Hi, I’m Judith Ashley, author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, soul nourishing romantic women’s fiction with light paranormal elements. My stories show you what life could be like if you had a place like The Circle where you are unconditionally accepted, supported and loved. And where, with this support, you make choices to overcome the darkest nights of your life to choose love and light.
My Least Favorite Goal and
Why I Set It – Not
I’ve found over the years
that it is not always helpful to me to set goals.
I used to.
Ask people who knew me 20 –
30 years ago. I had Goals five years out. I had monthly, weekly and daily
action lists. Items were crossed off or moved over to the next day. I also
worked 50+ hours a week, had no real “Me” time, etc. I accomplished A Lot! And
people saw me as organized and productive, someone who did what she said she’d
do, etc. etc. etc.
However, time has passed.
I’m as retired as I want to be. I still write (mostly blog posts these days. I
have an idea of finishing my second non-fiction and maybe even getting both it
and my first non-fiction on audio tape. I’ve a couple of started manuscripts I
could possible work on.
Why am I not Setting Goals
to Get Those Things Done?
Because what I’ve learned through experience is that life,
or Life or especially LIFE not only can but does rear up and my best intentions
go sliding into that place where “good intentions” go to die. Being a
recovering (still working on that) high achiever, that is a very uncomfortable
place to be even though I’ve taught myself to look at what I did accomplish as
a percentage of my goal. A goal of one hundred thousand words is 50% met if I
write fifty thousand words.
While that actually feels
better than chastising myself for failing
there is still a vestige of unease because I didn’t reach the 100% mark.
The past several years has seen Life if not LIFE spend
way too much time with me. I’ve worked to reframe my achievements and while I
can say I’ve not Failed, I still
struggle with not being Successful.
However I am someone who makes an effort to find the gift
in the challenges and this is what I’ve learned.
What does work?
I’m looking at the possibility of what I may accomplish.
I’m focusing on being realistic, given several factors
over which I don’t seem to have total control, on what I might accomplish.
I’m thinking small. I’m thinking doable even if Life
and/or LIFE show up.
While I may not be setting goals, I am still making
Commitments.
I am Committed to my health and well-being.
I am Committed to “showing up” for friends and family as
best I can.
I am Committed to writing albeit blog posts.
I’d like to commit to finishing my non-fiction and seeing
it and my first non-fiction in audio book format, however that isn’t realistic.
It may happen if the stars align, etc. etc. etc. I have no control over the
stars or “etc.” so it will happen if it happens.
True confession: This is not a comfortable place for me
to be. And I know it is where I need to be at this point in my life.
In order to keep my first commitment, I must pay
attention to stressors in my life. A big one is committing to do things I
actually can’t do without negative effects in my life. It wasn’t that long ago
I could push myself to get things done with few if any negative side effects.
That is no longer true.
While writing is a big part of my life, so are family and
friends. Recently a long time best friend died. Over the past several years,
I’ve lost friends who had been in my life for 30 – 40 years. The saying “Life’s
too short” has a whole different meaning to me now.
One of the main reasons I do write is I see myself as a
regular ordinary person. If something is a challenge for me, it most likely is
a challenge for a bunch of other people. Perhaps if I share a bit of my life,
my challenges and how I'm coping or managing or finding a way through or past
them, it can help someone else.
I’ve mentioned my non-fiction book(s). They are
based on the concepts created by Dr. William Glasser. I’ve been involved in his
work since the 1970’s. What I’ve learned has had a profound impact on my life.
Key tenants that help me through the day are
“The only person’s behavior we can control is our
own” – I remind myself of this one when I really want other people to make
different choices.
“All behavior is purposeful” – I use this one when I
find myself making a choice that in hindsight, I’m not pleased with. I also use
this in trying to understand other people.
There are a few others. If you are interested in
knowing more, let me know. I'm on The William Glasser International teaching
faculty and regularly teach these concepts.
You can find my books at your favorite e-book
vendor as well as through my website www.JudithAshley.net and Windtree Press.
