Goals, Commitments or Not

 Hi, I’m Judith Ashley, author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, soul nourishing romantic women’s fiction with light paranormal elements. My stories show you what life could be like if you had a place like The Circle where you are unconditionally accepted, supported and loved. And where, with this support, you make choices to overcome the darkest nights of your life to choose love and light.

My Least Favorite Goal and Why I Set It – Not

I’ve found over the years that it is not always helpful to me to set goals.

I used to.

Ask people who knew me 20 – 30 years ago. I had Goals five years out. I had monthly, weekly and daily action lists. Items were crossed off or moved over to the next day. I also worked 50+ hours a week, had no real “Me” time, etc. I accomplished A Lot! And people saw me as organized and productive, someone who did what she said she’d do, etc. etc. etc.

However, time has passed. I’m as retired as I want to be. I still write (mostly blog posts these days. I have an idea of finishing my second non-fiction and maybe even getting both it and my first non-fiction on audio tape. I’ve a couple of started manuscripts I could possible work on.

Why am I not Setting Goals to Get Those Things Done?

Because what I’ve learned through experience is that life, or Life or especially LIFE not only can but does rear up and my best intentions go sliding into that place where “good intentions” go to die. Being a recovering (still working on that) high achiever, that is a very uncomfortable place to be even though I’ve taught myself to look at what I did accomplish as a percentage of my goal. A goal of one hundred thousand words is 50% met if I write fifty thousand words.

While that actually feels better than chastising myself for failing there is still a vestige of unease because I didn’t reach the 100% mark.

The past several years has seen Life if not LIFE spend way too much time with me. I’ve worked to reframe my achievements and while I can say I’ve not Failed, I still struggle with not being Successful.

However I am someone who makes an effort to find the gift in the challenges and this is what I’ve learned.

Setting Goals doesn’t work for me. In fact, setting goals can create anxiety and a sense of failure.

What does work?

I’m looking at the possibility of what I may accomplish.

I’m focusing on being realistic, given several factors over which I don’t seem to have total control, on what I might accomplish.

I’m thinking small. I’m thinking doable even if Life and/or LIFE show up.

While I may not be setting goals, I am still making Commitments.

     I am Committed to my health and well-being.

     I am Committed to “showing up” for friends and family as best I can.

     I am Committed to writing albeit blog posts.

I’d like to commit to finishing my non-fiction and seeing it and my first non-fiction in audio book format, however that isn’t realistic. It may happen if the stars align, etc. etc. etc. I have no control over the stars or “etc.” so it will happen if it happens.

True confession: This is not a comfortable place for me to be. And I know it is where I need to be at this point in my life.

In order to keep my first commitment, I must pay attention to stressors in my life. A big one is committing to do things I actually can’t do without negative effects in my life. It wasn’t that long ago I could push myself to get things done with few if any negative side effects.

That is no longer true.

While writing is a big part of my life, so are family and friends. Recently a long time best friend died. Over the past several years, I’ve lost friends who had been in my life for 30 – 40 years. The saying “Life’s too short” has a whole different meaning to me now.

One of the main reasons I do write is I see myself as a regular ordinary person. If something is a challenge for me, it most likely is a challenge for a bunch of other people. Perhaps if I share a bit of my life, my challenges and how I'm coping or managing or finding a way through or past them, it can help someone else.

The characters in The Sacred Women’s Circle series face the every-day kinds of challenges most women face. They each keep searching and in that process make decisions and changes so they do manifest their dreams. Perhaps not exactly as they’d originally seen them, but certainly exactly as it needed to be for their happiness.

I’ve mentioned my non-fiction book(s). They are based on the concepts created by Dr. William Glasser. I’ve been involved in his work since the 1970’s. What I’ve learned has had a profound impact on my life.

Key tenants that help me through the day are

“The only person’s behavior we can control is our own” – I remind myself of this one when I really want other people to make different choices.

“All behavior is purposeful” – I use this one when I find myself making a choice that in hindsight, I’m not pleased with. I also use this in trying to understand other people.

There are a few others. If you are interested in knowing more, let me know. I'm on The William Glasser International teaching faculty and regularly teach these concepts.

