Hi, I’m Judith Ashley, author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, soul nourishing romantic women’s fiction with light paranormal elements. My stories show you what life could be like if you had a place like The Circle where you are unconditionally accepted, supported and loved. And where, with this support, you make choices to overcome the darkest nights and choose love and light.
When I worked in child welfare and later in domestic and international
adoptions I became aware of the importance of time of the year. I was amazed at how many of the children with
whom I worked had traumatic events happen at the same time year after year
after year. The infant in Vietnam who was taken to the orphanage in the spring
and then adopted by a family in the United States or Europe and moved there one
or two years later---in the spring. And what would be confusing is that it is spring in Vietnam and fall in the US or Europe. Upheaval, the
loss of security and love has now occurred twice in this child’s life.
Following along, I could see behavioral issues every spring and fall. Add to
that the adoptive parents did not speak Vietnamese and the child, while have
receptive Vietnamese language did not have receptive English.
Seasonal Trauma Can Happen To Anyone
For some children I worked with, every placement happened around one of
the holidays. Those parents who paid attention to that background and talked to
the child, made adjustments to holiday gathering, etc. always had a better
outcome than those who continued to expect the child to make all the
adjustments.
To be clear, it doesn’t have to focus on traumatic events. Many of us
have fond memories of recurring events in our lives and we go through a
grieving process when they stop. I remember our family Christmas celebrations. My
mom started the baking in September/October. The hunt for the perfect Christmas
tree was An Event. I only missed one
Christmas and that was because I was too sick to get off the couch (it was
closer to the bathroom than my bed).
Do You Have A Death Month? I Do
I’ve written about my Dad’s last Christmas (December 1997) and the lengths we
all went to make it perfect for him.
Christmas 2001 was the last family Christmas. My mom died March 4th
2002.
Wonder why I'm even talking about last Christmases
in March? It is March 2023.
If you read this post on the first day it goes live, March 3, 2023, you’ll
know that I will be remembering family members who died or passed or crossed
over or transitioned (we have lots of words/phrases to mark this final life
event).
Jean Elizabeth
Rawson Johnson – March 25, 1918 - March 4, 2001 – mom
Margaret
(Marne) Rawson Gannon – December, 1919 - March 5, 2012 - aunt
Donald
Christian Johnson – September 19, 1917 - March 8, 1998 - dad
James Foster
Johnson – October 25, 1944 - March 26, 2004 - brother
Helen Foster
Rawson Kirshman – July 31, 1910 - April 1, 2015 – aunt
Some years I
struggle through my Death Month and
other years I seem to almost forget. I used to wonder what made the difference.
Now I just accept that there will be times when I remember and grieve and other
times when I remember and smile as the joy from the memories surrounds me.
Time has
passed and I have my own traditions that fill my heart. I celebrate the beauty
of Mother Earth most days. I focus on gratitude for what I have most days. I am
doing better at being mindful. And I’ve
become less upset with my “recovering independent high achiever” description.
It doesn’t mean I’m a failure only that it takes me longer to achieve and I may
not reach the higher marks…but then I said in my January post
that I would work on being kinder to
myself. That has translated into setting goals that take into consideration
where I am at this point in my life.
Choose I tell myself. Make it a conscious choice regardless of what it's about.
Choose to work a crossword puzzle instead
of doing a computer task.
Choose to have a piece of chocolate
instead of wishing I had a piece.
Choose to take on a task and be realistic
about how much I can do, how long it might take, etc.
At the end of the day, even in the darkest night, it is up to me to
choose love and light.
You can find all of my
books at your favorite e-book vendor. Be sure to ask your local library if
you’d prefer to read my books through that resource.
Learn more about Judith's The Sacred Women’s Circle series at JudithAshleyRomance.com
Check out Judith’s Windtree Press author page.
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on FB!
© 2023 Judith Ashley
8 comments:
So true, Judith. We all tend to put more pressure on ourselves than others so - in many cases, it is so important to be kind to oneself and not chastise ourselves for not getting such and such done. Especially, when in the greater scheme of life, that task was just not so important it couldn't wait another day or two. As for chocolate (or any other thing one might consider a treat)...HA! I see few reasons why we must always deny ourselves something that makes us smile - even when that smile might only linger until the last bite. A self-indulgent treat once in a while is A-okay, while, of course, remembering that overindulgence really does negate the "treat" designation.
Kudos to Deb and Judith! Be kind to yourselves, is a good philosophy to have.
Enjoyed the blog post!
Thanks for stopping by and commenting, Deb. The "overindulgence really does negate the "treat" designation" certainly resonated with me. Growing up smoked salmon was a rare treat, at most once a year if we were able to spend a weekend or week at the Oregon Coast.
Many years later, a friend who commercial fished on weekends, days off and vacations, gave me Lots of salmon and I smoked most of it. It certainly did get eaten and I'm not so sure it was a savored as it once had been.
Diana, thanks for commenting. Glad you enjoyed the blog post.
This was a really interesting post, Judith. I'd never thought about seasonal trauma being a thing, but it makes total sense!
Also, I wanted to share in the 'overindulgence' discussion: When we lived on Annette Island, Alaska, it rained 144 in. per year. (That's 12 ft.) Mostly it was a fine mist that inhabitants didn't let stop them from doing things, but sometimes the gloom got people down. When we DID have a sunny day, employers let people off to enjoy it, school let out, and nobody took the sunshine for granted. Sunny days were holidays.
Interesting post, Judith. We lost my mom at Thanksgiving in 1990. She was in the living room on hospice while we had Thanksgiving in the dining room. That day we all took turns telling her good-bye and she was gone by that night.
My brothers and I haven't been together for Thanksgiving or Christmas since then. But we have managed to make the holiday shine for our own families.
We adopted a boy when he was 5. He had a lot of trauma in his life up to that point. And unfortunately, since he turned 18, he has put all of it on us and doesn't want to be a part of our family. Saying the things that happened to him before happened when he was with us. *Sigh* there is only so much you can do. Our oldest daughter stays in touch with him, but he doesn't want anything to do with hubby and I.
Sarah, I think I'd do well on Annette Island. That fine misty weather is one of my favorites. Love that sunny days are treated like our snow days!
Thanks for sharing your experiences with adoption, Paty. I worked with a family whose child left the day after he graduated from high school. They had no idea at the time how difficult it was for him to live with them. He just walked away without saying goodbye and the last I knew, never contacted them again. He had talked to one of his adopted siblings who did tell the parents that he'd gone in search of his birth parents. He'd been adopted from Canada at a time when they were adopting their indigenous children to families in the U.S. and, I think, other parts of the world.
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