 |
| Maggie Lynch |
I’ve been a
romance writer for more than three decades. I’ve been a published romance
novelist since 2010. I am one of those writers who primarily “write what I
know” with names changed to protect both the innocent and the guilty. For the
most part, my novels are a reflection of my life, the lives of my siblings and
their romantic entanglements, and that of my extended family—aunts, uncles,
cousins. I come from a large family so there is plenty of relationship examples
that are both challenging, completely screwed, and some that are triumphs.
These alone can keep me writing until my death.
Because I have a
background in psychology I’ve always had a good sense of why relationships work,
or don’t work, in real life. Romantic relationships run into trouble because there
are such high stakes for self-esteem, trust, satisfying the need to connect on
an intimate level, and ultimately choosing whether sharing a life with someone
else is realistic. The fear that we won’t manage that well often keeps people
from telling the full truth not only to a potential partner but even to themselves.
However, it
wasn’t until I started reading and writing nonfiction articles for Medium that
I realized how much people crave real world examples of romance and what makes
a good relationship. The most popular articles on Medium are about love and
relationships. Everyone is looking for something more than they have—even when
what they have is pretty good.
It made me wonder
how romance novels reflect real life and how much they have shaped women’s
perceptions and expectations of what romance and marriage relationships should
be. Do most of us write real relationships? Or do we primarily write wish
fulfillment relationships that set up unrealistic expectations of love and
marriage? I’ve explored that by using two powerful romance tropes that have
certainly impacted my own life.
Unconditional Love
In my nonfiction
article, Is
Unconditional Love Possible? I look at the idea that many women believe
that 1970’s movie line from Love Story: “Love means you never have to say you’re sorry.” And there
are a lot of romance novels that reinforce that with the easy forgiveness of
misdeeds or the simple acceptance from the protagonist that if they are “really
in love” they should forgive more easily.
Do we have any
responsibility for writing stories where women are independent and strong in
their own right? I think the modern woman does expect a lot more self-agency
than in the past. I don’t personally believe that most relationships can or
should forgive misdeeds without consequences.
Another part of
unconditional love expectation is how it morphs into an expectation of some
kind of mind-reading ability. I don’t mean psychic mind reading as often used
in paranormal novels, but more of the “soulmate” trope where the potential
lovers are so attuned to each other—so in love—that their partner will just
“know” what their needs are and deliver on them.
As romance
novelists I think we do play up that mystical “knowing” the needs of a partner.
This is especially clear in romantic sex scenes in most novels. The wish
fulfillment part inevitably includes one partner, usually the dominant one, knowing
exactly what to do to make the protagonist feel loved, wanted, beautiful, handsome,
sexy, amazing, empowered. It becomes an integral part of building the
protagonist’s self-esteem, trust, and ultimately commitment. I’m raising my own
hand high here and admitting I’ve done that in my novels, too.
I’m not saying we
shouldn’t provide some wish fulfillment in our novels under the flag of
entertainment. However, I do think many romance novels could be even stronger
if they also include a good dose of reality where our characters have to ultimately
realize that their self-esteem and strength has to come from within themselves.
The protagonist must be put in situations that force them to stand up alone, resolve
problems, and overcome major issues without the all-knowing partner by their
side supporting them in every step. It is only by proving it to themselves can
they truly develop an internal belief in their own unique strengths, beauty,
and ultimately commitment to move forward.
Friends to Lovers
A second
nonfiction article I wrote relates to the friends-to-lovers trope in romance.
The article examines the real role of chemistry in long-term relationships. Are
the Best Marriages Primarily Chemistry or Friendship? I certainly believe you need both chemistry
and friendship. However, I would suggest the balance is better served if it
tilts more toward friendship than the chemistry end.
Since the early
21st century the romance genre’s norm has been wide ranging acceptance
of more sexy books. This requires a stronger element of the chemistry part of
the equation. I personally wonder if we’ve relied on chemistry too much now to
the exclusion of ensuring the long-term friendship part of a committed
relationship.
I understand how
great sex can temporarily erase a lot of misgivings. It certainly fogs the
mind—at least mine. However enjoyable chemistry is, it IS temporary. In fact,
remaining in that constant heightened state of sexual attraction and feeling
the need to act on it all the time would actually be exhausting and perhaps
even torture.
The problem with
romance relationships relying so much on good chemistry is again with what
happens after the book ends? What happens when the couple doesn’t have the same
raging hormones later in life? Or a chronic illness or disability changes the
relationship? What happens when real life—children, economics, jobs, other
stress—intervenes and accessing that great chemistry isn’t available or isn’t enough
to overcome problems?
I’m not going to
argue whether purely escapist romance is needed and some people want to write
that vs those who feel a need to write more realistic romance. There is room
for both. However, I think that examining our role in offering some solid,
relationship-building examples within a fictional world we can control is an
important consideration.
Summary
Our personal
relationships do impact our writing, both in terms of whether we choose to
write more wish fulfillment scenarios or more realistic scenarios. Many authors
often work out their own relationship challenges in the way they choose to
create their world, populate it with characters, and express and resolve
challenges on the page. Simultaneously, many readers often find healing from
confusion, and even trauma, in certain types of romance stories. Stories that can
provide a new perspective on how to overcome one’s past with real-world models
of forming a strong romantic relationship can be the beginnings of
life-changing possibilities.