Print books are available at Jan’s Paperbacks in Beaverton, OR and Arte Soleil
in Portland, OR. Get the addresses from my website. And be sure to ask your
library if you’d prefer to read my books through that resource.
at JudithAshley.net
Check out Judith’s Windtree Press author page.
You can also find Judith
on FB!
© 2024 Judith Ashley
13 comments:
I like learning about your choices.Everyone is different and we all have to do what works for us.
I don't personally consider goals the same as resolutions.
here's to a New Year and a healthy and happy one!!!
Like you, Judith, I have changed how I approach achievement. I, too, have stopped making lists of resolutions and goals, for many of the same reasons you did. I do use a planner to keep track of things I need to get done. I allow myself 3 'A" tasks (Must do today), 3 "B" tasks(Urgent}, and 3 "C" tasks (want to do}. B and C tasks can roll over to another day if needed. They may eventually end up as A tasks. It's a flexible system that works for me.
I have learned a lot from you about Choice Theory, which has definitely improved my life and my understanding of my own and others' behavior.
Thank you!
Goals don't work for me either. What I get done is dependent on my health and mental state. I'm lucky to make rudimentary lists anymore. And that's okay! My word for this year is Choose. I choose what I want to do and it's my choice, no one else's. I'm attempting to take the pressure off myself. And live each day as it comes.
I really enjoyed your post, Judith. Great way to look at the changes we all face with Father Time. Or Mother Time, if you'd rather.
Sarah, you've found the key...a process that works best for you. That's really all that matters. Thanks for the kind words about Choice Theory. I come from the position that the more I understand why I make certain choices, I can make new choices that improve the quality of my life.
Barb, there's a saying "Live life as life happens" that I think fits well with what you are saying. And since the biggest challenges this last year for me were with my health which then impacted my mental health, I totally agree with you. Do what we can and let it be...the last 3 words were always the hardest for me.
Dari, thank you for stopping by and commenting. I've found the last two years to be, at times, daunting due to changes wrought by the passing years. I'm thinking maybe Father Time has a Mother Time which means it's twice as daunting?
Great post, Judith. I like the term "commitments," good take on it, May 2024 be a fantastic year for you!
Thanks for the fantastic 2024 energy. May you also have a fantastic or awesome year.
Judith-sorry I'm late in responding. I do make goals every year. But to me the word goal, means something I wish to achieve NOT something I HAVE to achieve. Last year I met very few goals. But as you say, real life does get in the way at times. And we each must be kind to ourselves. I rolled my goals over to 2024, and they may or may not get done. But right now, I have good intentions. And that is enough for me.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Deb. I'm very careful with my Commitments because they are things I Will Do unless something extremely dramatic occurs. So having a couple of Commitments (to take care of myself for example) works for me right now. Last year I achieved 0 of my goals. I did get 50% of one goal because I counted the words I wrote in blog posts. Other than that? Nada.
I do agree that a Goal is not something I Have to achieve but something I am working to achieve. I just don't do well with 0% of goal achieved and only 50% on one after I revised what counted. The nice thing about life is that we can adjust so who knows what I might add come July!
We all know and hear life is short, time waits for no one and we aren’t in control but wisdom comes with age as does a reality that brings all these messages home in very significant ways. Long life is both blessing and curse and brings many challenges and constant change, as well, insight. Any of us that were overachieving goal setters as young people feel the pull of guilt but I have come to a point where I am trying to take life day to day and accept that I can’t always control everything. That the people and pets in my life are most important and while I still set goals for myself and keep busy on many levels, I try not to sandwich myself in with deadlines and dates and also am learning to go easier on myself and do my best. When I can’t and obstacles arise, and they certainly do lately, I look hard at the whys, prioritize then pivot again.
Certainly, there is something to be said for slowing things down, savoring each moment, bring grateful for each breath and ability we retain and instead of being the hare as before, become the turtle and slow and steady…
Annie, I absolutely Love the turtle reference. Yes, I can do many things as a turtle...my hare days are over. A part of me rejoices as I type that.
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