book ends? What happens when the couple doesn’t have the same
raging hormones later in life? Or a chronic illness or disability changes the
relationship? What happens when real life—children, economics, jobs, other
stress—intervenes and accessing that great chemistry isn’t available or isn’t enough
to overcome problems?
I’m not going to
argue whether purely escapist romance is needed and some people want to write
that vs those who feel a need to write more realistic romance. There is room
for both. However, I think that examining our role in offering some solid,
relationship-building examples within a fictional world we can control is an
important consideration.
Summary
Our personal
relationships do impact our writing, both in terms of whether we choose to
write more wish fulfillment scenarios or more realistic scenarios. Many authors
often work out their own relationship challenges in the way they choose to
create their world, populate it with characters, and express and resolve
challenges on the page. Simultaneously, many readers often find healing from
confusion, and even trauma, in certain types of romance stories. Stories that can
provide a new perspective on how to overcome one’s past with real-world models
of forming a strong romantic relationship can be the beginnings of
life-changing possibilities.
Looking at
nonfiction resources about relationships, including self-esteem, love, and marriage,
is a great way to add additional depth and nuance to our stories. Most of us
think nothing of spending hours researching a foreign country, a historical
fact, small town environment we may not know. Yet, because we have all loved
and lost or loved and won, we often don’t consider researching the science and
psychology of relationships. We don’t necessarily think there is something new
to learn.
Even though I
have a background in psychology and counseling, I’ve found there is always
something more to learn. Cultural changes, generational changes, what is
accepted and known compared to the past are just a few things I can learn. I have
some blinders in my own relationships just like everyone else. I believe most
writers could benefit from learning more about what really makes a relationship
work well and finding a way to fold that into their stories.
Maggie Lynch is the
author of 20+ published books, as well as numerous short stories and
non-fiction articles. Her fiction tells stories of men and women
making heroic choices one messy moment at a time. You can learn more about her
in these venues. Website
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