Looking at
nonfiction resources about relationships, including self-esteem, love, and marriage,
is a great way to add additional depth and nuance to our stories. Most of us
think nothing of spending hours researching a foreign country, a historical
fact, small town environment we may not know. Yet, because we have all loved
and lost or loved and won, we often don’t consider researching the science and
psychology of relationships. We don’t necessarily think there is something new
to learn.
Even though I
have a background in psychology and counseling, I’ve found there is always
something more to learn. Cultural changes, generational changes, what is
accepted and known compared to the past are just a few things I can learn. I have
some blinders in my own relationships just like everyone else. I believe most
writers could benefit from learning more about what really makes a relationship
work well and finding a way to fold that into their stories.
Maggie Lynch is the
author of 20+ published books, as well as numerous short stories and
non-fiction articles. Her fiction tells stories of men and women
making heroic choices one messy moment at a time. You can learn more about her
in these venues. Website
| Medium
| Facebook
| Twitter
| LinkedIn|
Pinterest
| BookBub
Fiction | BookBub Nonfiction
| Goodreads
|
7 comments:
Interesting, Maggie - of course, we all write what we know (whether it pertains to ourselves or friends and family,) but I do believe research is helpful. I have a bookshelf of psychology-types of books that I look at - but lately only occasionally. I think I'll dig some of them out. You gave us a lot to think about.
Your statement,"I don’t personally believe that most relationships can or should forgive misdeeds without consequences" resonated with me. It is possible to work past a major mistake or betrayal of trust, but it takes months, sometimes years. You must both value the relationship enough to set aside pride and put out the effort, soul-searching and often counseling needed to heal your relationship.
Love does NOT mean never having to say you are sorry. Love gives you the courage to make amends.
Lots of food for thought here, Maggie. I tend to write toward the escapist end of the spectrum, mainly because that is what I prefer - or need - to read. Life is messy so I get relief in the make-believe world of butterflies and moonbeams. My stories contain real life, my characters argue, snipe, and cry. I write romance though so there has to be an HEA, and I hope I convey that the path to that happiness isn't smooth but well worth the effort. I assume my readers know that the heady days at the start of a relationship are going to wax and wane. I hope I've built characters who, after overcoming their internal conflicts, now have a strong, loving, and honest connection - warts and all - that will last 'til death do them part.
Maggie, First: Great Post...I've gotten a couple of emails from people who'd read it and are digesting the points you've made.
I do believe that we are all doing our best at given point in time. I also believe that someone else's "Best" may not be best for me. Unconditional love means it's with "warts and all." A truly meant apology is worth working on the warts and all part of a relationship. The "I didn't really mean that" and other apologies that are tossed out, to me show that I'm not respected. And respect is a part of my definition of unconditional love. I will admit that over the years, decades even, my understanding of love has changed. What I would want in a relationship has also changed...and yet it hasn't. I want to be seen as my own unique person, I want to be respected and listened to as well as supported when life throws my under the bus. I want a partner which is not the same as someone who has the same interests as me because I really do need my alone time.
The PBS program "British Romance" was an eye-opener in that I wasn't aware of the impact books had on the way women were treated and how romance and marriage were lived. Should my books reach the readership and have the impact that the books Lucy Worsley showcased, women would have respect and love and a life partner. Yes, they'd have problems, that's life. But they'd figure out how to solve those problems together.
Thank you Deb, Sarah, Luanna, and Judith for engaging with the post and sharing your own approaches.
Deb, I hear you on getting out of the habit of relationship research. For me, it is a way to keep up with the thinking in today's society. Of course, if you write historical romance, you need the thinking in the past of how relationships were conducted. As I write contemporary, I am concerned about being more modern. Even as I've moved through my writing over the past four decades, I can see how my protagonists have changed. What they expected in a relationship forty years ago is very different from what they expect now. That also reflects how I've changed my expectations as well.
Sarah, I loved your statement that: "Love gives you the courage to make amends." That is so true, particularly in a long-term relationship where there is likely to be a number of times when making amends is what moves you forward.
Luanna, I do understand the need to write toward the escapist end. I admit that there are times I need escape and I turned to what I call the "Hallmark" romance tropes. That is that there are challenges but they are never of the deeply wounded, years-of-therapy kind. I do write romance, and there is always an HEA but getting there is quite painful in my books. I've tried to write a little more escapist and whenever I do that a near murderous even inserts itself. I think that says something about my mind saying: "Um, no, you can't get away with that." (Big sigh)
Judith, I hadn't seen the program "British Romance." I'll have to see if I can find it somewhere. I watch a lot of British mysteries and the way marriages are portrayed there is really awful. Jim and I often comment how no one seems happy in their marriage, and of course it always leads to murder in some circuitous way--children, relatives, or the spouse. (big smile).
Again, thanks everyone for considering how romance novels might impact expectations of relationships. There is room for all kinds of novels, and I'm happy people are thinking about aspects beyond entertainment.
I really enjoyed this blog post. You gave its a lot to think about for sure. Thanks, Maggie.
Thank you for stopping by, Diana!
Post a Comment