You can find my books at your favorite e-book vendor as well as through my website www.JudithAshley.net and Windtree Press. Print books are available at Jan’s Paperbacks in Beaverton, OR and Arte Soleil in Portland, OR. Get the addresses from my website. And be sure to ask your library if you’d prefer to read my books through that resource.

Learn more about Judith's The Sacred Women’s Circle series
at JudithAshley.net

Check out Judith’s Windtree Press author page.

You can also find Judith on FB! 

© 2024 Judith Ashley

 

Simple Tips To Enhance Connections With Others

 Hi, I’m Judith Ashley, author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, soul nourishing romantic women’s fiction with light paranormal elements. My stories show you what life could be like if you had a place like The Circle where you are unconditionally accepted, supported and loved. And where, with this support, you make choices to overcome the darkest nights and choose love and light.

For many people, February is the month when they say or do something special to acknowledge the romantic relationships in their lives. For other people the romantic label isn’t important so they include other relationships. I remember Valentine’s Day when I was twelve. My dad got me a gift. I treasured that blouse for decades. In fact it might be tucked away somewhere in my house!

I also know people who do not make a big or even a small deal about Valentine’s Day. They want to show the people in their lives that they are loved, cared about.

My family and friends fall more into the latter category than the former one. We end conversations on the phone with “I love you”. I text my granddaughters with that simple message. Nothing more than that --- well, often it shows up at “Love You Lots!!!”

Why do I consciously choose to tell people I love them?

I was briefly married to a man who never said those words once we were wed and actually only said them once or maybe twice while we were dating. I realized that hearing the words mattered to me.

From my professional experiences working with at-risk youth and vulnerable elderly, I know that many of them do not believe they are loveable, at least not in a healthy way. Hearing an adult tell you they are only abusing you for your own good or because they love you and you need to learn whatever the lesson is are not healthy expressions of love much less caring.

During this month where the airwaves are full of messages about showing someone you love by purchasing whatever the product is, I offer the following as a way to show that person how important they are to you.

First, take a look at the following, what Dr. William Glasser called the Seven Deadly or Disconnecting Habits.

Criticizing
Blaming
Complaining
Nagging
Threatening
Punishing
Rewarding to Control

Really monitor your behavior and make a plan to reduce if not eliminate any or all of the above.

In the meantime, pay attention to Dr. Glasser’s  Seven Caring or Connecting Habits. When interacting with others, look for ways to increase these.

Supporting
Encouraging
Listening
Accepting
Trusting
Respecting
Negotiating differences

For more information about these ideas and how to implement them in your personal and professional life, check out The Glasser Institute for ChoiceTheory – US or The William Glasser Institute International for trainings and resources near you.

You can find all of my books at your favorite e-book vendor. Be sure to ask your local library if you’d prefer to read my books through that resource.

Learn more about Judith's The Sacred Women’s Circle series at JudithAshley.net

Check out Judith’s Windtree Press author page.

You can also find Judith on FB! 

© 2023 Judith Ashley

How to Kill A Relationship

Hi, I’m Judith Ashley, author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic women’s fiction with light paranormal elements. My stories show you what life could be like if you had a place like The Circle where you are unconditionally accepted, supported and loved. And where, with this support, you make choices to overcome the darkest nights and choose love and light.

In addition to being a fiction and non-fiction author, I am on the faculty of The William Glasser Institute International and The GlasserInstitute for Choice Theory. 

One of the core principles of Dr. Glasser’s teachings is that when our relationships with ourselves and important people in our lives is healthy and works, we are happier. Running counter to that in many people’s perspective is another core principle which is the only person’s behavior we can control is our own. Why counter? Because many people believe they can control someone else and in the process kill a relationship without meaning to by engaging in one or more (the more the faster to end the connection) of what Dr. Glasser called The Seven Deadly Habits.

Criticizing

Blaming

Complaining

Nagging

Threatening

Punishing

Rewarding to control aka bribery

I invite you to consider those relationships that are not as happy as you’d like them to be and monitor your use of these 7 deadly ways of interacting with people.

