Hi, I’m Judith Ashley, author
of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, soul nourishing romantic women’s fiction
that honors pagan spiritual practices. My stories show you what life could be
like if you had a place like The Circle where you are unconditionally accepted,
supported and loved. And where, with this support, you do overcome obstacles and
find your happily-ever-after.
The Blog Queens work out the topics and themes for the
next year several months in advance thus they (we) may pick a topic/theme that
is a bit more challenging to write about in the moment.
July’s theme “The villain you love to hate” is
appropriate if one wants to write about fictional characters however, as I
write this post (06/25/2020) hate-filled emotions, hate-filled language and
hateful actions abound. And from my perspective, and I do see villains, hating
them does not serve me, their victims or society at large.
While there is a belief that people are born evil, in my
50+ years of working in the social services and educational fields, that has
not been my experience.
My experience is that when we are fearful of losing
physical life, status in the hierarchy of our family, community, employment,
control of our situation or others (this is a partial list), we have a choice
to make. We can hang on to the fear and use it to justify our actions or we can
stop, assess what’s really going on in terms of our fear and look for a
solution that benefits us all.
I’ve no statistics to back up this next statement – only
personal and professional experiences.
All
anger is fear-based and it comes from something we want to gain or retain that
is at risk.
Take a moment and the next time you feel frustrated,
upset, irritated or even angry or in a rage, STOP. What is it you fear? It could be you are being physically
threatened. It also could be that your view of yourself and even your place in
the world is being threatened.
Do you know why your ancestors immigrate to North
America? My maternal ancestors came on the second boat from England. They
sought religious freedom. By DNA I’ve more non-England ancestry so my ancestors
most likely invaded England in 1066. I’ve also some Irish as a great
grandmother emigrated from Ireland in the late 1800’s. I thought I was mainly
Danish on my paternal side of the family. But my DNA said “No, you are mainly
Swedish!” Looks like 500 or so years ago there was a major influx of Swedes into
Denmark.
It is difficult to develop wise-compassion if you don’t
know the whole story. Every real life villain I’ve known or read about had
choices to make. Their choices were rooted in I’m More Important/What I want is
More Important Than You. And I must
dehumanize/demonize you in order to get or keep what I want and deserve to
have.
Since early times, before Judao/Christian/Muslim
religions, collaboration, the good of the whole, was how we human beings worked
together and how we worked with the environment in which we lived. Of course
our survival depended on us using our talents, skills and community to best
advantage.
What changed?
Weaponry that had been used to kill the meat for the next
meal was turned against other humans. Life was no longer revered as it was in
the olden times. Collaboration was turned to joining forces to better defeat
another group. The concept of creating a community structure that benefited
everyone was lost.
If you are
interested in being in more control of your life, I encourage you to take a
look at my book Staying Sane in a Crazy
World or check out the Glasser Institute for Choice Theory (GIFCT) website
for resources.
It will take some effort on your part including being honest
with yourself (not always easy), but you can be in control of your life, your
feelings and find a hate-free (which means fear-free) path for yourself.
You can
find all of my books at your favorite e-book vendor. Be sure to ask your local
library if you’d prefer to read my books through that resource.
© 2020 Judith Ashley
8 comments:
Judith, I've always respected your calm demeanor. I know it comes from all that you have seen and knowing that carrying on or getting angry doesn't solve the problem. Your post is thought provoking and timely. Thank you!
Thanks for stopping by and commenting, Paty. The challenge with anger and it's buddy, hate, is that in the present it may seem to work, to solve the problem because we've expended the negative energy...so we do feel better. We "did something" and that feels better than doing nothing. It isn't easy to sit ourselves down and take a serious and in depth look at our fears to see it they are rooted in reality. Most of our fears are of our own making...and, I think stem from "I'll have less if someone else gets any or anymore ______."
Judith - I think all rational human beings know how to weigh and figure out their fears and their hate. I know it takes tons of work and self-awareness. But I have to say, I do believe in evil. Maybe, as you said, it is through no fault of an individual that hasn't come to terms with their fears and their reason to hate or do hateful things. But we also have mental illnesses or personality disorders that make people fear, hate, and do hateful things to others that many times can't be controlled. Or won't be controlled until they seek professional help. Having said that, you do have a healthy perspective, and great suggestions for overcoming fear and hate (in most cases.)
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Deb. My best friend believes in evil. I do think people engage in evil behavior. Dr. Glasser's teaching include the idea that mental illness starts as a choice. My experience with a client who was diagnosed schizophrenic leads me to concur, at least in his case, that when he was small and had no control over how he was treated, escaping into his imaginary world where he was powerful and in control helped him survive the mental and emotional abuse. I do know that there is science that shows some schizophrenia is genetic/inherited.
I believe all the admirable qualities of humankind are good. Evil is their nonexistence. Good exists. Evil does not. For example, hate is the absence of love and empathy. In many ways, my beliefs about good and evil align with yours.
This is a complex question.
Sarah, thanks for sharing your thoughts on good and evil. By having these conversations about our beliefs we are better able to create a just and equitable world for all.
Interesting and timely post. I do agree that most people do make choices about behavior that impacts both themselves and those around them. And it is selfish choices, like choosing not to wear masks because they are different or slightly uncomfortable, instead of being concerned about community spread of a virus that drives me crazy.
That said, when it comes to the concepts of choice and understanding impacts beyond themselves, I also know that many people do not have the background, training, upbringing, to know how to make better choices. It is something that is often first taught in the home, and then reinforced (often not very well) in schools or work environments. Seeking professional help is the purview of those who can afford it or have insurance to cover it. Close to 40% of those with insurance have sought counseling or therapy at some point in their adult live, as opposed to only 14% of those who don't have insurance for counseling or therapy.
I do believe in good and evil in abstract terms. I do believe that people doing things together in love, compassion, and community generate more good than the sum of the individuals. That also applies for those who do things together in anger, hate, and violence. Where the evil is greater than the sum of the individuals.
Having worked extensively with people with mental illness early in my counseling career, I do not share your believe that mental illness is a choice. For some (I would venture to say most) mental illness is a biological process that the individual cannot change by making choices alone.
The biological process needs to be addressed with medication in the same way high blood pressure, high cholesterol, or diabetes needs to be addressed. It is only after the biological processes are addressed that the individual has the ability to then process and understand their world in a different way and to learn to make conscious choices--part of which is regularly taking their medication.
Certainly, there are also mental illness diagnoses that are not biologically driven (at least not initially) like PTSD. However, again that illness was not a choice made by the individual but often the result of choices made by others. There has now been a lot of research showing that over time PTSD and the biological reactions to it (fear, heart palpitations, stress) result in biological changes as well.
Your book is an excellent and accessible way for many people to learn about making choices that are more productive for their lives. For those who are in a place to accept change, it is a great start.
Maggie, thank you for a thoughtful comment. I do agree that long term stressors create biological changes. Our bodies have a level of "fluidity" (not sure if it is the correct word) so can adapt and change/ I'm fascinated by the research that shows every cell has all of our DNA and is considered intelligent. I also believe that our bodies are "wired" to keep us healthy so when we are stressed by fear (for example), our bodies manufacture adrenaline, cortisol, etc. which over a period of time affects our heart, lungs, etc.
One of the best things we can do for our own health and welfare and thus our communities health and welfare is to find what practices work best for us to lower our stress levels, reduce the strain on our bodies and flip the switch from adrenaline, etc. to endorphins. Easier said than done but well worth it when achieved.
Thank for the positive statements about "Staying Sane." The truth that we need to be open to and willing to change is the foundation for finding our way to better health and happiness.
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