In addition monitor your self-talk because your relationship with yourself is the most important one of all. Radical self-care may be needed. If so, shoulders back, chin up and march forward knowing that in order for you to engage in a healthy relationship with others, it is important to have that relationship with yourself.

And if you are finding life a bit messy or confusing

or challenging or chaotic, check out Staying Sane in a Crazy World. You will learn more about Dr. Glasser’s concepts as well as what you can do to manifest a happier life for yourself including information for you to create your own personal staying sane plan.

If you are not yet on my mailing list, you can sign up for Choices here. I’ve created a new free offering that includes the novella Sarah’s Ankh along with the first chapter of Lily: The Dragon and The Great Horned Owl. I hope you enjoy them.

Look for my next non-fiction Yes, You Can Create The Life You Love this summer. All of my books are available at your favorite e-book vendor. Be sure to ask your local library if you’d prefer to read my books through that resource.

Learn more about Judith's The Sacred Women’s Circle series on her website JudithAshley.net

Follow Judith on Twitter: JudithAshley19

Check out Judith’s Windtree Press author page.

You can also find Judith on FB! 

© 2021 Judith Ashley 

My Own Super Hero - Bill

Hi, I’m Judith Ashley, author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, soul nourishing romantic women’s fiction that honors pagan spiritual practices. My stories show you what life could be like if you had a place like The Circle where you are unconditionally accepted, supported and loved. And where, with this support, you do overcome obstacles and find your happily-ever-after.

OMG, my list is long in part because I’ve lived a long life and in part because over the years I’ve known people I love and admire.

While there are people from the history books that I see as heroes and heroines, in my own life I’ve people I’ve put on this list. However, to include them here makes this post over 1000 words long! So, I’m moving them to a New Document and will write about them on my personal blog sometime this month or next.

However, there is one person who has made a profound impression on how I live my daily life.

Who might my Superhero be?

Dr. William Glasser. In the 1960’s Dr. Glasser was faced with ridicule and disdain from his fellow psychiatrists because he rewrote what the relationship between a psychiatrist and patient could be. It did not include spending years talking about the past. Bill did not believe that revisiting the past was useful in solving today’s issue unless there was a direct relationship to the present problem. He said that if you missed dinner you can't eat last night's dinner tonight. All you can do is eat tonight's dinner.

Bill believed in empowering his patients by teaching them a process so that they had a framework to solve their own problems. He called it "Reality Therapy." Now it is called "The Procedures That Lead To Change." Don't be fooled by the titles! If you've heard of or learned Motivational Interviewing or Client Centered Counseling, you've heard of or learned about Bill's ideas from the 1960's.

He also believed, taught and wrote about the harm psycho-tropic drugs have on people long before the acknowledged crisis of prescription drug addiction. Of course he was vilified by big pharma.

Through it all, he held to his principles, to what he saw working as his patients changed and moved forward with their lives.

Although I heard Dr. Glasser in the late sixties, it wasn’t until August 1978 that I began formal training in his concepts.

I was privileged to bear witness to Bill’s continual learning and the evolution of his concept known as Choice Theory, an explanation of how and why we make the choices we do. Because of my experiences in learning directly from Bill Glasser and my own internalization and application of these concepts in my own life, I’ve been able to overcome life challenges that could have knocked me down.

And actually I have been knocked. The saying “down but not out” may be true but if you know these fundamental Glasser Concept ideas you will get back up.

1.     We have 5 Basic Needs that are genetic to us and determine what we individually value above all else in our lives.

2.     Each of those Needs is represented by hundreds if not thousands of life experiences.

3.     Every minute of our day, we strive to replicate or create new highly valued experiences which means we are in control of our lives.

4.     Life happens and how we’ve successfully lived may not work right now or maybe even “any more” which is why we decide to make different choices.

5.     When we understand our Basic Needs profile, we have the Power to focus on a different choice so that we are more likely to succeed. You can learn more about creating a personal problem solving plan here.

In 2004 when I lost some of my cognitive functioning, I was terrified. OMG!!! What was I going to do? I couldn’t drive, could barely be a passenger in a vehicle going over 25 mph; couldn’t be in a busy, noisy place or see the wind making the tree leaves dance. All of that visual and auditory noise literally had me on my knees.

I won’t lie and say I wasn’t afraid aka terrified! However, I did know how to change how I emotionally felt, how to curb the terror. Simple is not always easy. I had to accept total responsibility for how I felt about what was happening in my life in order to be able to feel differently.

The first step was to focus on what I could do that also brought me joy. Was it easy? Actually the focusing on what I could do that also brought me joy was surprisingly easy. However, knowing my Needs Profile was key for me maintaining a positive attitude through months of physical therapy.

Was the road smooth? How I wish. What was and is true is I had a process that I knew worked so at those times when I slipped into the dark hole of “what if I don’t get better,” I knew what to do to move back into the light.

As you know I write books about women facing real life problems who, with the support of their sacred women’s circle, are able to move forward in their lives and find their happily-ever-after. The teaching of Bill Glasser are in each book and are a critical component of my characters’ ability to find a new path. You see in each story how powerful it is when we choose to be part of our solution.

I also write non-fiction based on Choice Theory and The Procedures That Lead to Change. Staying Sane in a Crazy World outlines the power of understanding our Needs Profile and The Procedures That Lead to Change. Readers are provided with a process to determine what they want to change and a format to make a successful plan to do so.

All of my books are available at your favorite e-book vendor. Be sure to ask your local library if you’d prefer to read my books through that resource.

Learn more about Judith's The Sacred Women’s Circle series at JudithAshleyRomance.com

Follow Judith on Twitter: JudithAshley19

Check out Judith’s Windtree Press author page.

You can also find Judith on FB! 

© 2019 Judith Ashley

If I Had My Life...

Hi, I’m Judith Ashley, author of The Sacred Women’s Circle series, romantic women’s fiction that honors pagan spiritual practices that nourish the soul. My stories show you what life could be like if you had a place like The Circle where you are unconditionally accepted, supported and loved. And where you do overcome obstacles and find your happily-ever-after.

Coming Fall 2019

July’s writing prompt for The Genre-istas is If I had my life to do over, what’s one thing I’d change and why?

My answer is “Nothing, because to change anything would change who and what I am at this point in my life.”

Definitely a short post if I leave it at that.

However, up until I was in my thirties, I’d have had a challenge deciding which of several life events I’d experienced or survived I’d change.

Why? Because they were ugly, painful, hurtful, nasty, negative, etc. life events.

So why at this point in my life would I change nothing?

In my thirties, I was fortunate to go through a series of Lifespring trainings that exposed me to a different way of looking at my life and the world around me; provided me with an opportunity to see how those experiences had added value to my life; as well as challenged my point of view as to who controlled my life.

Within the same time period I became involved with the Glasser Institute for Choice Theory. Dr. William Glasser, a world-renown psychiatrist, believed that we are in control of our lives even to the point where we choose our misery. He taught that if we were honest with ourselves we could see and understand the purpose behind all of our choices (even those that didn’t feel like our choices).

We’ve stories and analogies in our culture that support positive thinking. The glass being half full or half empty or the little boy who happily digs through a barn of manure because surely there must be a pony in there somewhere are two of them. The Bible’s saying about having as much faith as a mustard seed and nothing will be denied us would be another.

While the Lifespring trainings are no longer available, at least not as they were when I was first involved in the 1970’s; the Glasser trainings are. If you are interested in learning more about being in control of your own life, check out www.wglasser.com and consider attending the 2019 Conference co-hosted by the US and Canada organizations and held in Bellevue, WA.

Staying Sane in a Crazy World is full of information and exercises to help you find your own path through life. And if you want a more subtle example of these concepts, consider reading my Sacred Women’s Circle books where you’ll find Dr. Glasser’s philosophy assist my heroines make choices as they face life’s challenges.

You can find all of my books at your favorite e-book vendor and selected stores in the Portland, OR area. Be sure to ask your local library if you’d prefer to read my books through that resource.

Learn more about Judith's The Sacred Women’s Circle series at JudithAshleyRomance.com

Follow Judith on Twitter: JudithAshley19

Check out Judith’s Windtree Press author page.

You can also find Judith on FB! 

© 2019 Judith Ashley